A wonderful mother

I have a friend.  She is a momma of 2 wonderful girls (who are sometimes not wonderful:).  And I am pregnant.  In about 5 months, I am going to be a momma too.  You would think that, in talking to my friend, I feel relief, peace, joy.  When I tell her my fears, you would think, since she has been there, and is there now, that she would have words of wisdom to ease (not erase) those fears.  She does.  She has those words, somewhere, but those aren't the words she gives me.

When I re-live my childhood, remembering that we learn parenting from our parents...When I reflect on my own impatient, selfish nature, knowing that those aren't the best traits when you have someone small depending on you...She gives me words.  But those words don't comfort me.  They don't relieve me.

I think they would, if the words she gave acknowledged my faults and my foibles.  I think they would if they allowed me to be ME in the midst of being MOM.  But they don't.

Her words tell me that I will be a wonderful mother.  They tell me I will be patient and kind.  They tell me that I will set healthy boundaries without pushing my children too far.  They tell me that once I hold that child in my arms, my inherent selfishness will be washed away for love of that child.  They tell me a lot of wonderful things.  Hopeful things.

But they don't ease me.  They are not what I need.

I need someone to tell me that I am going to mess up, but that it is ok.
I need someone to tell me that I WILL lose my patience and yell, but that my child will forgive me if I do.
I need someone to tell me that I will CONSTANTLY war within myself (and with my husband) about where REASONABLE boundaries are.
I need someone to tell me that I will have moments of selfishness, but also moments of reckless abandon.
And through it all
through all of my failures
and my successes
my mistakes
and good decisions
I will be
a wonderful mother.

Something I wrote last week:

Experiencing Creation

I call him Monster.

My Monster.

He may not be a he.

He may be a she, but I won’t know for a few more weeks.

Monster,

the weird alien growing inside me

Just a few months ago there was nothing;

now there is something

Someone….

            Someone IN there

Someone with tiny nails on tiny fingers

            on tiny hands

Someone whose three inch body looks more and more

like a SOMEONE each day

and less like a monster

Someone is there

            That Someone…

Sometimes I feel sick-ish

as if the monster is unhappy

but sometimes that monster is appeased

when I sing

And sometimes, when I ache, or feel gross

I call

“Monster, stop that!”

and my little three inch monster

never listens.

            Stubborn, like dad…

I call him Monster,

and I joke

            and there are even moments I forget

there is SOMEONE in there.

 Yesterday…

            Yesterday…

                        Yesterday the doctor

put a cold metal wand on my greased belly

and said “Listen.”

            And I listened

                        And Somewhere underneath

my beating heart

            Someone’s heart pounded

like a racehorse

            Fierce

                        ALIVE

Somewhere beneath my beating heart

Someone’s heart answered

            And I listened.

A letter to my Monster

Dear Monster,
I listened to you today.  I heard your tiny heart beating fast and steady like you were running a race.  I listened.  You were amazing.  Just you.  All you had to do was BE, and I loved you.  I had already loved you, but darling, that love is surprising, because it just keeps getting bigger, and my heart feels like it will burst from the pressure, but it never does.  I am so proud of you and your little heart.  My little Monster.  Our little Monster.  Even though you may never read these words, they are out there, broken into tiny ones and zeros and floating through tubes and channels the likes of which I will never understand.  Just BE, my darling, I will listen.

Love
Your Momma

Quick update

I feel gross.
Not revolting
Just generally icky.

If you don't want to know more, then stop reading here, because what follows is a pouting session:

ARRRGGGG I just want to feel normal-ish.  I know, it wasn't long ago when I was wondering if I was normal, since I didn't really FEEL pregnant.  Foolish me.  FOOLISH FOOLISH ME!
I feel gross.

I wake up and I feel fine, but the minute I start moving around, the monster demands to be fed.  It can't even wait until I am out of the shower either.  If I wait too long before feeding time, it makes my tummy feel so bad I feel like puking... which isn't very smart of it, considering that when I feel like puking, I just want to lay down and in no way feel like putting something INSIDE my stomach/the angry volcano.

Also, if I eat an ENTIRE bagel, apparently that is TOO MUCH food all at once, and it gets angry AGAIN!  Then for an hour or so I feel entirely disgusting, which is worse than icky but not as bad as revolting.    Then, an hour after that I am suddenly STARVING again.

