I have a friend. She is a momma of 2 wonderful girls (who are sometimes not wonderful:). And I am pregnant. In about 5 months, I am going to be a momma too. You would think that, in talking to my friend, I feel relief, peace, joy. When I tell her my fears, you would think, since she has been there, and is there now, that she would have words of wisdom to ease (not erase) those fears. She does. She has those words, somewhere, but those aren't the words she gives me.
When I re-live my childhood, remembering that we learn parenting from our parents...When I reflect on my own impatient, selfish nature, knowing that those aren't the best traits when you have someone small depending on you...She gives me words. But those words don't comfort me. They don't relieve me.
I think they would, if the words she gave acknowledged my faults and my foibles. I think they would if they allowed me to be ME in the midst of being MOM. But they don't.
Her words tell me that I will be a wonderful mother. They tell me I will be patient and kind. They tell me that I will set healthy boundaries without pushing my children too far. They tell me that once I hold that child in my arms, my inherent selfishness will be washed away for love of that child. They tell me a lot of wonderful things. Hopeful things.
But they don't ease me. They are not what I need.
I need someone to tell me that I am going to mess up, but that it is ok.
I need someone to tell me that I WILL lose my patience and yell, but that my child will forgive me if I do.
I need someone to tell me that I will CONSTANTLY war within myself (and with my husband) about where REASONABLE boundaries are.
I need someone to tell me that I will have moments of selfishness, but also moments of reckless abandon.
And through it all
through all of my failures
and my successes
my mistakes
and good decisions
I will be
a wonderful mother.
No comments:
Post a Comment