So, I just had my kids write a reflection of how these three songs relate to their lives:
Voice of Truth
Until the Whole World Hears
Oceans (Where feet may fail)
And, I thought this would be a good time to do my own journal writing. I will probably start it now, but I doubt they can all write as long as I can, so I will probably finish it later...
In fact, I am already starting to hear restless paper movement, so I may have to come back to this later.
Today Jolaine and several highschoolers are at a Memorial Service for the mother of one of our students. We have a sub in her room, and things are going well here, but my thoughts and prayers rest with Jo and our kids.
This Jr. Higher is going through so much, guilt, anger, saddness...and it is almost too much for her to bear.
They are worried she may run...she has a history. If I were her, I would think about it too, knowing what she will have to face there. So, they have gone to support and become a circle of protection around this girl. My prayers are with them.
I pray that during this she feels God's hedge of protection around her.
I pray they feel the peace that Paul felt in prison--the kind that transcends understanding.
I pray that their actions show her the Love of God, and that she will truly see the work of God in this situation.
I pray that they come back changed and unified with God's will, strength, and vision.
I hear she hears the Voice of Truth through the voices of CFCA surrounding her, and that she turns, and truly listens, and begins to love herself again.
Maybe I did have time...
Friday, April 10, 2015
Thursday, February 5, 2015
Devotion
So, my virtue of this week was Devotion. No, really, it was. It just so happens that God thinks he is HILARIOUS, and so on the week I am supposed to be practicing devotion, my baby gets sick. I mean really sick.
Here was my week.
To preface, Baby has had a mild head cold since Sunday the 25th ish of January. Then, on Sunday night of February 1st, she develops a fever. I think nothing of it, really, but call our daycare provider to let her know, because most of the time a kid can't go in to daycare or school if they have had a fever within the last 24 hrs.
So, we understand that Vivian is not going to daycare tomorrow, and Jeremy is out of PTO (paid time off) and since we need him to make money, since I barely make any, I am staying home with the baby.
Our daycare provider, who also happens to be Jeremy's (and I claim her to be mine as well) sister in law, suggest that we take her to the dr. because if they develop a fever after they are already sick, it could be an infection.
So, Monday morning (was it really only Monday?) I call the Dr, and they can't fit me in, but one of their colleges can. So, we make an appointment for 2:20 (this is after a day of so much crying and sleeping on Vivian's part that I am really glad at this point that I have decided to take her in.) I get her ready, and we are running a little late, which I hate, and then I realize I need gas. So, already in a rush, we pull into the FM gas station (with V crying in the back seat) and they have two lanes closed and each open lane has a line of at least 4 cars. I don't have time. So, I turn around, talking to God about how He should make better choices, and how I was going to leave the gas tank in His hands because I had enough to worry about, trying to drive safely with a crying child.
We get there on time, (gas light came on half way) and we are taken back to see the nurse. I don't remember much of that day, other than these snippets
2 and 1/2 hrs with a crying/sleeping/crying/sleeping child in the dr office
Dr. says things like:
hear something in the lungs
chest x-ray in case pneumonia
antibiotics
respiratory rate is fast
worrysome
double infection
emergency room
Dornbecker's
blood work
possible cathter
So, after 2 and 1/2 hrs, they send us to the Beaverton clinic on Western to get antibiotics, bloodwork and a chest x-ray. I also, at this point notice, that Vivian hasn't really taken any fluids since 8:30 that morning, and has barely wet any diapers. I mention that, and they note it, but don't say much about it at this point.
So, shaken up, I take a crying baby outside (she calms down almost immediately) and call Jeremy to come get us and take us to Western.
We get the x-ray, pick up antibiotics, and get the blood drawn (3 tries...it took them 3 tries while I am holding my poor screaming baby in a vice-like bear hug to keep her from moving...) X-ray is negative for pneumonia, so we now don't need the antibiotics we have purchased.
We go home, and she still refuses liquids (took a few sips of water and that was it). I call the advise nurse, and he tells us to monitor her intake. If she goes 8 hours without urinating, take her to emergency. Also look for uncommon behavior, like excessive irritability (really? She's sick! of course she's irritable) I am more confused now than I was before I got on the phone. So do we take her, or is this just the nothing I thought it was just that morning?
Sleep barely happened for anyone. Tuesday morning we get up and I change her diaper. Tiny bit of yellow, and a tiny bit of pink. I immediately freak out and call again. I am waiting on the phone for 5 minutes on hold. Finally, Jeremy and I just take her to the emergency room. Triage, wait, crying baby, she has some Popsicle (yeayy), more inspections. It is either an upper respiratory virus, or a UTI. The only way to tell if it is a UTI is a catheter. They suggest going home and waiting a day or two. They at least gave me some useful info.
1. You can give infant IBprofun every 6 hours
2. You can give infant tylenol every 4 hours
3. You can give Infant IBprofun, then wait three hours, give Tylenol, wait another 3 and give IBprofun, in that pattern, to keep the fever down.
4. Give her any liquid she wants: applesause, juice, milk, water, formula, popsickles--anything to get liquid into her
5. This virus usually lasts 2-5 days.
6. watch for signs of dehydration--instead of being clingy, she doesn't want to be touched, is lethargic and stares off into space.
So, we go home (around 1 on Tuesday) and follow the advice. Tuesday evening she starts taking more liquids. Wednesday is better, and I think I will be able to go back to school Thursday, until her fever comes back Wednesday night...
Anyway, still sick, but so much better...and no fever since Wed. night.
But, I think I have learned a little bit about devotion. I am just hoping I don't have to repeat this lesson any time soon.