For two days, about a week ago, I felt sick absolutely all day, and I haven't felt that way again (thank goodness).  Now just about every other hour I feel fine, and the rest of the time I feel gross.  I have not thrown up or anything, but sometimes I wish I would just vomit and get it over with.

I had an interesting conversation with my man the other day about vomit... speaking of... it turns out that there are people who would rather feel absolutely revolting for days rather than vomit and get it all over with.  Like, he hates throwing up so much that if he had the choice of throwing up and feeling better, or feeling horrible for days and not throwing up,  he would rather feel HORRIBLE for days.  I didn't even know that people like that existed.  I would much rather throw up and get it over with...

Any way.  I feel gross.  And I have packing to do.  and shopping, and.......  I just want to curl up in a little gross ball and tell the world to go away...

They say it gets better.

We shall see :)

A (somewhat) long time coming

For posterity (if this lasts that long) I am going to write some stuff here so I remember (and just in case future mothers want to know)

1. I am pregnant.  It took about 11 months of trying, but what actually worked was ...hmm, I did write it down, but then I remembered some of the people who might read this blog.. so I erased it.  .I didn't think Jeremy would like me saying this to the internet, so if you REALLY want to know (and don't just want to embarrass my husband) just ask me.

If you actually want to know more, keep reading.  If not, you should stop here....

Ok, you asked for it

2. First sign: Implantation spotting.  Two or three tiny drops of blood between periods.  I thought it was weird, but I had been hyper-sensitive about everything, so I decided to ignore it.

3. Second sign: weird aches.  my lower, front side, left or right but not both at the same time.  Not sharp pain, and not quite like cramps.  It was weird.

4. Third sign: Smell sensitivity.  I got into someone's car and smelled an overwhelming scent of peanut butter...it made me want to puke (but I didn't).  No one else smelled peanut butter.

5. I was about to take off on a 4 day field trip and I get car sick (really bad).  I had found some motion sickness medicine that worked really well for me, but I wanted to be 100% sure I wasn't pregnant before I took it.  The night before the trip, I took a pregnancy test.  It was positive.  I didn't believe it.  The next morning I took 2 more.  (one the same brand, then I thought I should try a different brand).  They both said positive.

6. I didn't get sick any of the 4 days we were on the trip, and we drove a lot.  This is a miracle!  Also, I was supposed to get my period during this trip, and had been praying that it came before or after... I guess God decided on after... much after.

7.  When I got back from my trip, I took the last pregnancy test (since they had come in sets of two, and if I was pregnant, I doubt it would last the years it would take for another one) and it was positive.

8.  I have noticed getting tired more easily, just a little though.  Also, hot flashes.  I felt a little icky in my stomach today around 4pm.  Teeth sensitivity.  That was one I didn't expect.  Also, the hot flashes were surprising.  No breast tenderness though.  And I don't have to pee any MORE often than normal... (yet, thank goodness...)

Any questions?  Post them in the comments.

Just thinking

This is just me taking 10 minutes to get what I am thinking out into the open air.  I just have so many thoughts tumbling around in my head, sometimes it helps to get them out of there, and I am a faster typer than I am a hand-writer.

So Jeremy and I are contemplating putting down an offer on a house.  This house is gorgeous.  I mean, wow!  But, it is expensive.  I mean, all houses are expensive, and it isn't like, a million-dollar home or anything.  It is, however, on the outside range of what we were willing to pay (per month).  Now, this wouldn't be a big problem if Jeremy gets a better job, but when you are first hired on, your position is more tenuous than if you had been there for a while. He is nervous (I think) and that makes me nervous.

I have always been a "jump in with both feet" kind of girl.  I think things through, but when I have made a decision, I jump.  Jeremy and I had talked about our finances, and because I thought the thinking time was over, I saw something I REALLY liked, within our limitations, and I was ready to jump.

I am so grateful for Jeremy, who has the wisdom to take a second look at things, or sometimes a third or fourth look at things.  Honestly, sometimes when I jump, things turn out great, but sometimes, I end up frenching a gross stranger in a dingy bar in Anchorage.

