I have too much to do. So I do nothing...
I have done some of it...
I pretty much finished putting our new TV stand/cabinety thing together.
I created e-mail addresses for students (whose parents have turned in their enrollment info)
I started figuring out Google Classrooms
I need to weed my garden and take care of zombie plums and pears
I need to write some more stuff for our accreditation stuff
I need to get my classroom ready for school starting on Wednesday
I need to make copies
I need to sleep
I need to stop feeling so weighed down with STUFF...
my heart feels heavy again...and I hate it.
I want to curl up in my bed and cry...but I don't...I work, I write, I drink coke and sing loudly to make myself believe I am ok--I cuddle my baby (who either pushes me away "come on Mom, you're smothering me!" or sucks on my nose*kisses*)
and then I pull out the computer
and I work some more...
Sunday, August 31, 2014
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
Update
Now this update might be cut off at any minute, because the baby is asleep, but I can't guarentee how long it will stay that way. I just thought you should know a couple things:
1. She had really bad diarrhea last week and an ensuing horrible diaper rash
2. diarrhea is really hard to spell, and what is up with the spelling of diapers!
3. Her diarreah (sp) is almost gone, and I am pretty sure the rash has cleared up, but we are still putting stuff on it anyway.
4. We put her to bed at 10:30 last night.
5. She woke me up at 5:45 this morning to feed her
6. I put her back down a few minutes before 7, and she is still asleep half an hour later
7. That means she slept for like 7 hours straight!!!!!
8. I can't think of anything else to say, but thought you all should know she is adorable. (If you look closely at her chin, you will smile)
1. She had really bad diarrhea last week and an ensuing horrible diaper rash
2. diarrhea is really hard to spell, and what is up with the spelling of diapers!
3. Her diarreah (sp) is almost gone, and I am pretty sure the rash has cleared up, but we are still putting stuff on it anyway.
4. We put her to bed at 10:30 last night.
5. She woke me up at 5:45 this morning to feed her
6. I put her back down a few minutes before 7, and she is still asleep half an hour later
7. That means she slept for like 7 hours straight!!!!!
8. I can't think of anything else to say, but thought you all should know she is adorable. (If you look closely at her chin, you will smile)
Friday, June 20, 2014
My confession
I have a confession. I am not positive I am using that word correctly though, and I know that somewhere out there, there might be some word police (you know who you are ;) and so you can change the word so "confession" to whatever the correct word is.
Anyway, I have a confession...it is not something that you hear adults say, really, and I have to admit that I am more than a little embarrassed by it, to say the least (which is why I call it a confession).
Yes, so my confession...Here it is...
I am afraid of the dark.
I am, or maybe, to be more accurate, I am afraid of that which may lurk in the dark.
As I child I made a game of it, created rules and defined what it was in the dark I was afraid of.
I created tiny gnomes in my mind, and maintained that they wanted to use me as a playground when I was asleep and they would get mad if I was awake when they wanted to play, so I had to lay super still until I fell asleep, so I could trick them.
This elaborate ploy didn't do all of what I wanted it to do, however, because I created something that I couldn't really be afraid of, but I neglected to create something benign for the fear that lived in my closet or the fear under my bed.
I used to leap from my light (by the door) to my bed, because I was certain SOMETHING was there, waiting for me. I remember getting in trouble many times for not turning out the light before going to bed, but it was such a long way from our closed bedroom door to the bed. I sometimes wouldn't dare traverse it in the dark.
When I went to college, I dared my fear, often going for walks on campus at night by myself. I would imagine what could be there, and trembled the whole way back to the dorms.
As I have gotten older, my fears have not subsided. I keep thinking that I would love the dark, if only I could be SURE I knew what was in it (and that it was safe). Living with roommates was wonderful for me, unless they were gone. In the dorms, you were never REALLY alone. Someone you knew was always just down the hall, etc. In an apartment, that might not be the case. I remember on several occasions hiding in my bedroom with all the lights in the house on, doors locked, listening to music, or watching a movie...anything to distract me from the knowledge that it was night, and I was alone in it.
Since having a baby, my fears are even more acute. I keep having visions of someone breaking into my house in the night, while I am asleep, and taking my baby. Of course, the mere presence of my husband keeps me from worrying when he is there, but on the nights he is not, I am often paralyzed by fear. So much so, that when she and I go to bed, I put her in her room, turn my bedside lamp on, and stare down the hallway at her doorway, just to make sure nobody invades to take her away. Everytime I shut my eyes, I worry someone is there, just out of reach of the light, that I've missed something, and I open my eyes again. It takes me over an hour to fall asleep.
Today, though, I declaire war on my fear. I bought a thousand night lights. (ok, maybe only a pack of four) which I have placed throuought the upstairs to keep the night at bay when I am home alone with the baby. I am hoping that will help.
So there you have it. I am an adult, who fears the dark. Pathetic. I know, but it is my burden, and I will carry it as far as I must.
Every once in a while, though, when I can keep my brain from going there, things are fine. I hope to try to develop that ability more as well.
I am not quite sure how to end this post.
I was always better at beginnings than endings.
fin
Anyway, I have a confession...it is not something that you hear adults say, really, and I have to admit that I am more than a little embarrassed by it, to say the least (which is why I call it a confession).
Yes, so my confession...Here it is...
I am afraid of the dark.
I am, or maybe, to be more accurate, I am afraid of that which may lurk in the dark.
As I child I made a game of it, created rules and defined what it was in the dark I was afraid of.
I created tiny gnomes in my mind, and maintained that they wanted to use me as a playground when I was asleep and they would get mad if I was awake when they wanted to play, so I had to lay super still until I fell asleep, so I could trick them.
This elaborate ploy didn't do all of what I wanted it to do, however, because I created something that I couldn't really be afraid of, but I neglected to create something benign for the fear that lived in my closet or the fear under my bed.
I used to leap from my light (by the door) to my bed, because I was certain SOMETHING was there, waiting for me. I remember getting in trouble many times for not turning out the light before going to bed, but it was such a long way from our closed bedroom door to the bed. I sometimes wouldn't dare traverse it in the dark.
When I went to college, I dared my fear, often going for walks on campus at night by myself. I would imagine what could be there, and trembled the whole way back to the dorms.
As I have gotten older, my fears have not subsided. I keep thinking that I would love the dark, if only I could be SURE I knew what was in it (and that it was safe). Living with roommates was wonderful for me, unless they were gone. In the dorms, you were never REALLY alone. Someone you knew was always just down the hall, etc. In an apartment, that might not be the case. I remember on several occasions hiding in my bedroom with all the lights in the house on, doors locked, listening to music, or watching a movie...anything to distract me from the knowledge that it was night, and I was alone in it.
Since having a baby, my fears are even more acute. I keep having visions of someone breaking into my house in the night, while I am asleep, and taking my baby. Of course, the mere presence of my husband keeps me from worrying when he is there, but on the nights he is not, I am often paralyzed by fear. So much so, that when she and I go to bed, I put her in her room, turn my bedside lamp on, and stare down the hallway at her doorway, just to make sure nobody invades to take her away. Everytime I shut my eyes, I worry someone is there, just out of reach of the light, that I've missed something, and I open my eyes again. It takes me over an hour to fall asleep.
Today, though, I declaire war on my fear. I bought a thousand night lights. (ok, maybe only a pack of four) which I have placed throuought the upstairs to keep the night at bay when I am home alone with the baby. I am hoping that will help.