(There was a point when I yelled at God, as my baby cried in pain and frustration. I needed sleep, and I was frustrated as well. I told him that I knew I need to learn patience, but I was sure he could think of another way to teach me, other than torturing her. She fell asleep a few minutes later...Thanks God!)
Here was my week.
To preface, Baby has had a mild head cold since Sunday the 25th ish of January. Then, on Sunday night of February 1st, she develops a fever. I think nothing of it, really, but call our daycare provider to let her know, because most of the time a kid can't go in to daycare or school if they have had a fever within the last 24 hrs.
So, we understand that Vivian is not going to daycare tomorrow, and Jeremy is out of PTO (paid time off) and since we need him to make money, since I barely make any, I am staying home with the baby.
Our daycare provider, who also happens to be Jeremy's (and I claim her to be mine as well) sister in law, suggest that we take her to the dr. because if they develop a fever after they are already sick, it could be an infection.
So, Monday morning (was it really only Monday?) I call the Dr, and they can't fit me in, but one of their colleges can. So, we make an appointment for 2:20 (this is after a day of so much crying and sleeping on Vivian's part that I am really glad at this point that I have decided to take her in.) I get her ready, and we are running a little late, which I hate, and then I realize I need gas. So, already in a rush, we pull into the FM gas station (with V crying in the back seat) and they have two lanes closed and each open lane has a line of at least 4 cars. I don't have time. So, I turn around, talking to God about how He should make better choices, and how I was going to leave the gas tank in His hands because I had enough to worry about, trying to drive safely with a crying child.
We get there on time, (gas light came on half way) and we are taken back to see the nurse. I don't remember much of that day, other than these snippets
2 and 1/2 hrs with a crying/sleeping/crying/sleeping child in the dr office
Dr. says things like:
hear something in the lungs
chest x-ray in case pneumonia
antibiotics
respiratory rate is fast
worrysome
double infection
emergency room
Dornbecker's
blood work
possible cathter
So, after 2 and 1/2 hrs, they send us to the Beaverton clinic on Western to get antibiotics, bloodwork and a chest x-ray. I also, at this point notice, that Vivian hasn't really taken any fluids since 8:30 that morning, and has barely wet any diapers. I mention that, and they note it, but don't say much about it at this point.
So, shaken up, I take a crying baby outside (she calms down almost immediately) and call Jeremy to come get us and take us to Western.
We get the x-ray, pick up antibiotics, and get the blood drawn (3 tries...it took them 3 tries while I am holding my poor screaming baby in a vice-like bear hug to keep her from moving...) X-ray is negative for pneumonia, so we now don't need the antibiotics we have purchased.
We go home, and she still refuses liquids (took a few sips of water and that was it). I call the advise nurse, and he tells us to monitor her intake. If she goes 8 hours without urinating, take her to emergency. Also look for uncommon behavior, like excessive irritability (really? She's sick! of course she's irritable) I am more confused now than I was before I got on the phone. So do we take her, or is this just the nothing I thought it was just that morning?
Sleep barely happened for anyone. Tuesday morning we get up and I change her diaper. Tiny bit of yellow, and a tiny bit of pink. I immediately freak out and call again. I am waiting on the phone for 5 minutes on hold. Finally, Jeremy and I just take her to the emergency room. Triage, wait, crying baby, she has some Popsicle (yeayy), more inspections. It is either an upper respiratory virus, or a UTI. The only way to tell if it is a UTI is a catheter. They suggest going home and waiting a day or two. They at least gave me some useful info.
1. You can give infant IBprofun every 6 hours
2. You can give infant tylenol every 4 hours
3. You can give Infant IBprofun, then wait three hours, give Tylenol, wait another 3 and give IBprofun, in that pattern, to keep the fever down.
4. Give her any liquid she wants: applesause, juice, milk, water, formula, popsickles--anything to get liquid into her
5. This virus usually lasts 2-5 days.
6. watch for signs of dehydration--instead of being clingy, she doesn't want to be touched, is lethargic and stares off into space.
So, we go home (around 1 on Tuesday) and follow the advice. Tuesday evening she starts taking more liquids. Wednesday is better, and I think I will be able to go back to school Thursday, until her fever comes back Wednesday night...
Anyway, still sick, but so much better...and no fever since Wed. night.
But, I think I have learned a little bit about devotion. I am just hoping I don't have to repeat this lesson any time soon.
(There was a point when I yelled at God, as my baby cried in pain and frustration. I needed sleep, and I was frustrated as well. I told him that I knew I need to learn patience, but I was sure he could think of another way to teach me, other than torturing her. She fell asleep a few minutes later...Thanks God!)
Saturday, January 24, 2015
Commitment
Ok, so this is funny. This week's word is Commitment, and when I read it this is what it says:
"When we commit our lives to God, something happens deep within us. Our priorities begin to change. We begin to see the spiritual truth in everyday life..."
This sounds a whole lot like my week of re-centering.
It is as if God wants me to keep doing it, or something (I say this, knowing that the book was written well before I began doing this, but also knowing that God knew I would be here one day... not that the whole book revolved around me when it was being written...Maybe God just brought me to this book because he knew I would need it at this time...???
Regardless... Here we go Commitment!
"When we commit our lives to God, something happens deep within us. Our priorities begin to change. We begin to see the spiritual truth in everyday life..."
This sounds a whole lot like my week of re-centering.
It is as if God wants me to keep doing it, or something (I say this, knowing that the book was written well before I began doing this, but also knowing that God knew I would be here one day... not that the whole book revolved around me when it was being written...Maybe God just brought me to this book because he knew I would need it at this time...???
Regardless... Here we go Commitment!
My week of re-centering
Wow, this week wasn't so bad. I am a little tired since the monster slept so poorly last night, but on the whole, I feel a lot more balanced than normal.