Right now I am taking a second look at our decision.  We haven't put down the offer yet.  We were going to last night, but something came up with the listing and we couldn't.  That gave Jeremy the cool-down time to start thinking again, which got me thinking again.  At first I thought that if God wanted us there, He would open the door to us, and if He didn't, then the house would cease to be available.  Now I am thinking that it is possible that God placed that small obstacle in our path so that we would take a second look at the road ahead.

I am afraid that we SHOULDN'T get the house.  Because I WANT it.

Don't you hate it when wisdom and desires come in conflict.  Now I have to choose which one wins, and, sadly (for my heart) I am leaning towards wisdom...

My devotional today

So lately, I have been thinking about Dietrich Bonhoeffer.  If you don't know who he is, I am sure Wikipedia would be happy to tell you.  He was an amazing man, though, and honesty wrestled with some serious faith issues he came across.  Because of that honesty, and his leading to bravely face his confusion head-on, I greatly respect and admire him.  So, when I found this devotional (A 40 Day Journey with Dietrich Bonhoeffer)  I was excited.  I began reading somewhere in the middle, and I skipped around (missing days here and there).  Today, though, I decided to go back to the first day of the devotional.

It spoke to me.  It didn't give me ANY answers, but it spoke to me nonetheless, and I though I might share it with you.

Keep praying.

--Me

Pray for me

I am posting this here because I know only a select-few people read this, and I don't want anything too wide-spread, but I would like prayer.

As you know, my school, Open Bible, is merging next year with CS Lewis.

And I don't know what to do.

I signed a letter of intent already (although that is not a contract) and they have told me that I will probably be teaching 3rd grade next year.

I don't know what to do.

The thing is, there are lots of things:
1. My teaching partner is not moving with me--she is starting a new venture--a kind of homeschool extention program for parents who want a christian education for their kids, but can't afford a Christian school
2. I feel like I am being demoted.  I know I am not, quite, really... but after going from a 3rd-4th grade teacher who teaches music, is in charge of the Christmas Program and Spring Fling and is in charge of our school's proffessional development (along with teaching reading to the 5-6th grade), I really kind of feel demoted.  They didn't even ask me what I wanted to do.  I have my Reading Specialist endorsement, and they are planning on hiring a reading specialist, but they didn't even ask me if I wanted the position.  It kind of feels like they are just taking me because they have to.  That might not be the case but...
3. I feel like I am moving in this direction simply because I am in this river, and that is the direction the river is taking me.  I don't feel MOVED.
4.  I want a calling.  I want to move because I am being called to move, not just because I am following the path of least resistance.
5.  Inside of me, I want to be with my teaching partner, but I haven't heard the voice yet.  I haven't gotten the "all clear" from the man upstairs.

It is possible that the word from The Man is that I should just follow this river, and maybe I don't want to, and maybe that is where this uneasy feeling is coming from.  But maybe, there is something He is trying to say, one way or the other, that my mind is just to busy to hear.

So, can you pray?  All of whoever you are out there who is still reading this?  Can you pray that God actually gives me direction?  And can you pray that I hear it?  And if you feel like God is giving YOU an answer, please be faithful to talk to me about it.  I value you.

--Me

He is risen

For this post, I think I will just post the lyrics to one of my favorite Easter Hymns.   In Christ Alone

In Christ alone my hope is found, He is my light, my strength, my song; this Cornerstone, this solid Ground, firm through the fiercest drought and storm. What heights of love, what depths of peace, when fears are stilled, when strivings cease! My Comforter, my All in All, here in the love of Christ I stand. In Christ alone! who took on flesh Fulness of God in helpless babe! This gift of love and righteousness Scorned by the ones he came to save: Till on that cross as Jesus died, The wrath of God was satisfied - For every sin on Him was laid; Here in the death of Christ I live. There in the ground His body lay Light of the world by darkness slain: Then bursting forth in glorious Day Up from the grave he rose again! And as He stands in victory Sin's curse has lost its grip on me, For I am His and He is mine - Bought with the precious blood of Christ. No guilt in life, no fear in death, This is the power of Christ in me; From life's first cry to final breath. Jesus commands my destiny. No power of hell, no scheme of man, Can ever pluck me from His hand; Till He returns or calls me home, Here in the power of Christ I'll stand. lyrics from Apostle.com

Holy Week Day 6

Saturday, March 30th
– Day of Silence 

Jesus in the tomb

Read John 19:38-42

Spend some time imagining what it would be like to be different characters in 
the story. 