So there you have it. I am an adult, who fears the dark. Pathetic. I know, but it is my burden, and I will carry it as far as I must.
Every once in a while, though, when I can keep my brain from going there, things are fine. I hope to try to develop that ability more as well.
I am not quite sure how to end this post.
I was always better at beginnings than endings.
fin
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
My momma me
So, here I sit, computer in lap, newly changed shirt at 9:47 pm because cute baby puked all over the other one just minutes ago. Cute one is also outside with daddy at 9:47 because she screams bloody murder, until you walk her towards the front door. Then she turns to face it, quietly, anticipating OUTSIDE!
I haven't written for a while. First, it was because I didn't have the time. Then, because I still didn't have the time.
You see, first we had to close down school.
Then we went on our last school field trip (to Newport, baby came, cried the whole way there...2 hours)
Then school was out, and I am lucky to get time to do house things, let alone fun other things. You see, she wakes us up at 7 am in the morning. "Good morning Momma! FEED ME!" (translation approximated) So I feed her then play with her until around 9 am, when she gets angry, so I wrap my baby burrito, and send her to bed. I can normally get about an hour of sleep out of her on that one, sometimes more, so I pump, then I shower and put day-time clothes on. If I still have time, I may eat, or do dishes or some laundry (so much laundry to do!) Then she sweetly tells me "FEED ME!" and I do, then play for a time that totals about 2 awake hours. Then she naps anywhere from 10 minutes to an hour, so I can't do anything that I need momentum to work on, because who knows when I will be called away. The day proceeds in a similar manner 2 hours awake, ? time asleep... anytime we get in the car, she wails until we get out. But, when she is happy, she is ADORABLE!!!!
Anyway, that is my excuse for not writing. I have the cutest distraction ever.
So, I will see if I can post more later. Until then though, here are some pictures to tide you over, oh my adoring fans!
I haven't written for a while. First, it was because I didn't have the time. Then, because I still didn't have the time.
You see, first we had to close down school.
Then we went on our last school field trip (to Newport, baby came, cried the whole way there...2 hours)
Then school was out, and I am lucky to get time to do house things, let alone fun other things. You see, she wakes us up at 7 am in the morning. "Good morning Momma! FEED ME!" (translation approximated) So I feed her then play with her until around 9 am, when she gets angry, so I wrap my baby burrito, and send her to bed. I can normally get about an hour of sleep out of her on that one, sometimes more, so I pump, then I shower and put day-time clothes on. If I still have time, I may eat, or do dishes or some laundry (so much laundry to do!) Then she sweetly tells me "FEED ME!" and I do, then play for a time that totals about 2 awake hours. Then she naps anywhere from 10 minutes to an hour, so I can't do anything that I need momentum to work on, because who knows when I will be called away. The day proceeds in a similar manner 2 hours awake, ? time asleep... anytime we get in the car, she wails until we get out. But, when she is happy, she is ADORABLE!!!!
Anyway, that is my excuse for not writing. I have the cutest distraction ever.
So, I will see if I can post more later. Until then though, here are some pictures to tide you over, oh my adoring fans!
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
back for today
I've realized that when I make excuses--saying I don't have time, or am too tired to spend time with God like I know I should, nothing earth-shattering happens. It's not as if I get struck by lightning or caught in an earthquake. However, things slowly get harder and harder and more overwhelming, which things do anyway, right? We always have that ebb and flow of hard times and easy times. The thing is, though, that when the overwhelming times come, and I don't have that time set aside for God, things hit me harder and I have a hard time keeping my sunny perspective and my can-do attitude. I get bogged down with stuff, and things. I get tired--not just regular, I'm not sleeping much, tired, but really, truly, bone-deep tired.
So this is my acknowledgement that I realize that I haven't "had time" for HIM recently, and that I am tired, pessimistic, and grumpy. I am tired of being grumpy. I am tired of complaining.
So, what am I going to do about it? I am going to write this post.
I am going to talk to Him as I get ready in the morning
I am going to talk to Him as I get ready for bed
I am going to call on him today, tomorrow, and during this camping trip, for help, for perspective, for sleep as I try camping with 27 kids, 23 adults, and one 4-month old.
Be with me, as I try to be with You. Not just to make things easier for me (although, selfishly, I know that is a lot of it right now) but also to make things nicer for my husband and students, as I cannot be happy-me, when I am without YOU.
So this is my acknowledgement that I realize that I haven't "had time" for HIM recently, and that I am tired, pessimistic, and grumpy. I am tired of being grumpy. I am tired of complaining.
So, what am I going to do about it? I am going to write this post.
I am going to talk to Him as I get ready in the morning
I am going to talk to Him as I get ready for bed
I am going to call on him today, tomorrow, and during this camping trip, for help, for perspective, for sleep as I try camping with 27 kids, 23 adults, and one 4-month old.
Be with me, as I try to be with You. Not just to make things easier for me (although, selfishly, I know that is a lot of it right now) but also to make things nicer for my husband and students, as I cannot be happy-me, when I am without YOU.
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
The great gift of love
Speaking about giving out of little, and how those who are poor are so willing to give.
I do know it is always so easy for me to make excuses, give reasons why I can't give--be it time, or money, or whatever. It always takes me a moment or two to remember that I have so much. I wonder why, those of us who have much (less than others of course) think we have nothing we can give?
Another thing I do, I might have mentioned before, is I throw money at the problem. It is so much easier to give money and let someone else do the actual work. I know they do need the money, but they probably need hands as well. Not that I have any plans to change that in the near future...I am still trying to figure out when I can sleep and maybe start working out again, because I stay healthier when I work out...
Maybe I will put that on my long list of things to do during my relaxing summer break.
PS a shout out to my man, who took all the night feedings Monday night because I was sick, and did all the night things but one last night.
Also, Pray I can beat this illness--whatever it is--it is weird, with headaches, stomach cramps, achiness, chills, sweats, and sore throat.
I do know it is always so easy for me to make excuses, give reasons why I can't give--be it time, or money, or whatever. It always takes me a moment or two to remember that I have so much. I wonder why, those of us who have much (less than others of course) think we have nothing we can give?
Another thing I do, I might have mentioned before, is I throw money at the problem. It is so much easier to give money and let someone else do the actual work. I know they do need the money, but they probably need hands as well. Not that I have any plans to change that in the near future...I am still trying to figure out when I can sleep and maybe start working out again, because I stay healthier when I work out...
Maybe I will put that on my long list of things to do during my relaxing summer break.
PS a shout out to my man, who took all the night feedings Monday night because I was sick, and did all the night things but one last night.
Also, Pray I can beat this illness--whatever it is--it is weird, with headaches, stomach cramps, achiness, chills, sweats, and sore throat.
Monday, May 19, 2014
Nothing Profound
Yeah, I am being a slacker and not doing my MT stuff today. Maybe tomorrow. Today I am unloading...getting stuff down so I can look at them outside myself and maybe get some perspective.