That isn't to say that I don't have papers to grade, grades to enter, a house to clean, a dishwasher to fix, food to make, and a body that needs to lose weight before my knee breaks altogether (it has been hurting pretty regularly now).
Nope, I have stuff to do.
Stuff with deadlines...
Stuff that is WORK...
Stuff that is exhausting...
And not quite enough sleep... still...
But I feel ok about it.
What is different? What have I done, or made a habit of doing in the last few days that I had been missing?
I stop and pray.
In the middle of the stuff and the demands and the deadlines, when something comes across my desk, my e-mail, my ears, I stop and pray. Just a small prayer. It only takes a few seconds... but I take the time, the energy, the focus, to stop.
It isn't easy though! I have a line of students at my desk needing help, panicking because they need everything done and turned in within an hour. Mrs. Davis pops her head in and says she needs to run one of the baby goats to the vet...it is wheezing and not doing well. I have papers to grade and kids to help, and now two classrooms to supervise. I pause and pray. I pray for the goat, and the family that has been bottle feeding it every 2 hours around the clock for the last week. Kids need my help. The class in the other room gets louder, but I pause and pray.
And it made a difference, I think. Now, of course, I am approaching this from a specific worldview, and not everyone who may come across and read this may be from this view.
It could be that I pause and center... a form of meditation...
It could be that I reclaim a tiny bit of myself within the madness...
I could be.....
I know... I know it could be... but my center IS God, or should be anyway. And yes, I do reclaim a tiny bit of myself within the madness... the tiny bit of myself that is that of God within me, which I sometimes lose in the madness.
Whatever you would like to call it, when I find my center, even when everything else is rushing at breakneck speed around me, I find a tiny spot of quiet, and for a moment, that is where I live. For now, it is enough.
That isn't to say that I don't have papers to grade, grades to enter, a house to clean, a dishwasher to fix, food to make, and a body that needs to lose weight before my knee breaks altogether (it has been hurting pretty regularly now).
Nope, I have stuff to do.
Stuff with deadlines...
Stuff that is WORK...
Stuff that is exhausting...
And not quite enough sleep... still...
But I feel ok about it.
What is different? What have I done, or made a habit of doing in the last few days that I had been missing?
I stop and pray.
In the middle of the stuff and the demands and the deadlines, when something comes across my desk, my e-mail, my ears, I stop and pray. Just a small prayer. It only takes a few seconds... but I take the time, the energy, the focus, to stop.
It isn't easy though! I have a line of students at my desk needing help, panicking because they need everything done and turned in within an hour. Mrs. Davis pops her head in and says she needs to run one of the baby goats to the vet...it is wheezing and not doing well. I have papers to grade and kids to help, and now two classrooms to supervise. I pause and pray. I pray for the goat, and the family that has been bottle feeding it every 2 hours around the clock for the last week. Kids need my help. The class in the other room gets louder, but I pause and pray.
And it made a difference, I think. Now, of course, I am approaching this from a specific worldview, and not everyone who may come across and read this may be from this view.
It could be that I pause and center... a form of meditation...
It could be that I reclaim a tiny bit of myself within the madness...
I could be.....
I know... I know it could be... but my center IS God, or should be anyway. And yes, I do reclaim a tiny bit of myself within the madness... the tiny bit of myself that is that of God within me, which I sometimes lose in the madness.
Whatever you would like to call it, when I find my center, even when everything else is rushing at breakneck speed around me, I find a tiny spot of quiet, and for a moment, that is where I live. For now, it is enough.
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
Wow...and Wow
So, my week of balance (last week if anyone is keeping track... was NOT a week of balance...
Thus the NOT POSTING.
When I finally had time to post, it was 9:00, the baby was barely in bed, and I didn't want to do anything but vegg out on the couch...
On Saturday Jeremy was away all day hanging with the guys (Yeayy for guy's days out!) and I got to play with my baby all day. On Sunday we had church, and then I worked all afternoon while Jeremy took the baby over to a friend's house so I could concentrate (because she is very distractingly adorable when she wants her momma!) and on Monday I had no school, but daycare was closed, so I had the baby again (so cute!). Anyway, crazyness! It is the end of the quarter and kids are freaking out because they have all this missing work (that I have been telling them for a while that they need to get done, hello!) and the last day to turn in papers is tomorrow.
Jeremy did dishes last night
Jeremy took out the trash last night
Jessie did nothing... I'm not helpful
I run and run and run all day, fixing other people's problems, being blamed for kids not doing things when I tell them they need to, needing to solve conflicts that parents should be taking care of at home, and teaching kids when it is GOOD to tattle and when it is BAD to tattle. I move move move all day long, and when I get home I am tired.
I have to talk myself into NOT being selfish (and often I lose). I need to continue to work on balance, because if I can balance my life a little more, then maybe I won't be so ready to quit everything when I get home.
I am at school now, and my book is not here with me... but this is the point where I remember...
I remember what the week of balance was all about...
(you got to love how much I use ellipses!...)
It was about focusing on the important things... the center.
So I am going to Curves again (Yeayyy) two days a week, and they have just started this video thing during it, so you are on a machine for a bit, and then you switch to what is on the video, and currently it is a balance exercise (I just got this! Thanks God! ...smart aleck!) Anyway, when you do the balance exercises, you are supposed to pull in your stomach and focus on your center. It is amazing how well it works to balance you!
And that is what the book was talking about! Pulling everything in toward the center! Balance!
So, what I really need is not more weeks to practice JUGGLING all the things I need to do... but I need to focus on the CENTER, and everything else will fall into place!
Thus the NOT POSTING.
When I finally had time to post, it was 9:00, the baby was barely in bed, and I didn't want to do anything but vegg out on the couch...