What would it be like to be Jesus, lying dead in a tomb for 3 days? 
There are a couple of different takes on this.  Some people say that Jesus (himself, not his body) was elsewhere--In Hell, stealing the keys to Death, Guiding the God-fearing people who died before he did out of Hell and into the Light... And some people just think he was dead, gone.  This last one doesn't make sense to me, because I believe that everyone has an eternal soul.  Where was his?  Was he a ghost, haunting his body and tomb?  I don't know.  I kind of like the story of the Harrowing of Hell, but I like it more as a story, and less as theology.  I just don't think my God would allow people to be sent to Hell, just because they weren't born at the right time.  It just doesn't make sense to me, personally.  I know that some people believe it though, and that's fine.

What about the people who buried him? 
Nicodemus and Joseph of Arimathea.  Wow.  These two were both following Jesus in secret before his death.  They were afraid (like so many others...like us).  But then, something happened.  Something so drastic that they went before the governor to ask for Jesus' body, and then took it (in public--don't think that there weren't still people around)  and went to bury it.  Something happened inside them when Christ died.  Their fear wasn't the biggest thing in their lives anymore.  Something else had taken its place.  Sadly, it was a little late (not too late, because they still had an important role to play).

I guess, regardless of how late you enter the game, God can use you.  But just think about what God can do with you, if you enter the game before the last few minutes?  Anything!

What about the disciples who are waiting and wondering if he is going to come back to life?
Man!  Over and over I am reminded about fear in this story.  Fear.  It is understandable.  I mean, the one they have been following for 3 years is dead.  Dead.  They gave up everything to follow him, and now he is gone.  Not just gone, but taken and killed by their leaders.  What if they were next?  What if they decide that killing Jesus wasn't enough.  They want to believe, but fear gets in the way of belief.

I can't help but think about Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.  Indie had to walk across an invisible bridge in order to get to the Holy Grail.  Honestly, that part freaks me out every time (even though it is remarkably cheesy).  I am afraid of heights, and honestly, I don't know if I could do it.  Even if it was a glass bridge that I could see, I don't think I could do it.  Maybe if I crawled, very slowly, across... but probably not...  Faith that is bigger than Fear... that is hard to find, hard to muster, hard....  And sadly, the disciples couldn't find it. Do I blame them.  No.  Not at all.  But just like before, maybe there was more God could have done with them if they were ready to move right away.  Maybe...

But despite their fear, God still had a plan, and nothing gets in the way of God's plan.

I believe.

Try to cut out extra noise today. Avoid watching TV, listening to music, being on 
the Internet. Just go about your activities slowly and quietly.

I have failed at this already, and if you are reading this on Saturday, the 30th of March, 2013, so did you... :)

Holy Week part 5

Friday, March 29th
– Good Friday 

Jesus’ Death

Read John 18:1-19:37
Some parts that stuck out to me:

7 The Jews replied, “We have a law. That law says he must die. He claimed to be the Son of God.”

⁸ When Pilate heard that, he was even more afraid. ⁹ He went back inside the palace. “Where do you come from?” he asked Jesus.

But Jesus did not answer him.

¹⁰ “Do you refuse to speak to me?” Pilate said. “Don’t you understand? I have the power to set you free or to nail you to a cross.”

¹¹ Jesus answered, “You were given power from heaven. If you weren’t, you would have no power over me. So the one who handed me over to you is guilty of a greater sin.”

Pilate is scared.  This man has claimed to be the son of God.  The minute he hears that claim, he goes back to Jesus and demands to know where he comes from.  He saw something in Jesus.  He caught a glimpse of the divine  and he didn't know what to do about it.  I pray that when I catch such a glimpse, I also receive the wisdom to know what to do about it...

19 Pilate had a notice prepared. It was fastened to the cross. It read, jesus of nazareth, the king of the jews. ²⁰ Many of the Jews read the sign. The place where Jesus was crucified was near the city. The sign was written in the Aramaic, Latin and Greek languages.

²¹ The chief priests of the Jews argued with Pilate. They said, “Do not write ‘The King of the Jews.’ Write that this man claimed to be king of the Jews.”