My next three weeks:
Wednesday meet with parents about accreditation info
Thursday meet with parents about next year's tuition
Friday meet with prospective part-time teacher for next year
Saturday shopping for our field trip
Monday meet with coworker about field trip and accreditation
Tuesday get cavity filled
Thursday more tuition meetings
Friday see Maleficent
Saturday Sister's graduation
Tuesday Career Fair
Wednesday last day of school, field day
Thursday-Saturday field trip Camping at Oregon coast for at least 50 people
I guess my biggest concern is the camping trip. I am going with Jeremy and the baby, but we won't have any way to easily heat milk for her, so I am going to be doing ALL the feedings, plus I am supposed to be running the field trip. I don't function well on little sleep, and now instead of just my kids knowing it, all their parents will know it too...
Well, I guess we shall see...but I have to go now...my baby wants her breakfast...
My next three weeks:
Wednesday meet with parents about accreditation info
Thursday meet with parents about next year's tuition
Friday meet with prospective part-time teacher for next year
Saturday shopping for our field trip
Monday meet with coworker about field trip and accreditation
Tuesday get cavity filled
Thursday more tuition meetings
Friday see Maleficent
Saturday Sister's graduation
Tuesday Career Fair
Wednesday last day of school, field day
Thursday-Saturday field trip Camping at Oregon coast for at least 50 people
I guess my biggest concern is the camping trip. I am going with Jeremy and the baby, but we won't have any way to easily heat milk for her, so I am going to be doing ALL the feedings, plus I am supposed to be running the field trip. I don't function well on little sleep, and now instead of just my kids knowing it, all their parents will know it too...
Well, I guess we shall see...but I have to go now...my baby wants her breakfast...
Friday, May 9, 2014
So....tired
Basically the reason I didn't write anything yesterday is that I am exhausted and my laptop was all the way in the kitchen in my backpack...way to far!
Little V has barely been sleeping. So LOs her age should be getting about 15 hours of sleep in a 24 hour period, and she is currently averaging 10 where she, two weeks ago, was averaging 13. (BTW, the acronym LO means Little One--It took me forever to figure it out, but I read enough mom forums...). So during the day yesterday for example, I get her up at 6:30 to feed her and then we go to school. She naps from about 8:30-10:00, when I feed her again, then she doesn't really sleep again until 5:00. She took 2 5-minute naps, that's it. Then she slept for about 1/2 hour, woke up to eat, then slept from 7:30 until 9, when I woke her to feed her before bed time. Then she went to sleep again, finally, at around 11 (and that is only with her Daddy cuddling her) She woke me for half an hour at 2:45 to eat, then started getting restless at 4 and began rolling over and getting mad that she couldn't roll the rest of the way. At 5:30 she decided it was time to wake up, so Daddy is currently cuddling with her so she will sleep until I feed her at 6:30.
I know, you don't want to know all of that, but this is definitely on my mind right now.
Also, I need to grade student work because progress reports were due last Monday, and there are only 4 1/2 weeks of school left.
Also, I somehow need to find a way to sleep more during the week, because MAN!!! this is killing me.
Ok, nap time until I feed her in 20 minutes
--me
Little V has barely been sleeping. So LOs her age should be getting about 15 hours of sleep in a 24 hour period, and she is currently averaging 10 where she, two weeks ago, was averaging 13. (BTW, the acronym LO means Little One--It took me forever to figure it out, but I read enough mom forums...). So during the day yesterday for example, I get her up at 6:30 to feed her and then we go to school. She naps from about 8:30-10:00, when I feed her again, then she doesn't really sleep again until 5:00. She took 2 5-minute naps, that's it. Then she slept for about 1/2 hour, woke up to eat, then slept from 7:30 until 9, when I woke her to feed her before bed time. Then she went to sleep again, finally, at around 11 (and that is only with her Daddy cuddling her) She woke me for half an hour at 2:45 to eat, then started getting restless at 4 and began rolling over and getting mad that she couldn't roll the rest of the way. At 5:30 she decided it was time to wake up, so Daddy is currently cuddling with her so she will sleep until I feed her at 6:30.
I know, you don't want to know all of that, but this is definitely on my mind right now.
Also, I need to grade student work because progress reports were due last Monday, and there are only 4 1/2 weeks of school left.
Also, I somehow need to find a way to sleep more during the week, because MAN!!! this is killing me.
Ok, nap time until I feed her in 20 minutes
--me
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
chapter 14: To give of yourself
She is talking about how, putting yourself in a position where you are surrounded by need, you feel compelled to love and to give of yourself. It is there, in the giving, you find who you truly are and were meant to be.
Sometimes feel generous. I give my time and attention to those around me. I can sit with an emotional teenager and walk them through their frustration and pain. I can talk to a third grader and help them understand that holding games ransom so you get your way is manipulation, and is unfair. Sometimes I feel generous.
And then there are those other times. Those many, many other times. I blame lack of sleep, or lack of food, or probably, and more accurately, lack of patience--which is just me. There are those times when I don't have time for anyone, or attention to spare from my own endeavors. There are those times when I am sitting, listening to an emotional teenager, thinking "just get over it!" or sitting and listening to third and fourth graders bicker about a game when I want to say "then don't play together"
I have a lot more of those other times than I care to admit.
I feel today might be one of them.---so help me put that gut reaction aside, and strive for something more, something better. Help me strive for a generous spirit. I might need it today--someone might need it from me.
Sometimes feel generous. I give my time and attention to those around me. I can sit with an emotional teenager and walk them through their frustration and pain. I can talk to a third grader and help them understand that holding games ransom so you get your way is manipulation, and is unfair. Sometimes I feel generous.
And then there are those other times. Those many, many other times. I blame lack of sleep, or lack of food, or probably, and more accurately, lack of patience--which is just me. There are those times when I don't have time for anyone, or attention to spare from my own endeavors. There are those times when I am sitting, listening to an emotional teenager, thinking "just get over it!" or sitting and listening to third and fourth graders bicker about a game when I want to say "then don't play together"
I have a lot more of those other times than I care to admit.
I feel today might be one of them.---so help me put that gut reaction aside, and strive for something more, something better. Help me strive for a generous spirit. I might need it today--someone might need it from me.
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
Chapter 13: The warmth of a hand
"Someone loves us--and we were created to love and be loved"
What I appreciate about MT, is that she speaks in the way I think. I believe that Love is what makes the world go 'round. I believe that if we just loved people more, and thought of ourselves less, this world would be a better place.
There are others, like me, out there, and there are also those who, like me, follow this thought with their lives, until they are tired and rushed and at the end of their rope--then it is everyone for themselves.
I struggle with that. I struggle to constantly remind myself that I do know the people around me, and that no, they are not just going to bleed me dry. When I am sleep deprived, hungry, and frustrated, it takes a concerted effort to remind myself that I know my friends, and when they ask me question after question, they are not just trying to add to my frustration, but to understand what I want and need.
It is so easy to follow though with the Love thing when you are getting plenty of sleep and feel good. The challenge, then, is to Love through our own inadequacies. Because, let's face it, how often is everything that good? If we wait for it to happen, we will miss out on some awesome opportunities to Love.
Also, pray for me today. I go to the dentist today and I am sure I am going to come back with a sore mouth and a short temper.
What I appreciate about MT, is that she speaks in the way I think. I believe that Love is what makes the world go 'round. I believe that if we just loved people more, and thought of ourselves less, this world would be a better place.
There are others, like me, out there, and there are also those who, like me, follow this thought with their lives, until they are tired and rushed and at the end of their rope--then it is everyone for themselves.
I struggle with that. I struggle to constantly remind myself that I do know the people around me, and that no, they are not just going to bleed me dry. When I am sleep deprived, hungry, and frustrated, it takes a concerted effort to remind myself that I know my friends, and when they ask me question after question, they are not just trying to add to my frustration, but to understand what I want and need.