On Saturday Jeremy was away all day hanging with the guys (Yeayy for guy's days out!) and I got to play with my baby all day. On Sunday we had church, and then I worked all afternoon while Jeremy took the baby over to a friend's house so I could concentrate (because she is very distractingly adorable when she wants her momma!) and on Monday I had no school, but daycare was closed, so I had the baby again (so cute!). Anyway, crazyness! It is the end of the quarter and kids are freaking out because they have all this missing work (that I have been telling them for a while that they need to get done, hello!) and the last day to turn in papers is tomorrow.
Jeremy did dishes last night
Jeremy took out the trash last night
Jessie did nothing... I'm not helpful
I run and run and run all day, fixing other people's problems, being blamed for kids not doing things when I tell them they need to, needing to solve conflicts that parents should be taking care of at home, and teaching kids when it is GOOD to tattle and when it is BAD to tattle. I move move move all day long, and when I get home I am tired.
I have to talk myself into NOT being selfish (and often I lose). I need to continue to work on balance, because if I can balance my life a little more, then maybe I won't be so ready to quit everything when I get home.
I am at school now, and my book is not here with me... but this is the point where I remember...
I remember what the week of balance was all about...
(you got to love how much I use ellipses!...)
It was about focusing on the important things... the center.
So I am going to Curves again (Yeayyy) two days a week, and they have just started this video thing during it, so you are on a machine for a bit, and then you switch to what is on the video, and currently it is a balance exercise (I just got this! Thanks God! ...smart aleck!) Anyway, when you do the balance exercises, you are supposed to pull in your stomach and focus on your center. It is amazing how well it works to balance you!
And that is what the book was talking about! Pulling everything in toward the center! Balance!
So, what I really need is not more weeks to practice JUGGLING all the things I need to do... but I need to focus on the CENTER, and everything else will fall into place!
Monday, January 12, 2015
Balance
So, I was going to post this last night, but this weekend was busy.
First was Saturday, when I went to the mall and bought some much needed, and very comfortable shoes (and each pair is more than I have ever spent on shoes in my whole life, and probably more than 5 times more than I usually spend on shoes, but they were so comfortable my feet refused to settle for anything less...) I got back later than I thought I would, and stayed up after bedtime making banana bread and scones (I can't remember the last time I baked, and it felt good!)
Then Sunday was church, and then the usual crowd came over and I didn't get started on my school work until 5. Also, it is very difficult to concentrate on grading papers when there is an adorable baby at you knee demanding to be picked up. So I got most of that done after V. went to bed, which was close to 9. At 10 I was finally finished, and I could have written here (let's be authentic shall we) but I was tired and just wanted to watch the last half of Avengers, lie on the couch, and make a candy cane so pokey it could stab someone (or at least my tongue).
So, this seems like the perfect time to talk about balance. And maybe being authentic about balance in my life...
My coworker is amazing. She comes to school every Monday detailing the long list of huge things she has accomplished during the weekend. She gets up early, is active all day with 4-H shows, and her farm, and her schoolwork, etc. and goes to bed at 1 or later each day. This repeats during the school week as well, where she is always shuttling kids to and from something (not during teaching hours) and rarely does she talk about having down time. Each day she comes in, talking about how busy her night is, and to hear her tell it (and I believe her) she only gets about 4 hours of sleep each night and no just sit down and relax time between.
I find myself constantly making excuses for myself. I tell her I didn't have time to finish grading papers, because I was so busy, when the reality was that at 9:00 I got so tired and bored that I watched tv for 45 minutes to decompress, then I went to bed around 10. It feels like I am cheating if I tell her that I got 6 hours of sleep. I compare myself to her all the time, and always feel like I come up short. She is Super Girl and I am an extra.
But that is not the reality. The reality is that I need to lead a life of Balance. Not Balance for her, but Balance for me. I need about 1/2 and hour to an hour of NO WORK time before bed, or I won't sleep. And I need sleep. I know what I need, and I endeavor to give those things to myself, but I also need to be authentic about it as well. I can't feel afraid to tell the truth.
We have one and a half weeks until report cards. That means that students will be turning in a crazy amount of work this week. God help me keep these things in balance: Work, Family, Friends, and Me, so I can effectively do your work in all aspects of my life.
First was Saturday, when I went to the mall and bought some much needed, and very comfortable shoes (and each pair is more than I have ever spent on shoes in my whole life, and probably more than 5 times more than I usually spend on shoes, but they were so comfortable my feet refused to settle for anything less...) I got back later than I thought I would, and stayed up after bedtime making banana bread and scones (I can't remember the last time I baked, and it felt good!)
Then Sunday was church, and then the usual crowd came over and I didn't get started on my school work until 5. Also, it is very difficult to concentrate on grading papers when there is an adorable baby at you knee demanding to be picked up. So I got most of that done after V. went to bed, which was close to 9. At 10 I was finally finished, and I could have written here (let's be authentic shall we) but I was tired and just wanted to watch the last half of Avengers, lie on the couch, and make a candy cane so pokey it could stab someone (or at least my tongue).
So, this seems like the perfect time to talk about balance. And maybe being authentic about balance in my life...
My coworker is amazing. She comes to school every Monday detailing the long list of huge things she has accomplished during the weekend. She gets up early, is active all day with 4-H shows, and her farm, and her schoolwork, etc. and goes to bed at 1 or later each day. This repeats during the school week as well, where she is always shuttling kids to and from something (not during teaching hours) and rarely does she talk about having down time. Each day she comes in, talking about how busy her night is, and to hear her tell it (and I believe her) she only gets about 4 hours of sleep each night and no just sit down and relax time between.