²² Pilate answered, “I have written what I have written.”

Why?  Why did he have it written?  Why did he not change it?  Why did he have it written in three different languages?  In the other books (Matthew-Luke) I somehow assumed it was written as a mockery, like the crown of thorns and the purple robe that they taunted him with.  But this is different.  This was ordered by Pilate, the man who was scared, the man who caught a glimpse of the divine.  He refused to change it.  The sign was supposed to be what he was guilty of.  It should have said "blasphemy"  or "false prophet" or any number of other things... but it didn't.  Maybe it was his last attempt to say something about the Truth he saw... Pilate wasn't quite sure what to do with this man, but maybe, just maybe, he believed Jesus was who he said he was, and just didn't have the guts to do anything about it.  



Have someone read the story slowly out loud, while everyone else listens with paper and markers or pencils. Draw the story as you listen, or write down words or phrases that stand out to you. Afterwards, talk about them together.

OOOh, I kinda did that already, just by myself.

Queries:
What feelings arise in you as you listen to this story?
I think this story really humanizes Pilate.  I don't think he is necessarily a great guy, or is misunderstood or anything, but he seems more human.  He was a leader, but with any leader, you can only lead if people are willing to follow.  If all the students in my classroom just decided they didn't want to do anything, there is nothing I could do to force them to learn.  Pilate was facing a crazy mob about to riot.  He did what he had to do in order to keep the peace... in order to stay in charge.  I can see God knowing that about him.  I can see God knowing that Pilate would believe.  If there was no mob, if it was only the religious leaders and they had no backing from the people, I think Pilate would probably have let Jesus go, but that wasn't the way the story was supposed to end.  God used his knowledge of Pilate to direct the story.  Wow, it occurs to me that this is how stories are written.  You develop characters, and quite often the characters drive the story.  God knows the characters of this story intimately.  He KNOWS them, and so knows what to do to make the story play out the way it needs to.

I don't know about you, but this give me such HOPE.  God knows the characters in MY/YOUR/OUR story so intimately, that he knows just what to do to make our stories play out the way he wants them to.  He has a perfect plan for our lives, and knows just how to make that plan a reality.

Can you imagine yourself as a participant in this story? Which character(s) do 
you identify with the most?

I probably identify with Peter the most.  I believe, and I trust, but sometimes my fear is so close, I can't see the big God behind it.

me fear GOD

Holy Week Part 4

Thursday, March 28th
– Last Supper 

Jesus eats with his disciples 
Ok, this one seems difficult to do with my many readers, because, 1) I don't have many readers and 2) We will have to wash each other's feet virtually... which means--we can't really... but we could imagine!

Read John 13:1-17 & Mark 14:12-26

Jesus eats with the disciples one last time before his death. He takes the time 
to wash their feet, and offer them the cup and bread.

Try washing each other’s feet. What does it feel like to wash someone’s feet? 
I am probably totally sacrilegious here, but I think it would be totally weird.  Let me try to explain some.  Weird is such an un-specific word.  Have you ever laid on the floor on your back while someone stood over you looking down on you?  You are in a very vulnerable place.  You are ON THE FLOOR, and their feet are RIGHT THERE, ready to squish you perhaps...You are placing yourself in a place of subservience to the other person.  You are, in effect, placing them above you.  And then, even beyond that, you are then WASHING THEIR DIRTY STINKING FEET!  I am reminded of a line from The Beautician and the Beast here: "I've given pedicures to women who wore plastic shoes in summer... what could be a tougher gig than that?"

Don't get me wrong, I am not one of those people who think that feet are inherently gross, but I do believe they could be (STINKY!) and I do think that when you add the "being on the floor with someone over you" piece with the "washing stinking feet"  bit, I think you get more than just two.  When you add together "elevating OTHER more than Self" and "serve others even when it is stinky" I think it becomes more than just weird.  It might just become divine. 
To have yours washed?
For some the first part may be the hardest, and for others, it would be this part.  I have no doubt that Peter would have washed Jesus' feet in a heartbeat, but to have his washed, by Jesus, was just a little too far out of his comfort zone.  Why?  Pride quite often makes us MORE than willing to have this done.  Pride quite often brings us to the place where we feel we DESERVE it.  Yes, you should wash my feet.  I wonder if people who feel uncomfortable being the washee, and the people who feel uncomfortable being the washer, might have more in common than they think.