It is so easy to follow though with the Love thing when you are getting plenty of sleep and feel good. The challenge, then, is to Love through our own inadequacies. Because, let's face it, how often is everything that good? If we wait for it to happen, we will miss out on some awesome opportunities to Love.
Also, pray for me today. I go to the dentist today and I am sure I am going to come back with a sore mouth and a short temper.
Monday, May 5, 2014
Chapter 12: Abandonment
"There are poor people everywhere, but the deepest poverty is not being loved."
I know I don't do anywhere near enough. Sometimes I think about what I do, I'm a teacher, and I feel like that IS my ministry (and it is) but sometimes I feel like that is a cop-out. Because it is like saying that all my "reaching out" obligation are fulfilled in my job. Yep, did that, went to work today, check! That's all I need to do!
I know it' not.
I just can't seem to find the time or energy for anything else, so I throw money at the problem. Every time I am at Safeway and they ask if I want to donate to this or that, I say yes. When I am buying stuff online I do the same thing. I don't have a cause, that I have found, that I want to totally get behind and give to, but I do give. The problem is, that isn't what MT is talking about here. She is talking about a different type of investing. The investing of time, of energy, of listening.
I have a baby.
I know, surprise, right?
This is my other cop-out. All of the time and energy I don't put towards my students, I put towards her, and my husband. I feel like I haven't even had the time or energy for the latter, either. Any time I feel like biting his head off for nothing, I know I am not spending enough quality time with him. He doesn't deserve my annoyance. He forced me to sleep in yesterday! ( I mean, snuck into the bedroom and turned off my alarm clock, then texted my friends and told them not to come over because I needed sleep.)
So, until I figure out what else to do, with my time and energy, I continue to say that my students and baby are my ministry, and continue to throw money at the other problems I encounter, because anything more feels like it would probably kill me right now.
Also, shout out to Pete, who I just found out yesterday reads this! I thought my husband was my only reader! Thanks Peter! (and Jeremy too...)
I know I don't do anywhere near enough. Sometimes I think about what I do, I'm a teacher, and I feel like that IS my ministry (and it is) but sometimes I feel like that is a cop-out. Because it is like saying that all my "reaching out" obligation are fulfilled in my job. Yep, did that, went to work today, check! That's all I need to do!
I know it' not.
I just can't seem to find the time or energy for anything else, so I throw money at the problem. Every time I am at Safeway and they ask if I want to donate to this or that, I say yes. When I am buying stuff online I do the same thing. I don't have a cause, that I have found, that I want to totally get behind and give to, but I do give. The problem is, that isn't what MT is talking about here. She is talking about a different type of investing. The investing of time, of energy, of listening.
I have a baby.
I know, surprise, right?
This is my other cop-out. All of the time and energy I don't put towards my students, I put towards her, and my husband. I feel like I haven't even had the time or energy for the latter, either. Any time I feel like biting his head off for nothing, I know I am not spending enough quality time with him. He doesn't deserve my annoyance. He forced me to sleep in yesterday! ( I mean, snuck into the bedroom and turned off my alarm clock, then texted my friends and told them not to come over because I needed sleep.)
So, until I figure out what else to do, with my time and energy, I continue to say that my students and baby are my ministry, and continue to throw money at the other problems I encounter, because anything more feels like it would probably kill me right now.
Also, shout out to Pete, who I just found out yesterday reads this! I thought my husband was my only reader! Thanks Peter! (and Jeremy too...)
Thursday, May 1, 2014
Tired
I'm tired this morning. My baby is probably also tired. She does not deal well with the heat, I think. She has her father's internal heater, and last night she barely slept, and I think it was because it was so hot. I also fed her more often last night. I think she was getting thirsty, and I remembered from my reading that in the summer, I am what keeps her from getting dehydrated.
So, we are both pretty tired. She started her sleeping before I did, but she also needs more sleep than I do so...
My prayer today is that I can be patient and kind to my students even as I struggle with wanting to crawl back into bed.
So, we are both pretty tired. She started her sleeping before I did, but she also needs more sleep than I do so...
My prayer today is that I can be patient and kind to my students even as I struggle with wanting to crawl back into bed.
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Opening the Heart
About how love and kindness changes lives and brings people back from the brink.
I am always pleasantly surprised about how many smiles I can find out in the world. I see someone in a car, driving past, and pass them a smile, and I would say at least 3/4 of the time, they pass a smile back. I know that when I am having a hard day, and cannot find my smile, many times a stranger will do some little thing (stop and let me in when driving, let me walk across the street when walking, etc.) that will put that smile back on my face.
I don't have any stories about bringing people back from the brink--not from my own experience--if any of you do, please share...
On another note, my baby slept pretty well last night and I feel pretty good too :)
I am always pleasantly surprised about how many smiles I can find out in the world. I see someone in a car, driving past, and pass them a smile, and I would say at least 3/4 of the time, they pass a smile back. I know that when I am having a hard day, and cannot find my smile, many times a stranger will do some little thing (stop and let me in when driving, let me walk across the street when walking, etc.) that will put that smile back on my face.
I don't have any stories about bringing people back from the brink--not from my own experience--if any of you do, please share...
On another note, my baby slept pretty well last night and I feel pretty good too :)
Friday, April 25, 2014
a little about me.
So, I have a confession, and I only feel ready to share it here because I believe God spoke to it last night.
First off, I need to say that now that I am a parent, I have very strong opinions about what I don't want to be. I have had quite a few example of abuse, and I don't want my child to fear me. That being said, I haven't been getting much sleep lately, and my beautiful, wonderful daughter has been taking a lot out of me. So much so that there have been times I have been so frustrated that I have involuntarily imagined doing things about it. Yesterday I saw myself hitting her in my mind's eye. I was feeding her at the time, and she was pulling at me, and crying, and I was frustrated. I have a lot of work to do for school, and around the house, and she is taking up SO MUCH TIME...and I know that is the nature of children, but yesterday...I don't know what it was, considering yesterday wasn't even the worst day this week...but it has been a very hard week for me.
So, I am feeding her, and she is hurting me, and in my mind I see myself hitting her. My two-month-old baby. Who does that? Who even thinks about hurting a little thing that wouldn't even be able to understand WHY. And I was afraid. Because I have been in the shoes of that child, and I DO NOT want her to go through that. And I cried out to God.
I snuggled that baby close to my and I cried out. I told God to take it out of me...the anger, the...everything icky that would cause me to even entertain the thought of hurting my baby. I cried and held her close to me.
And I felt some relief
And then, last night, she slept.
I mean, she slept for 7 hours straight.
I got up twice to check on her and make sure she wasn't dead, because she NEVER sleeps that long, and recently she has only been sleeping for an hour or two at a time.
She slept, and I slept too. I only slept for about 5 hours, since that is what my body is used to getting now...but that is 5 consecutive hours of sleep. She woke up around 4 to eat, and then I put her back down at 4:30 and I got another 1/2 hour of sleep on top of that!
THANK YOU GOD!
I believe that my past will not go away, ever, but I also believe that God has risen me up beyond my past, and will continue to lift me beyond it. With Him on my side, I will overcome, and I will not continue this cycle.
It ends here.