I find myself constantly making excuses for myself. I tell her I didn't have time to finish grading papers, because I was so busy, when the reality was that at 9:00 I got so tired and bored that I watched tv for 45 minutes to decompress, then I went to bed around 10. It feels like I am cheating if I tell her that I got 6 hours of sleep. I compare myself to her all the time, and always feel like I come up short. She is Super Girl and I am an extra.
But that is not the reality. The reality is that I need to lead a life of Balance. Not Balance for her, but Balance for me. I need about 1/2 and hour to an hour of NO WORK time before bed, or I won't sleep. And I need sleep. I know what I need, and I endeavor to give those things to myself, but I also need to be authentic about it as well. I can't feel afraid to tell the truth.
We have one and a half weeks until report cards. That means that students will be turning in a crazy amount of work this week. God help me keep these things in balance: Work, Family, Friends, and Me, so I can effectively do your work in all aspects of my life.
Sunday, January 11, 2015
Authenticity--Summing it up
First of all, to sum up my week of authenticity, I posted these AUTHENTIC pictures of my living room and kitchen on facebook:
All in all, I have learned a lot about choosing to be absolutely honest with God and being politely honest with others (not just polite) and I have found that it takes a lot of anger away when I am honest and don't have to HIDE (or try to hide) how I feel about things. I feel a lot lighter writing this, now, than I felt last week. I also found myself talking to God again, about random things during the day, and I think I forgot I wasn't doing that. Bringing God into the little moment, just to comment to Him about things, or to ask rhetorical questions, brings Him into the forefront of my mind, which, in itself, calms and centers me. I missed that, and didn't realize it.
So, thank you Authenticity! I hope to continue thinking about you and apply what I learned from you as I enter into this next week.
Hello Balance!
Thursday, January 8, 2015
Authenticity--In a rush
I am at school, and in about 8 minutes students will come in all excited and happy to see each other. Others will come in dragging and tired. Some will come, coffee in hand (Jr High and older only) claiming they are still asleep, and some will proudly claim they have been up since 4am playing games on their X-Box.
For a while, kids can't help but be authentic. I always know where I stand with my (almost) one year old daughter. Her 11 months of life are enough for her to know EXACTLY how she wants things to go. If she is well-rested and her tummy is full, for the most part she can roll with it if things don't go her way. However, when she is tired, or hungry, or her gums ache, she WILL let me know.
There is a sort of refreshing peace that comes when you don't have to guess how the people around you are taking what you are saying or doing. (Although I feel anything but peaceful when she is wailing...). When the people around you are authentic and tell you how the REALLY feel...hopefully kindly, then you are free to take people at their word and not second guess them.
I decided early in my marriage that I could either worry myself to death trying to figure out what my husband meant when he said he was "fine" with going to Shari's, or I could take him at his word, and that "fine" means ok, and that he really meant it. Sometimes I still get hung up on what "fine" means (does that mean you want to go, or that you would rather go somewhere else but you are "fine" with going if that is what I want to do...) but that sort of thinking DOES drive me crazy.
Maybe, during my week of Authenticity, I should assume authenticity in others. If I take people at their word, and not worry myself to death trying to figure out what they are REALLY trying to say, then maybe I will find some small measure of peace...
I wonder if that could be dangerous though. Should I always be authentic, but question the motives of those around me? That way I am not surprised or taken unawares when something goes bad...
Hmm... It is 8:03 now, and kids are piling in....I'm out of time...
But what do you think?
For a while, kids can't help but be authentic. I always know where I stand with my (almost) one year old daughter. Her 11 months of life are enough for her to know EXACTLY how she wants things to go. If she is well-rested and her tummy is full, for the most part she can roll with it if things don't go her way. However, when she is tired, or hungry, or her gums ache, she WILL let me know.
There is a sort of refreshing peace that comes when you don't have to guess how the people around you are taking what you are saying or doing. (Although I feel anything but peaceful when she is wailing...). When the people around you are authentic and tell you how the REALLY feel...hopefully kindly, then you are free to take people at their word and not second guess them.
I decided early in my marriage that I could either worry myself to death trying to figure out what my husband meant when he said he was "fine" with going to Shari's, or I could take him at his word, and that "fine" means ok, and that he really meant it. Sometimes I still get hung up on what "fine" means (does that mean you want to go, or that you would rather go somewhere else but you are "fine" with going if that is what I want to do...) but that sort of thinking DOES drive me crazy.
Maybe, during my week of Authenticity, I should assume authenticity in others. If I take people at their word, and not worry myself to death trying to figure out what they are REALLY trying to say, then maybe I will find some small measure of peace...
I wonder if that could be dangerous though. Should I always be authentic, but question the motives of those around me? That way I am not surprised or taken unawares when something goes bad...
Hmm... It is 8:03 now, and kids are piling in....I'm out of time...
But what do you think?
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
Authenticity and feeling fine
I thought I would post a quick update: I feel ok.
Yesterday was a GOOD day.
I got up at 5am and fed my baby.
I ate breakfast, packed my lunch, and posted my lament.
I went to school, and was reminded of how very far behind we are on almost everything.
I told my teaching partner how I feel totally ineffective.
I taught, and gave corrections, and gave lists of missing work and reminded kids we have 2 1/2 weeks until the end of the quarter.
I don't think I did anything different
but I was different.
I saw joy, I saw promise, I saw a glimmer of where we could go...
I came home exhausted, with a voice that was almost gone, and a cranky baby.
I had work to do, and a nap to give, and stuff to put away.
But something was different.
Not a lot different, but a little...
and yesterday, it was enough.
Yesterday was a GOOD day.
I got up at 5am and fed my baby.
I ate breakfast, packed my lunch, and posted my lament.
I went to school, and was reminded of how very far behind we are on almost everything.
I told my teaching partner how I feel totally ineffective.