Having your feet washed...having someone kneel in front of you, hold your dirty stinking feet in their hand, and wash away the dirt, the sweat, the stink...it puts us in a vulnerable place.  It means we are allowing that we don't have all the answers, and that maybe, just maybe, they might be able to wash a little of the grime away.  It gives the other power over our grossness, our stink.  And although it doesn't feel that way to the washer, it really does to the washee.

This act of foot washing is amazing!  It places both participants in a similar state of understanding.  We understand that although I think I could do this alone, life is so much more full, when we allow OTHERS in, to help us clear out the gunk, and to help clear out their gunk.  Our lives were meant to be lived in service to one another, and it is in this action, that Christ encouraged us to do, that helps make this truth evident.

Just some of my thoughts....
any others?

Prepare a simple meal of bread and juice. Try reading the story while you eat, 
and offering a few moments of silent remembrance.

Queries:
Why did Jesus wash the disciples feet?

Why is the last supper so special?

Holy Week part 3

Wednesday, March 27th
– Tenebrae 
Reflecting on the death and sorrow of Jesus


Light candles and turn off all the lights.
I admit, I didn't do this.  It is pretty bright outside.  Plus, I don't really want to light a candle on my messy kitchen table... it would mean I would have to clean it...not going to happen right now.

Read Isaiah 53:4-9
I've read this passage in the NIV quite a few times, but I find that looking at another translation helps give fresh meaning sometimes.  I have linked it in The Message here, but I also appreciate the Amplified Bible as well as some others.  It isn't long.  Look around this site and find the translation that speaks to you most directly.

As an aside, the part where he is in the garden really helps me see, even more deeply, what he went through.  Whereas it does, later on, talk about him being beaten and cursed, it views it from a perspective that is farther removed from Christ.  In Gethsemane  though, you can see how Christ felt and understand more deeply what he is going through.  He is scared, not for his, or the world's future, but for his present.  He is lonely--God and his friends seem to have abandoned him.  But still, he is strong and faithful.  Here we see Jesus fully human, with all the weaknesses and strengths rolled into one.  He is not a robot.  He is a person, and despite his fears, it is now his turn to face away from the waves and step out in faith--and he does.  Thank God!

Talk through the story of Jesus’ death from memory. Take a few moments to write out how Jesus must have felt during the journey to the cross.

The story is long, and I am sure you can all remember it.  If we were actually together, we could take turns talking and adding to one another's stories, but as it is, I think I will tell you the most memorable part for me. I am taking poetic license, though, and am telling it in my own words:

Jesus is taken into custody and is taken into a big building where the chief priests and religious leaders are gathered.  The door is left wide open, and there remains a view of the courtyard outside, a fire blazing in the center to keep away the cold from the surrounding night.  Through the gates of the courtyard, a figure slips silently.  Keeping an eye on the proceedings inside the building, he approaches the fire to keep warm.  He wants to see, no, needs to see what happens.  His heart is beating and his hands, despite being so close to the flames, are ice cold.  He is startled when he hears a voice next to him.  "Hey, weren't you with that guy up there?"  Heart pounding in his chest, he denies it.  The person shrugs and walks away.  His breath calms, he is safe.  He looks up again at the building.  It is far enough away that he can't hear anything, but he sees the anger in the priests' faces, and he sees how tall Jesus is standing, despite their accusations.  "Hey!"  a voice sounds next to him. "You were with that Galilean weren't you?"  "No!"  you whisper fiercely   The person walks away, looking back at you with questions in his eyes. Still a little nervous, he looks up toward the building.  The religious leaders look even angrier than before, shaking fingers in Jesus' face.  "You!  I know you!" he hears from behind him.  "You totally look like a Galilean!  You are one of His followers, aren't you!"  He turns to look at the person behind him.  He is going to be found out!  "I don't know what you are talking about!  I don't know Him!"  And then, he hears a rooster crow.  Suddenly he remembers the conversation of mere hours before, and he turns and looks toward the building, only to find Jesus staring straight at him.

There are no words.

Jesus knew.

He knew.

And although he knew it would happen, but he couldn't have heard those conversations happening in the courtyard.  He heard the rooster though, and that had been enough.