First off, I need to say that now that I am a parent, I have very strong opinions about what I don't want to be. I have had quite a few example of abuse, and I don't want my child to fear me. That being said, I haven't been getting much sleep lately, and my beautiful, wonderful daughter has been taking a lot out of me. So much so that there have been times I have been so frustrated that I have involuntarily imagined doing things about it. Yesterday I saw myself hitting her in my mind's eye. I was feeding her at the time, and she was pulling at me, and crying, and I was frustrated. I have a lot of work to do for school, and around the house, and she is taking up SO MUCH TIME...and I know that is the nature of children, but yesterday...I don't know what it was, considering yesterday wasn't even the worst day this week...but it has been a very hard week for me.
So, I am feeding her, and she is hurting me, and in my mind I see myself hitting her. My two-month-old baby. Who does that? Who even thinks about hurting a little thing that wouldn't even be able to understand WHY. And I was afraid. Because I have been in the shoes of that child, and I DO NOT want her to go through that. And I cried out to God.
I snuggled that baby close to my and I cried out. I told God to take it out of me...the anger, the...everything icky that would cause me to even entertain the thought of hurting my baby. I cried and held her close to me.
And I felt some relief
And then, last night, she slept.
I mean, she slept for 7 hours straight.
I got up twice to check on her and make sure she wasn't dead, because she NEVER sleeps that long, and recently she has only been sleeping for an hour or two at a time.
She slept, and I slept too. I only slept for about 5 hours, since that is what my body is used to getting now...but that is 5 consecutive hours of sleep. She woke up around 4 to eat, and then I put her back down at 4:30 and I got another 1/2 hour of sleep on top of that!
THANK YOU GOD!
I believe that my past will not go away, ever, but I also believe that God has risen me up beyond my past, and will continue to lift me beyond it. With Him on my side, I will overcome, and I will not continue this cycle.
It ends here.
Thursday, April 24, 2014
Chapter 10: to notice the beauty in others
Yesterday's post was supposed to go out yesterday, but it wouldn't let me post for some reason, so two are going out today.
Big quote today, but it is because it is exactly what I would say:
"If we were more willing to see the good and beautiful things that surround us (instead of focusing on the negative), we would be able to transform our families. From there we would change our next-door-neighbors and then others who live in our neighborhood or city. We would be able to bring peace and love to the world, which hungers so much for these things.
I believe that the heart and mind of the world are truly changed, not by those in power, but by those in relationship. If we focus on bringing life and light to those next to us, we can change the world.
That is what I believe...take that as you will...I AM a self-proclaimed romantic....
Big quote today, but it is because it is exactly what I would say:
"If we were more willing to see the good and beautiful things that surround us (instead of focusing on the negative), we would be able to transform our families. From there we would change our next-door-neighbors and then others who live in our neighborhood or city. We would be able to bring peace and love to the world, which hungers so much for these things.
I believe that the heart and mind of the world are truly changed, not by those in power, but by those in relationship. If we focus on bringing life and light to those next to us, we can change the world.
That is what I believe...take that as you will...I AM a self-proclaimed romantic....
Chapter 9: Giving Freely
The idea is that God gives freely, so we, too, should give freely...
Also, on the idea that giving to the poor without making them work for it spoils them...
1. God gives to us without us having to work for it.
2. Many places give to the rich without making them work for it...they receive special treatment simply because they are rich
--shouldn't the poor be just as important as we are, or the rich are?
I agree, and kind of don't... Giving to charity, helping people who need help is important...but at the same time we don't want to enable destructive behavior. How am I to tell the difference between the people who really need help and the people who want to take advantage of the system...
I can't always...but I think that helping those who need help is more important than making sure people tow the line and don't take advantage of me. If I can tell the difference, great! But if not, I think it is better to give and be taken advantage of, than to not give and allow someone to go on suffering in need.
Also, on the idea that giving to the poor without making them work for it spoils them...
1. God gives to us without us having to work for it.
2. Many places give to the rich without making them work for it...they receive special treatment simply because they are rich
--shouldn't the poor be just as important as we are, or the rich are?
I agree, and kind of don't... Giving to charity, helping people who need help is important...but at the same time we don't want to enable destructive behavior. How am I to tell the difference between the people who really need help and the people who want to take advantage of the system...
I can't always...but I think that helping those who need help is more important than making sure people tow the line and don't take advantage of me. If I can tell the difference, great! But if not, I think it is better to give and be taken advantage of, than to not give and allow someone to go on suffering in need.
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
Chapter 8--The distressing disguise of suffering
"You saw the priest during the Mass, with what love and what delicate care he touched the body of Christ. Make sure you do the same thing when you get to the home, because Jesus is there in a distressing disguise"
Touch the body of Christ--with love and delicate care.
The ones who hurt, who are dirty, homeless, hopeless...
The ones who long for comfort, for love...
The children I see every day, some who aren't sure if their siblings will be going to jail again, who wonder if their parents will drink again today who wonder if their mother really loves them or why their father left, who live with the weight of the world on their shoulders at the age of 9...
"Jesus is there in a distressing disguise"...
Touch the body of Christ--with love and delicate care.
The ones who hurt, who are dirty, homeless, hopeless...
The ones who long for comfort, for love...
The children I see every day, some who aren't sure if their siblings will be going to jail again, who wonder if their parents will drink again today who wonder if their mother really loves them or why their father left, who live with the weight of the world on their shoulders at the age of 9...
"Jesus is there in a distressing disguise"...
Monday, April 21, 2014
Chapter ? --Remember the small things
The book doesn't actually have chapter titles, so I don't know what chapter I am on.
Remember the small things
It was a beautiful story of a man who had a filthy house. No one ever came to visit him, so he saw no need to clean or take care of himself. Mother T. found a lamp in his house and he said he never lit the lamp because no one ever comes to see him. She negotiated that he light the lamp each night if the Sisters who lived near him came and visited.
It was a small thing, she said, and she forgot about him with all the other things in her life, but two years later he sent her a message: "Please tell my friend that the light she lit in my life continues to shine still."
Never forget to sow kindness to those around you
sometimes the smallest things to you, have a huge effect for someone else.
I will try to remember this today.
Remember the small things
It was a beautiful story of a man who had a filthy house. No one ever came to visit him, so he saw no need to clean or take care of himself. Mother T. found a lamp in his house and he said he never lit the lamp because no one ever comes to see him. She negotiated that he light the lamp each night if the Sisters who lived near him came and visited.
It was a small thing, she said, and she forgot about him with all the other things in her life, but two years later he sent her a message: "Please tell my friend that the light she lit in my life continues to shine still."
Never forget to sow kindness to those around you
sometimes the smallest things to you, have a huge effect for someone else.
I will try to remember this today.
Thursday, April 17, 2014
taking another break
I know, I know, what is up with this girl? She says she is going to start doing devotions in the morning and then she takes all these breaks. Well, devotions take time, and in about 10 minutes I am going to get my baby up for a long, liesurly, morning feeding.
You see, what happened is that I fed her the formula yesterday (Gerber soothe) and she didn't want it, and she didn't even eat an ounce of it. Afterwards she quickly fell asleep, and when I tried to feed her an hour and a half later, around lunch time, she threw up all over me. She ate two smaller meals later in the afternoon just fine, but when I fed her before bed, she ate a lot and then threw it all up again, so I have only been letting her eat a little bit at a time all night. She is probably super hungry now. So, I am going to finish my breakfast, pack our bags and load them in the car, then go get her and try to not make her throw up again.