I taught, and gave corrections, and gave lists of missing work and reminded kids we have 2 1/2 weeks until the end of the quarter.
I don't think I did anything different
but I was different.
I saw joy, I saw promise, I saw a glimmer of where we could go...
I came home exhausted, with a voice that was almost gone, and a cranky baby.
I had work to do, and a nap to give, and stuff to put away.
But something was different.
Not a lot different, but a little...
and yesterday, it was enough.
Monday, January 5, 2015
Authenticity and Lament
So our church service yesterday was about Lament, which I was totally blowing off at the time because, hello, cute baby crawling all over me! However, in the middle of our singing, one of the worship team leaders said something that caught my attention. We were singing happy, worshipful songs, and after one such song he stopped us and started saying something about Lament (which again, cute baby!) but then he said one word that shouted "pay attention" to me.
Authentic
And I thought, wow, coincidence. However, I heard. He was talking about how being authentic means sharing your fear, anger, sadness, frustration, and being honest with yourself and God about those feelings. I thought, "Oh, yeah, I've done that!" I had shared them with God and my blog, so I'm good, right!
But the word kept coming up.
Authentic
Authenticity...
And so my attention was continually drawn, but I still wasn't convinced, until my pastor started speaking. It was toward the end of the sermon, when she was trying to convince us to do this Lament excercise, where they had given everyone a handout with a short answer sort of questionnaire designed to have us write our own Lament. I wasn't going to do it. I thought...blah, blah, feel goodie (or sad..whatever) activity...blah blah... Until she spoke these words. They are a paraphrase, but I wrote them down because they gave me a reason to write:
Please be Authentic, at least with God. Tell Him how you really feel. Peace begins with us, and if we aren't authentic--honest about our places of fear, anger, mistrust...if we don't take those to God, the seeds will stay with us, and will be sown wherever we go. That fear, anger, and mistrust will spread...
The directions for the Lament include a step 6, which says "Curse On Enemies--(in lines 3-7 express your true desires, even if they are ugly; hold nothing back. Communicate your real emotions to God."
So here it is, my lament:
God, Help Me!
I feel tired/overwhelmed/ineffective/critical/negative.
I feel this way because YOU are giving me too much to do, with not enough time, not enough help, not enough sleep. I bring my frustrations to you, and instead of going out of me and to you, they sit in me and create a well of negativity, each new event growing on the other as the well of grows deeper and deeper.
I have 4 full grade levels to teach on my own, plus at least 4 other classes with 3rd-12 grades. I am in charge of technology and parent communication at my school. We have plays, accreditation, field trips, continuing education and more. In addition I have home life, with my husband and baby. Much of the home time is filled with planning and grading. I am not able to fill ANY of my roles effectively. I am tired, and pick at the least little frustration and each little frustration adds to the growing well of dimness inside of me and calls for more criticism and negativity.
I know you are a God of love and faithfulness, and I remember when you answered my prayers about Vivian. I remember when you brought me to this school, and you brought me my husband. When my family was far away, you created a new family for me out of people I love, who love me. I know you have a plan, and that Your was are not my ways. I know you are the God of peace and that eventually I will find rest.
Authentic
And I thought, wow, coincidence. However, I heard. He was talking about how being authentic means sharing your fear, anger, sadness, frustration, and being honest with yourself and God about those feelings. I thought, "Oh, yeah, I've done that!" I had shared them with God and my blog, so I'm good, right!
But the word kept coming up.
Authentic
Authenticity...
And so my attention was continually drawn, but I still wasn't convinced, until my pastor started speaking. It was toward the end of the sermon, when she was trying to convince us to do this Lament excercise, where they had given everyone a handout with a short answer sort of questionnaire designed to have us write our own Lament. I wasn't going to do it. I thought...blah, blah, feel goodie (or sad..whatever) activity...blah blah... Until she spoke these words. They are a paraphrase, but I wrote them down because they gave me a reason to write:
Please be Authentic, at least with God. Tell Him how you really feel. Peace begins with us, and if we aren't authentic--honest about our places of fear, anger, mistrust...if we don't take those to God, the seeds will stay with us, and will be sown wherever we go. That fear, anger, and mistrust will spread...
The directions for the Lament include a step 6, which says "Curse On Enemies--(in lines 3-7 express your true desires, even if they are ugly; hold nothing back. Communicate your real emotions to God."
So here it is, my lament:
God, Help Me!
I feel tired/overwhelmed/ineffective/critical/negative.
I feel this way because YOU are giving me too much to do, with not enough time, not enough help, not enough sleep. I bring my frustrations to you, and instead of going out of me and to you, they sit in me and create a well of negativity, each new event growing on the other as the well of grows deeper and deeper.
I have 4 full grade levels to teach on my own, plus at least 4 other classes with 3rd-12 grades. I am in charge of technology and parent communication at my school. We have plays, accreditation, field trips, continuing education and more. In addition I have home life, with my husband and baby. Much of the home time is filled with planning and grading. I am not able to fill ANY of my roles effectively. I am tired, and pick at the least little frustration and each little frustration adds to the growing well of dimness inside of me and calls for more criticism and negativity.
I know you are a God of love and faithfulness, and I remember when you answered my prayers about Vivian. I remember when you brought me to this school, and you brought me my husband. When my family was far away, you created a new family for me out of people I love, who love me. I know you have a plan, and that Your was are not my ways. I know you are the God of peace and that eventually I will find rest.
Thursday, January 1, 2015
Authenticity
I know it is a little early for this, as it isn't the beginning of the week yet, but I thought that this would be a good one to get started with, and to spend a little more time on.