Maybe Jesus was wishing it wouldn't happen.  Hoping against hope that Peter heard what He had said, and changed the course of history.  If this could change, maybe other things could change too?  Maybe there was another way.  But still, he knew.  He knew Peter, His Peter, would deny him.  On top of the silence he received from God, and the accusations thrown in his face, and the desertion of his friends, and the betrayal of Judas, now Peter...

Blow out a candle.

Consider the great darkness of his journey. Write out some of your own feelings.

What heartbreak.  Piles and piles of heartbreak.  But still, he stood and faced his accusers.  Still he chose to follow this path.

Thank God.

Blow out the rest of the candles and sit is silence and darkness for a few moments.

Sing: 
Oh God We call
Oh God, we call. 
From deep inside we yearn…
From deep inside we yearn…
From deep inside we yearn…for you.
. . . for you.

Holy Week part 2

Tuesday, March 26th
– Healing 

Offering prayers and intercessions on behalf of those who need healing

Read Mark 7:31-37
Jesus heals the deaf and mute man by sticking his fingers in the man's ears and saying "be opened" and then spitting and touching his tongue.  He also tells them all not to tell anyone, but they don't listen.

Write out a list of people who are hurting or sick. Spend some time praying for them. Try drawing or writing our your prayers together.

I think this list might be private.  Some people don't want all of the internet to know their problems.  Especially since many of the people on my list would be children I know...

But, my God, as I compile this list in my head, I realize it goes on and on.  We are all broken.  We are a broken people and we need your healing touch.  If, however, like the man lame from birth, we are meant to live with these hurts so that Your glory can be revealed, give us strength.  Walk with us and help us carry what we feel we cannot.  Help us see through our own grief and pain and look forward into your brilliant and glorious light.


Queries:
Who do you know that are hurting?
again, private

How can you be peace and grace to them?
listening ear, warm arms, praying heart



PS--I originally started this thread on e-mail, but no one responded, so I thought I might be bugging people.  I encourage people to reply and add their own perspectives, thoughts, wisdom to these posts.  This medium is fine for getting my thoughts out of my head, but it is not very useful for growth if people don't add to and stretch my understanding.  I want to be stretched, so I never get tempted to put my GOD in a box, neatly folded, and figured out.

Holy Week part 1

So, at church they gave us a pamphlet to help us reflect on Christ this week (Holy Week).  They said it was meant to be done in community, so I am re-posting today's entry, and am adding in my reflection.  I encourage you to reply all and add to this conversation.  If you would rather be left off of this, that is ok too.  Just let me know and I can take you off the list.  I am going to try to do this each day this week (since they have a whole week's worth of reflections).  

--Jess

Monday, March 25th

– Thanksgiving

 

Giving Thanks for Jesus

Read through your favorite stories about Jesus in the gospels. Some suggestions: Luke 5:17-26; Luke 15; Matthew 8:23-27…

some of my favorite stories: Jesus walks on water (Matthew 14:22-23, ) , Jesus heals the man born blind (John 9)

Take some time to remember who Jesus was, and what he did. Try lighting a candle while you read, as a way of picturing Christ being present.

Queries:

What’s your favorite thing about Jesus?

He healed the broken, regardless of how misguided or lost they were.  He gave forgiveness and healed them.  He wasn't afraid to be himself.  He spoke truth to power and gave others the strength to do so too.

Which story do you like the most? Why?

Probably my favorite is the one about the man born blind.  So much happens in this story in John 9.  Jesus challenges a long-held belief that misfortunes/infirmities come because of sin.  Jesus says that those misfortunes/infirmities are there so that God's work can be seen in the world. Then he works his miracle.  It is different then other miracles though.  Instead of just saying "be healed"  he uses mud and his own saliva, and then commands that the man wash in a pool.  God's miracles don't always happen the way we expect them to.  Afterwards, the Pharisees don't understand what could have happened.  They ask and they interrogate, but they can't figure it out. (I love that whole exchange--the man gets pretty snotty with them.) The man doesn't care that they can't figure it out, because he knows all he needs to know, and when he encounters Jesus again, his spiritual eyes are opened and he can truly SEE.  

Spend some time in prayer, thanking God for Jesus.

the good and the gross

Well, it is the first official day of Spring Break.  Monday.  I think I did pretty well for a Monday.