Also, time to find a different type of formula.
--Me
You see, what happened is that I fed her the formula yesterday (Gerber soothe) and she didn't want it, and she didn't even eat an ounce of it. Afterwards she quickly fell asleep, and when I tried to feed her an hour and a half later, around lunch time, she threw up all over me. She ate two smaller meals later in the afternoon just fine, but when I fed her before bed, she ate a lot and then threw it all up again, so I have only been letting her eat a little bit at a time all night. She is probably super hungry now. So, I am going to finish my breakfast, pack our bags and load them in the car, then go get her and try to not make her throw up again.
Also, time to find a different type of formula.
--Me
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
Chapter 6: on Sacrifice
Mother Teresa, here, is talking about how one of the foundations of Christianity is sacrifice. First the Jewish people sacrificed animals to atone for their sins, then Jesus offered himself up as the final, living, sacrifice. After that time, we must continue to give because love, as she said, must cost, must hurt, must empty ourselves of self in order to be real love. She also says: "The words of Jesus, 'Love one another as I have loved you,' must be not only a light for us, but a flame that consumes the self in us."
I think I can say, with all honesty, that I don't think I have ever lived out the idea of sacrifice that she has (it must hurt--must empty us of self) until I became a parent. I know, even to me this sounds cliche. It may be, but it is also true.
I am tired...exhausted...frustrated...
and yet
I still get up every two to three hours to feed my baby.
I cry I am so tired
but I do it
and I only begrudge her a little...until I watch her sleepy face eat as her body curls up into a little ball on my lap, and I still cry from exhaustion, but also from love.
Man, and what strength of faith and character must Mother Teresa have had to go out of her way to serve as she did. Because honestly, if she weren't so helpless, I think I would probably stay in bed and let V. fend for herself at this point.
That is all just to say that WILLING and JOYFUL sacrifice, I am still working on...
I think I can say, with all honesty, that I don't think I have ever lived out the idea of sacrifice that she has (it must hurt--must empty us of self) until I became a parent. I know, even to me this sounds cliche. It may be, but it is also true.
I am tired...exhausted...frustrated...
and yet
I still get up every two to three hours to feed my baby.
I cry I am so tired
but I do it
and I only begrudge her a little...until I watch her sleepy face eat as her body curls up into a little ball on my lap, and I still cry from exhaustion, but also from love.
Man, and what strength of faith and character must Mother Teresa have had to go out of her way to serve as she did. Because honestly, if she weren't so helpless, I think I would probably stay in bed and let V. fend for herself at this point.
That is all just to say that WILLING and JOYFUL sacrifice, I am still working on...
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Another break
I have a good reason though...
Vivian got shots yesterday...4 of them. She was screaming off and on during the night. She is asleep now, but her normal feed time, based on when I last fed her, was 50 minutes ago. She is sleeping longer just because she is cuddling with her Daddy right now, but she is going to wake up angry any minute and I don't want to be in the middle of something when I have to go get her.
However, you could pray for me, oh you multitude that read this.
I am exhausted. Her daddy sprained his wrist and can't pick her up, so I am doing all the night feedings, plus she didn't want to sleep last night very much at all.
Pray that God gives me energy, and that tonight God gives me sleep.
--me
Vivian got shots yesterday...4 of them. She was screaming off and on during the night. She is asleep now, but her normal feed time, based on when I last fed her, was 50 minutes ago. She is sleeping longer just because she is cuddling with her Daddy right now, but she is going to wake up angry any minute and I don't want to be in the middle of something when I have to go get her.
However, you could pray for me, oh you multitude that read this.
I am exhausted. Her daddy sprained his wrist and can't pick her up, so I am doing all the night feedings, plus she didn't want to sleep last night very much at all.
Pray that God gives me energy, and that tonight God gives me sleep.
--me
Monday, April 14, 2014
Chapter 5: on Generosity
To start out with, I think I will give an example of generosity I witnessed this last week. My husband took all the feedings Friday night. All of them. All.
I got about 9 hours of sleep Friday night! It was amazing! I wasn't at all tired Saturday, and even though I ended up having to take all the night feedings Saturday night (because he sprained his wrist and can't pick up the baby now), I wasn't really tired on Sunday either!
That is generosity!
"There are many people who can do big things, but there are very few people who will do the small things."
This is about giving. More than giving THINGS though, it is about giving care, love, time to others. Again she talks about the horrible plight of feeling unloved and unwanted, and how it is those with a generous heart, that seek to heal the hurt in those who feel like the world has shunned and despised them.
Whenever I would ask my dad if I could do something or go somewhere, he would normally say yes as long as it didn't cost him much time or effort, but if I asked him to drive me somewhere, most of the time he would say no. He would site his selfish nature and that would be that.
I think, though, that everyone has a selfish nature. It comes from the years in our lives when we believed the world revolved around us. That feeling, I believe, never quite goes away. However, there are many who choose to fight the selfish nature inside themselves. Those who, the minute they notice that nature rearing its head, immediately go out and do something unselfish in order to beat their selfishness into submission.
There are also those who are more subtle about it, of course...and probably those who have shunned selfishness for so long, that selflessness becomes second-nature.
All of this is to say that I know I am a selfish being, and it takes world to beat that selfishness into submission, and some times I don't even try, because it is too easy to be selfish, and I am tired. However, most of the time I do try, in little ways, to give my time, my energy, my love to others, even when I feel like doing nothing more than crawling into bed with a book and not leaving for a week.
What small acts of selflessness do others do in order to beat back their selfish natures?
I got about 9 hours of sleep Friday night! It was amazing! I wasn't at all tired Saturday, and even though I ended up having to take all the night feedings Saturday night (because he sprained his wrist and can't pick up the baby now), I wasn't really tired on Sunday either!
That is generosity!
"There are many people who can do big things, but there are very few people who will do the small things."
This is about giving. More than giving THINGS though, it is about giving care, love, time to others. Again she talks about the horrible plight of feeling unloved and unwanted, and how it is those with a generous heart, that seek to heal the hurt in those who feel like the world has shunned and despised them.
Whenever I would ask my dad if I could do something or go somewhere, he would normally say yes as long as it didn't cost him much time or effort, but if I asked him to drive me somewhere, most of the time he would say no. He would site his selfish nature and that would be that.
I think, though, that everyone has a selfish nature. It comes from the years in our lives when we believed the world revolved around us. That feeling, I believe, never quite goes away. However, there are many who choose to fight the selfish nature inside themselves. Those who, the minute they notice that nature rearing its head, immediately go out and do something unselfish in order to beat their selfishness into submission.
There are also those who are more subtle about it, of course...and probably those who have shunned selfishness for so long, that selflessness becomes second-nature.
All of this is to say that I know I am a selfish being, and it takes world to beat that selfishness into submission, and some times I don't even try, because it is too easy to be selfish, and I am tired. However, most of the time I do try, in little ways, to give my time, my energy, my love to others, even when I feel like doing nothing more than crawling into bed with a book and not leaving for a week.
What small acts of selflessness do others do in order to beat back their selfish natures?
Friday, April 11, 2014
a short break
Today I simply reflect on God in my life. I need a slight attitude adjustment. I blame the exhaustion.