Authenticity: (Dictionary.com: not false or copied; genuine; real:)
(I saw this at Ephesus in Turkey... I have a picture somewhere but I got this picture from https://www.flickr.com/photos/21977945@N02/3765914738/)
Man I wish I could just post the whole thing here, but here is a piece of it. It talked about how Jesus, when referring to Nathaniel, spoke (John 1:47) "Here is truly an Israelite, in whom thee is nothing false." and when Nathaniel asked how Jesus knew him, Jesus replied "I saw you while you were still under the fig tree, before Philip called you." and this is what Stokes says:
"I saw you, Jesus' words imply, when you didn't know I was watching. I saw you alone, with no one to impress, no image to maintain. I saw the reality of your deepest soul. You are who you claim to be."
In some ways I am who I claim to be. In other ways I am not.
I am a mom
I am a teacher
I am an administrator
I am a counselor
I am a wife
I am a friend
I am a sister
I am a daughter
I am a co-worker
...and probably more
but more specifically:
I am a mom who doesn't spend enough time with her daughter, who gets super frustrated with a crying baby, and yet worries that there is no way in the world she could ever love another child as much as she loves her baby...so what kind of mom would that make her if she were to think of having another child???
I am a teacher who gets to school around 6:30 and leaves at 4 and still doesn't have time to plan or grade papers, and who falls so far short of being able to give a mere 14 students what they need.
I am an administrator who forgets to send out parent communications, forgets to plan parent meetings, forgets to meet with her co-worker, and falls short at getting All students up an running on Google Classrooms.
I am a counselor who attempts to counsel kids through things that she was never trained to counsel anyone through. Who attempts to guide kids to a deeper understanding of God when I myself am not spending the time with God I should be...
I am a wife who fails miserably at speaking kindly to her husband. Who gets frustrated and SHOWS IT rather than just asking nicely and reminding nicely because GOD FORBID he forget...because I NEVER forget right!!!? ??
I am a friend who is constantly asking and fails so many times to give. Who wants others to listen, and fails to do the listening back.
I am a sister who barely speaks to her siblings.
I am a daughter who barely speaks to her parents
I am a co-worker who gets unreasonably frustrated when my co-worker is just as busy and feels just as trapped as I do.
But I am also Jessie.
I am Jessie
And I am not sure what that means... but what I want it to mean is...
I am a Teacher who doesn't give up, and continually strives to meet students needs
And
I am a Writer, who pours LIFE onto paper (or computer screens)
And
I am Karuk, who teaches my child about our family's history and culture
And
I am a Woman, who can be anything she wants to be
And
I am a Mother, who LOVES without failing
And
I am a Wife, who forgives, and understands, and is PATIENT :)
and maybe more... but at least that...
This is a little of what I hope to find in me this year.
Hello 2015.
Authenticity: (Dictionary.com: not false or copied; genuine; real:)
(I saw this at Ephesus in Turkey... I have a picture somewhere but I got this picture from https://www.flickr.com/photos/21977945@N02/3765914738/)
Man I wish I could just post the whole thing here, but here is a piece of it. It talked about how Jesus, when referring to Nathaniel, spoke (John 1:47) "Here is truly an Israelite, in whom thee is nothing false." and when Nathaniel asked how Jesus knew him, Jesus replied "I saw you while you were still under the fig tree, before Philip called you." and this is what Stokes says:
"I saw you, Jesus' words imply, when you didn't know I was watching. I saw you alone, with no one to impress, no image to maintain. I saw the reality of your deepest soul. You are who you claim to be."
In some ways I am who I claim to be. In other ways I am not.
I am a mom
I am a teacher
I am an administrator
I am a counselor
I am a wife
I am a friend
I am a sister
I am a daughter
I am a co-worker
...and probably more
but more specifically:
I am a mom who doesn't spend enough time with her daughter, who gets super frustrated with a crying baby, and yet worries that there is no way in the world she could ever love another child as much as she loves her baby...so what kind of mom would that make her if she were to think of having another child???
I am a teacher who gets to school around 6:30 and leaves at 4 and still doesn't have time to plan or grade papers, and who falls so far short of being able to give a mere 14 students what they need.
I am an administrator who forgets to send out parent communications, forgets to plan parent meetings, forgets to meet with her co-worker, and falls short at getting All students up an running on Google Classrooms.
I am a counselor who attempts to counsel kids through things that she was never trained to counsel anyone through. Who attempts to guide kids to a deeper understanding of God when I myself am not spending the time with God I should be...
I am a wife who fails miserably at speaking kindly to her husband. Who gets frustrated and SHOWS IT rather than just asking nicely and reminding nicely because GOD FORBID he forget...because I NEVER forget right!!!? ??
I am a friend who is constantly asking and fails so many times to give. Who wants others to listen, and fails to do the listening back.
I am a sister who barely speaks to her siblings.
I am a daughter who barely speaks to her parents
I am a co-worker who gets unreasonably frustrated when my co-worker is just as busy and feels just as trapped as I do.
But I am also Jessie.
I am Jessie
And I am not sure what that means... but what I want it to mean is...
I am a Teacher who doesn't give up, and continually strives to meet students needs
And
I am a Writer, who pours LIFE onto paper (or computer screens)
And
I am Karuk, who teaches my child about our family's history and culture
And
I am a Woman, who can be anything she wants to be
And
I am a Mother, who LOVES without failing
And
I am a Wife, who forgives, and understands, and is PATIENT :)
and maybe more... but at least that...
This is a little of what I hope to find in me this year.
Hello 2015.
So, it's been forever
Ok, not really forever, but months. This is the first day of the new year. 1/1/15. Last year (2014) was a year of challenge, change, and imbalance. It was also the year my baby was born, which is part of the whole challenge, change and imbalance thing... It was the year the school I helped start was recommended for Accreditation. It was a year where I always felt NOT QUITE ENOUGH. For anything. Ever.