1. Woke up at 7:30 (that means I slept in two extra hours people!!!! That is impressive)
2. Got up at 8 ish
3. Went to go work out (on a day off, I should get mad props!!!)
4. Went to school (I know, I know, but a parent requested homework because the kid is going to be gone the week after spring break.  What can you do???)
5. Went home and cleaned the bathtub (oh sooooooo gross!) and the toilets (not nearly as gross!)
6.  Planted Gladiolas and Columbine in pots and added them to my front porch garden.
7. Did laundry (mostly just the sheets, myriad of winter-time blankets that need to be put back in the closet, oh, and the shower curtain)
8. Started dinner (the sauce tastes best if it cooks for a while)
9. Watched the first episode of Alias on Netflix and worked on my crocheting
10. Cleaned the trunk of my car
--this last one deserves the most time.  SOOOOOO, I have been noticing a gross moldy-like smell eminating from the trunk whenenver I open it, but there isn't a lot in the trunk.  Moving things around, I found two slightly moldy areas, and I bought some carpet cleaner to clean it with (that was months ago) but I needed to wait until it was dry-ish outside to clean it out because, hello, no garage.  So I decided that today was the day.  I began by getting everything out of the trunk (two grocery sacks full of other grocery sacks, jumper cables, a small toolbox) then I began the carpet cleaning.  One spot was really easy.  Then I got to the other spot, and it was wet.  I mean, wet, and the carpeting around it was wet.  SOAKED.  Like 1 1/2 foot square area.  It was gross.  So I pulled the carpet out and began drying the trunk itself.  Then I noticed the wheel well for the spare tire.  I took the board off the well and looked into it.  There was at least 1 (maybe 2) inches of standing water under the spare tire.  So I had to pull the spare tire out.  Luckily, there was a plug in the bottom of the well (apparently the manufacturers were ready for something like this to happen) and I could unplug it to get rid of most of the water.  I used paper towels for the rest and I sat outside reading (Patricia Briggs, The Hob's Bargain) while the trunk dried the rest of the way.  I also squeezed as much moisture as I could from the rug and had it hang for a while during the trunk's drying time.  I brought the rug inside the house to continue drying and closed up the trunk.  Now I have to figure out where the water is coming from and see if it is an easy fix.
11.  Wrote in my blog.

Now you are up-to-date :)

--me

Twitter

so, I joined twitter.

Probably the most fannish move I've made, mostly because I just joined it so I could follow updates on TLBD (The Lizzie Bennet Diaries) and their upcoming projects with Pemberly Digital (Sandition!!!!!! AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHAAAAAA!)

But I did join, for any of you out there who read this and use twitter

I am TessenBaker

I know, apparently I bake Tessens.

ah well, my family is in for it now

I shall commence the baking spree !!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAHHAHAHAA!

Ok, I think I am done.

I think.

now who else could I follow on Twitter?

I wonder if Emma Swan has a twitter account?  Or Henry????  Henry is more likely, don't you think... I shall have to look into this...

The End

AAAHHHHHAAHAHAHAH

Ok, I am really not sure who reads this, but OMGOONDESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  LIZZIE BENNETT DIARIES AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

soooooooo AMAZING!

AHHHHH!

Sorry, I have no words.  Just the little hiccup in my heart area that says YYYYYEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSsss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111

just had to get that out there...

PS  if they EVER sell this on DVD, I want it!
NoW!

--me

Of Murder, Mystery, and Magic

I had the best birthday party ever, last night.  It was amazing!!!!  So my dear friend Trout threw me a Murder Mystery dinner birthday party.  And I found out almost EVERYTHING!  On top of that, I got to be an outrageous flirt and was the reincarnation of an ancient Egyptian Queen who was trying to keep her husband (the evil Pharaoh  from coming back to life and taking over the world.  I was POSESSED!!!!  And I got to faint, twice!  SOOOOOOOOO FUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Then, at the end, they sang me Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star for my birthday song!!!!11  It was beautiful!!!!

SOOOOOO HAPPY!!!!!

30, here I come!!!

(P.S. My friends are amazing, esp. Trout, who was packing up her apartment during the planning process, and moved and cleaned her apartment the day before!)