Yesterday after I got to school, V. threw up on me, then my co-worker called to say she was running late, and then when I texted my husband to see if he could bring me something on his way to work, he let me know he wasn't feeling good (he stayed up late playing games with his friends) and he was staying home and sleeping, but that he could bring me what I needed. He brought it, and then proceeded to sleep until 1 in the afternoon.
Do I ever get that luxury?
No.
I guess more than anything, I feel jealous. I can't sleep in because V. needs to be fed and I haven't had time to pump so I have very little milk on hand and it is possible that the formula is what is making her vomit... so it has to be me. I am so very tired.
Also, tomorrow is fuschia Saturday at Fred Meyer, and I am not sure if I can go, or where I would put a fuschia if I went, or if I knew where I wanted it, when I would have time to put it there.
TIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So, if anyone reads this, pray for me
pray for my attitude
that my eyes open and I am filled with renewed life that comes only from HIM
Yesterday after I got to school, V. threw up on me, then my co-worker called to say she was running late, and then when I texted my husband to see if he could bring me something on his way to work, he let me know he wasn't feeling good (he stayed up late playing games with his friends) and he was staying home and sleeping, but that he could bring me what I needed. He brought it, and then proceeded to sleep until 1 in the afternoon.
Do I ever get that luxury?
No.
I guess more than anything, I feel jealous. I can't sleep in because V. needs to be fed and I haven't had time to pump so I have very little milk on hand and it is possible that the formula is what is making her vomit... so it has to be me. I am so very tired.
Also, tomorrow is fuschia Saturday at Fred Meyer, and I am not sure if I can go, or where I would put a fuschia if I went, or if I knew where I wanted it, when I would have time to put it there.
TIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So, if anyone reads this, pray for me
pray for my attitude
that my eyes open and I am filled with renewed life that comes only from HIM
Thursday, April 10, 2014
Chapter 4: on contemplation
Currently I can't even imagine contemplating. It is 5:40 am and my husband is trying to feed my crying baby. Any minute now I am sure he is going to give up and try to give her to me, since I am awake and he still has sleeping to do. He might not though. We shall see. On to contemplating
Perfect. I think this first part is perfect for my mood right now, so I shall share it word-for-word: "Seeking the face of God in everything, everyone, everywhere, all the time, and seeing His hand in every happening--that is contemplation in the heart of the world."
and the rest of it is summed up in her final lines: "To me, contemplation is not to be shut up in a dark place, but to allow Jesus to live His passion, love, and humility in us, praying with us, being with us, sanctifying through us."
As my baby's cries subside, and I finish this chapter, I reflect:
Contemplation, for me, has always meant something similar to the Quaker's open worship, or time of silence. I am supposed to clear my mind and abide in Him or in His word. I can't do it. I might be able to some day, but for now, I am lucky if I can clear my mind for one minute. SOMETHING always comes in and derails my contemplation. However, I think I can get behind Mother Teresa's idea of contemplation.
To her, it sounds like, contemplation is found in action, in living in the world and finding that of God in it. I can do that. Some days I don't stop to reflect, but when I do, I am surrounded by God every day in : the students I teach, my endlessly supportive co-worker, parents who volunteer time and supplies without asking for anything in return, my husband who deals with a crying baby during his sleepy time while I am awake and getting ready for the day, family, and of course, the world outside, where currently flowers are blooming and trees are leafing out.
"but to allow Jesus to live His passion, love, and humility in us, praying with us, being with us, sanctifying through us"
I will say though, that while some days I feel equal to allowing Jesus to live his passion and love in me, other days I am more realistic.
I am a person who cares... a lot... about everything. You know the saying "break my heart for what breaks yours"? That is a frightening phrase for me, because there are thousands of things, more, that breaks God's heart, and each time I hear about one, if I let myself, I feel it. It breaks me. There is so much hurting in the world and I know it, and if I allow myself to let it all in, I feel it...All of it. I am not sure if others out there understand what that actually means, but the result is, that I have to be picky about what I let in, because otherwise I would walk around crying ALL THE TIME, and I mean it.
So, allowing God to fully live out His passion and love in me is a scary prospect, and one I don't think I am quite ready for yet. Maybe one day, after I figure out balance a little more, but until then, I pray God lives out SOME of his passion and love in me, and that I am able to see Him in this world in which we live.
Perfect. I think this first part is perfect for my mood right now, so I shall share it word-for-word: "Seeking the face of God in everything, everyone, everywhere, all the time, and seeing His hand in every happening--that is contemplation in the heart of the world."
and the rest of it is summed up in her final lines: "To me, contemplation is not to be shut up in a dark place, but to allow Jesus to live His passion, love, and humility in us, praying with us, being with us, sanctifying through us."
As my baby's cries subside, and I finish this chapter, I reflect:
Contemplation, for me, has always meant something similar to the Quaker's open worship, or time of silence. I am supposed to clear my mind and abide in Him or in His word. I can't do it. I might be able to some day, but for now, I am lucky if I can clear my mind for one minute. SOMETHING always comes in and derails my contemplation. However, I think I can get behind Mother Teresa's idea of contemplation.
To her, it sounds like, contemplation is found in action, in living in the world and finding that of God in it. I can do that. Some days I don't stop to reflect, but when I do, I am surrounded by God every day in : the students I teach, my endlessly supportive co-worker, parents who volunteer time and supplies without asking for anything in return, my husband who deals with a crying baby during his sleepy time while I am awake and getting ready for the day, family, and of course, the world outside, where currently flowers are blooming and trees are leafing out.
"but to allow Jesus to live His passion, love, and humility in us, praying with us, being with us, sanctifying through us"
I will say though, that while some days I feel equal to allowing Jesus to live his passion and love in me, other days I am more realistic.
I am a person who cares... a lot... about everything. You know the saying "break my heart for what breaks yours"? That is a frightening phrase for me, because there are thousands of things, more, that breaks God's heart, and each time I hear about one, if I let myself, I feel it. It breaks me. There is so much hurting in the world and I know it, and if I allow myself to let it all in, I feel it...All of it. I am not sure if others out there understand what that actually means, but the result is, that I have to be picky about what I let in, because otherwise I would walk around crying ALL THE TIME, and I mean it.
So, allowing God to fully live out His passion and love in me is a scary prospect, and one I don't think I am quite ready for yet. Maybe one day, after I figure out balance a little more, but until then, I pray God lives out SOME of his passion and love in me, and that I am able to see Him in this world in which we live.
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
Chapter 3: on Joy
"The joy of the Lord is our Strength"
She says joy is a natural outcome of a life spent in loving others. That from love, joy flows.
She says joy is the "token of the generous personality" and that he or she is like the sun in his/her community.
She also says that true love is love that causes us pain, yet brings joy.
I think I can say that I have always been a generally happy person, but I have not always been a joyful person. Happiness is contingent upon our feelings and emotions, and although I can often talk myself into being happy about something, it is different than joy.
Joy is eternal and doesn't change with the circumstances. Joy can exist even when we are at our lowest, I believe, because it springs from faith. If I believe with all of me that this will pass and that God will bring me out of this in victory, then even when I am broken, I can cling to joy, and it will buoy me up.
That being said, I do think that there are times when I have joy, and times when I don't. (I know, I said it was eternal...) I think I have joy more than I used to, and I lay the reasoning for that on an increase of faith. When I am at a low point, I often remember that He pulled me out of the last one, and the one before that, and therefore I know He will do the same for this one. The main thing that gets in my way tends to be my impatience. "Ok God, I know you will pull me through this. Can't you do it now?"