What happened to the faithful, planning, non-procrastinating, never-settling-for-second-best-ing, HAPPY, optimistic person I was? Where have I gone?
I haven't been faithful with "Quite time" or "Devotions" or however you want to say "being purposeful about being close to God."
I haven't gotten hardly ANYTHING done in my yard, and the bulb planting season is WAYYY past.
My house is dirty... I actually rejoiced the day I had time to clean our three toilets (in December... and probably not since June before that...)
I have gained 30 ish pounds SINCE I GAVE BIRTH! I can't even blame Vivian for them. I gained next to nothing when I was pregnant with her! I had to buy larger clothes so I don't look like I am a lumpy, disproportionate snowman-shaped person! And I haven't had time to go work out for 2 months. And (I have only gone, maybe 10 times since Vivian was born in February).
My students are behind where they should be in almost every subject, but I can't figure out how to speed them up without them missing something. On top of that I just did 2 months worth of grading this last week, that is how long I have gone since grading their papers...
My baby, most days, only sees me for 4ish hours. 5 if you count the nap where she DOESN'T see me because she is ASLEEP.
I get frustrated about NOT BEING ENOUGH, and I end up coming unglued at my amazing husband for the least little thing (like when he asks me what I was thinking about for dinner. I mean really...how could he be so demanding like that right!! right...)
So this year is going to be different. I am going to figure SOMETHING out... I am going to try to find the ME in the mess and be okay with whatever ME I find. To do this, I have decided to try to be intentional about doing some sort of "thing with God, ish thing..." and since time is something I am a little short on, it needs to be something quick. Since I would like to be challenged, or have something to focus on or work toward, I don't want some touchy "God loves you" "Forgive yourself" "God is all you need" sort of something. I know all of those things...I don't feel them right now, but I know them, and I know that eventually God is going to come out with his "Listen to Me" Hammer and break down all the walls I have been building to try to keep everything balanced, but until then, I shall soldier on.
Since I can't find something that screams "This is what God wants you to study this year!" I have gone back to an old favorite. It is called Simple Words of Wisdom: 52 Virtues for Every Woman by Penelope J. Stokes. I don't think the virtues themselves are gender specific, but the way it is written, the audience is definitely for women, mostly women with a spouse and children. I haven't read it since I had Vivian, so maybe I will get something else for it.
If anyone can think of a study-ish-thingie that fits my requirements, by all means suggest away, but as it says I have only one follower, I am doubtful I am going to get much of a response in that vein.
Anyway, my goal is to write at least once a week about the virtue of the week, and how the last week's virtue went. I know that I don't get many comments on here, but if you ever see me looking at thinks a little weirdly, or can think of different perspectives to give me, please don't be a stranger. I am looking for the Me that I have lost, and it is very probable, that I can find parts of it in all of you. (sappy, I know, but that is also me :)
What happened to the faithful, planning, non-procrastinating, never-settling-for-second-best-ing, HAPPY, optimistic person I was? Where have I gone?
I haven't been faithful with "Quite time" or "Devotions" or however you want to say "being purposeful about being close to God."
I haven't gotten hardly ANYTHING done in my yard, and the bulb planting season is WAYYY past.
My house is dirty... I actually rejoiced the day I had time to clean our three toilets (in December... and probably not since June before that...)
I have gained 30 ish pounds SINCE I GAVE BIRTH! I can't even blame Vivian for them. I gained next to nothing when I was pregnant with her! I had to buy larger clothes so I don't look like I am a lumpy, disproportionate snowman-shaped person! And I haven't had time to go work out for 2 months. And (I have only gone, maybe 10 times since Vivian was born in February).
My students are behind where they should be in almost every subject, but I can't figure out how to speed them up without them missing something. On top of that I just did 2 months worth of grading this last week, that is how long I have gone since grading their papers...
My baby, most days, only sees me for 4ish hours. 5 if you count the nap where she DOESN'T see me because she is ASLEEP.
I get frustrated about NOT BEING ENOUGH, and I end up coming unglued at my amazing husband for the least little thing (like when he asks me what I was thinking about for dinner. I mean really...how could he be so demanding like that right!! right...)
So this year is going to be different. I am going to figure SOMETHING out... I am going to try to find the ME in the mess and be okay with whatever ME I find. To do this, I have decided to try to be intentional about doing some sort of "thing with God, ish thing..." and since time is something I am a little short on, it needs to be something quick. Since I would like to be challenged, or have something to focus on or work toward, I don't want some touchy "God loves you" "Forgive yourself" "God is all you need" sort of something. I know all of those things...I don't feel them right now, but I know them, and I know that eventually God is going to come out with his "Listen to Me" Hammer and break down all the walls I have been building to try to keep everything balanced, but until then, I shall soldier on.
Since I can't find something that screams "This is what God wants you to study this year!" I have gone back to an old favorite. It is called Simple Words of Wisdom: 52 Virtues for Every Woman by Penelope J. Stokes. I don't think the virtues themselves are gender specific, but the way it is written, the audience is definitely for women, mostly women with a spouse and children. I haven't read it since I had Vivian, so maybe I will get something else for it.
If anyone can think of a study-ish-thingie that fits my requirements, by all means suggest away, but as it says I have only one follower, I am doubtful I am going to get much of a response in that vein.
Anyway, my goal is to write at least once a week about the virtue of the week, and how the last week's virtue went. I know that I don't get many comments on here, but if you ever see me looking at thinks a little weirdly, or can think of different perspectives to give me, please don't be a stranger. I am looking for the Me that I have lost, and it is very probable, that I can find parts of it in all of you. (sappy, I know, but that is also me :)
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