I guess that is my next big hurdle.
She says joy is a natural outcome of a life spent in loving others. That from love, joy flows.
She says joy is the "token of the generous personality" and that he or she is like the sun in his/her community.
She also says that true love is love that causes us pain, yet brings joy.
I think I can say that I have always been a generally happy person, but I have not always been a joyful person. Happiness is contingent upon our feelings and emotions, and although I can often talk myself into being happy about something, it is different than joy.
Joy is eternal and doesn't change with the circumstances. Joy can exist even when we are at our lowest, I believe, because it springs from faith. If I believe with all of me that this will pass and that God will bring me out of this in victory, then even when I am broken, I can cling to joy, and it will buoy me up.
That being said, I do think that there are times when I have joy, and times when I don't. (I know, I said it was eternal...) I think I have joy more than I used to, and I lay the reasoning for that on an increase of faith. When I am at a low point, I often remember that He pulled me out of the last one, and the one before that, and therefore I know He will do the same for this one. The main thing that gets in my way tends to be my impatience. "Ok God, I know you will pull me through this. Can't you do it now?"
I guess that is my next big hurdle.
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
Chapter 2: On Silence
"In the silence of the heart, God speaks."
She says: In order to make inner silence possible, practice silence of the eyes, ears, tongue, mind, and heart.
Eyes: by seeking the beauty of God everywhere and close them to all that is sinful
Ears: by listening to the voice of God and the cry of the poor, and close them to gossip and uncharitable words.
Tongue: praising God and speaking life-giving Truth, and refrain from self-defense and words that cause turmoil and pain
Mind: Opening to God in prayer and contemplation, and closing it to untruths, destructive thoughts and suspicions of others.
Heart: Loving God with all our Heart, Soul, Mind, Strength and loving others as God loves, while avoiding selfishness, hatred and greed
Finding silence is hard for me, and by hard, I mean near to impossible. I have a baby.
She is adorable, 2 months old and full of joy (and yelling). I have very few moments of peace. When she is asleep, there are things I need to get done (it just happens when you have a house, and run a school). When she is awake there are things I need to get done, but she is more important, so many things don't get done, or get done late. That's ok and normal (although most days it frustrates me to no end). She is supposed to take priority, and she does, but silence... who has the time?
I guess, for me, I tend to go and go and go until I can go no further without the silence, and it is those moments when I am at my wits-end and the baby is crying and I have thousands of things to do that I hold her tight, and cry and my mind, so full, suddenly dumps everything and I become empty, holding her, rocking her, crying, I become empty, and it is in those moments there is room in me, for God to fill me.
Would that I could find a way to bring myself to the silence some other way. It would be ever so much more pleasant. I try, but even now, when she is asleep with Daddy and I am having my quiet time, my mind cannot still. I am thinking about what to type, that I need to pump before I wake her up, that I need to load the car before I get her so I am not loading the car while she is angry in the car seat, that when I get to school I need to enter grades (if she will let me) before the kids come....
So, until then, until I find a way to empty purposefully, I suppose this is how I find silence...and I suppose that is enough for now.
She says: In order to make inner silence possible, practice silence of the eyes, ears, tongue, mind, and heart.
Eyes: by seeking the beauty of God everywhere and close them to all that is sinful
Ears: by listening to the voice of God and the cry of the poor, and close them to gossip and uncharitable words.
Tongue: praising God and speaking life-giving Truth, and refrain from self-defense and words that cause turmoil and pain
Mind: Opening to God in prayer and contemplation, and closing it to untruths, destructive thoughts and suspicions of others.
Heart: Loving God with all our Heart, Soul, Mind, Strength and loving others as God loves, while avoiding selfishness, hatred and greed
Finding silence is hard for me, and by hard, I mean near to impossible. I have a baby.
She is adorable, 2 months old and full of joy (and yelling). I have very few moments of peace. When she is asleep, there are things I need to get done (it just happens when you have a house, and run a school). When she is awake there are things I need to get done, but she is more important, so many things don't get done, or get done late. That's ok and normal (although most days it frustrates me to no end). She is supposed to take priority, and she does, but silence... who has the time?
I guess, for me, I tend to go and go and go until I can go no further without the silence, and it is those moments when I am at my wits-end and the baby is crying and I have thousands of things to do that I hold her tight, and cry and my mind, so full, suddenly dumps everything and I become empty, holding her, rocking her, crying, I become empty, and it is in those moments there is room in me, for God to fill me.
Would that I could find a way to bring myself to the silence some other way. It would be ever so much more pleasant. I try, but even now, when she is asleep with Daddy and I am having my quiet time, my mind cannot still. I am thinking about what to type, that I need to pump before I wake her up, that I need to load the car before I get her so I am not loading the car while she is angry in the car seat, that when I get to school I need to enter grades (if she will let me) before the kids come....
So, until then, until I find a way to empty purposefully, I suppose this is how I find silence...and I suppose that is enough for now.
Monday, April 7, 2014
In the Heart of the World
I am trying to spend some time with God each day. I picked up a book at Goodwill that may help me in my endeavor. it is Mother Teresa, In the Heart of the World. I can't find my journal, where I normally write my reflections, so I am going to write here.
Man, one chapter is full of so much... The first chapter was on compassion. It is broken into four sections.l Smile, suffering, actions, and love.
Smile is about spreading the love of and peace of God through smiles. She says to smile five times a day at people we don't feel like smiling at to sow the peace of God.
Suffering is about how so many people are suffering, and suffering from hunger, and homelessness, but that the worst suffering is the suffering of the unwanted. That people are suffering from loneliness because the world runs at such a fast pace that their are people who can't keep up, who fall down and get left behind. These are the people we must love. She says we have to have the courage to accept people as they are, even when they can't keep up, because "the life-giving sap that flows from the vine to each of the branches is the same."
Actions is about loving people through our actions. It sites the story in the Bible where Jesus feeds the multitude with the fish and the loaves. She talks about how God filled their physical needs before he tried teaching them and filling their spiritual needs. He cared about both, not just about preaching to people.
The final section is one sentence long: "In loving one another through our works, we bring an increase of grace and a growth in divine love."
I think this chapter spoke to me in a couple of ways:
1. I already smile at people a lot, and often I smile at people I don't feel like smiling at, but I could do that more. Sometimes I get frustrated at people, but often it is when I am in a hurry and forget that other people have places to be and things to do as well. Most of the time my uncharitable thoughts stem from a selfish impatience with others. I can work on that...
2. Some people are lonely. MT says that she believes that the greatest suffering is loneliness, feeling unloved and just having no one. Sometimes I feel lonely, but there is a difference. Some people are really, truly, alone, and if I know that, if I believe it, that changes my lonely, but it also spurs me, in my own ministry, to teach kids to embrace those who have no one else. To teach kids to love those who are different and don't have the same things in common with them. I need to teach these kids how to truly love.
3. Sometimes it is hard for me when people talk about their ministries, because it often makes me feel like I am not doing anything with my life to serve God. I don't go to soup kitchens or give out blankets to the homeless, I don't go to other countries, and I don't give to tons of charities. I am a teacher, and sometimes I feel like my occupation just isn't enough. But, then I remember that my act of service doesn't HAVE to look like everyone else's, it just has to be service, and that is enough for God
and in the end, it is what He thinks that matters.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)