Opening the Heart

About how love and kindness changes lives and brings people back from the brink.

I am always pleasantly surprised about how many smiles I can find out in the world.  I see someone in a car, driving past, and pass them a smile, and I would say at least 3/4 of the time, they pass a smile back.  I know that when I am having a hard day, and cannot find my smile, many times a stranger will do some little thing (stop and let me in when driving, let me walk across the street when walking, etc.) that will put that smile back on my face.

I don't have any stories about bringing people back from the brink--not from my own experience--if any of you do, please share...

On another note, my baby slept pretty well last night and I feel pretty good too :)

a little about me.

So, I have a confession, and I only feel ready to share it here because I believe God spoke to it last night.

First off, I need to say that now that I am a parent, I have very strong opinions about what I don't want to be.  I have had quite a few example of abuse, and I don't want my child to fear me.  That being said, I haven't been getting much sleep lately, and my beautiful, wonderful daughter has been taking a lot out of me.  So much so that there have been times I have been so frustrated that I have involuntarily imagined doing things about it.  Yesterday I saw myself hitting her in my mind's eye.  I was feeding her at the time, and she was pulling at me, and crying, and I was frustrated.  I have a lot of work to do for school, and around the house, and she is taking up SO MUCH TIME...and I know that is the nature of children, but yesterday...I don't know what it was, considering yesterday wasn't even the worst day this week...but it has been a very hard week for me.

So, I am feeding her, and she is hurting me, and in my mind I see myself hitting her.  My two-month-old baby.  Who does that?  Who even thinks about hurting a little thing that wouldn't even be able to understand WHY.  And I was afraid.  Because I have been in the shoes of that child, and I DO NOT want her to go through that.  And I cried out to God.  

I snuggled that baby close to my and I cried out.  I told God to take it out of me...the anger, the...everything icky that would cause me to even entertain the thought of hurting my baby.  I cried and held her close to me.

And I felt some relief

And then, last night, she slept.

I mean, she slept for 7 hours straight.

I got up twice to check on her and make sure she wasn't dead, because she NEVER sleeps that long, and recently she has only been sleeping for an hour or two at a time.

She slept, and I slept too.  I only slept for about 5 hours, since that is what my body is used to getting now...but that is 5 consecutive hours of sleep.  She woke up around 4 to eat, and then I put her back down at 4:30 and I got another 1/2 hour of sleep on top of that!

THANK YOU GOD!

I believe that my past will not go away, ever, but I also believe that God has risen me up beyond my past, and will continue to lift me beyond it.  With Him on my side, I will overcome, and I will not continue this cycle.

It ends here.

Chapter 10: to notice the beauty in others

Yesterday's post was supposed to go out yesterday, but it wouldn't let me post for some reason, so two are going out today.

Big quote today, but it is because it is exactly what I would say:
"If we were more willing to see the good and beautiful things that surround us (instead of focusing on the negative), we would be able to transform our families.  From there we would change our next-door-neighbors and then others who live in our neighborhood or city.  We would be able to bring peace and love to the world, which hungers so much for these things.

I believe that the heart and mind of the world are truly changed, not by those in power, but by those in relationship.  If we focus on bringing life and light to those next to us, we can change the world.  

That is what I believe...take that as you will...I AM a self-proclaimed romantic....

Chapter 9: Giving Freely

The idea is that God gives freely, so we, too, should give freely...
Also, on the idea that giving to the poor without making them work for it spoils them...
1.  God gives to us without us having to work for it.
2. Many places give to the rich without making them work for it...they receive special treatment simply because they are rich
--shouldn't the poor be just as important as we are, or the rich are?

I agree, and kind of don't... Giving to charity, helping people who need help is important...but at the same time we don't want to enable destructive behavior.  How am I to tell the difference between the people who really need help and the people who want to take advantage of the system...

I can't always...but I think that helping those who need help is more important than making sure people tow the line and don't take advantage of me.  If I can tell the difference, great!  But if not, I think it is better to give and be taken advantage of, than to not give and allow someone to go on suffering in need.

Chapter 8--The distressing disguise of suffering

"You saw the priest during the Mass, with what love and what delicate care he touched the body of Christ.  Make sure you do the same thing when you get to the home, because Jesus is there in a distressing disguise"

Touch the body of Christ--with love and delicate care.

The ones who hurt, who are dirty, homeless, hopeless...

The ones who long for comfort, for love...

The children I see every day, some who aren't sure if their siblings will be going to jail again, who wonder if their parents will drink again today  who wonder if their mother really loves them or why their father left, who live with the weight of the world on their shoulders at the age of 9...

"Jesus is there in a distressing disguise"...

Chapter ? --Remember the small things

The book doesn't actually have chapter titles, so I don't know what chapter I am on.
Remember the small things
It was a beautiful story of a man who had a filthy house.  No one ever came to visit him, so he saw no need to clean or take care of himself.  Mother T. found a lamp in his house and he said he never lit the lamp because no one ever comes to see him.  She negotiated that he light the lamp each night if the Sisters who lived near him came and visited.
It was a small thing, she said, and she forgot about him with all the other things in her life, but two years later he sent her a message: "Please tell my friend that the light she lit in my life continues to shine still."

Never forget to sow kindness to those around you
sometimes the smallest things to you, have a huge effect for someone else.


I will try to remember this today.

taking another break

I know, I know, what is up with this girl?  She says she is going to start doing devotions in the morning and then she takes all these breaks.  Well, devotions take time, and in about 10 minutes I am going to get my baby up for a long, liesurly, morning feeding.

You see, what happened is that I fed her the formula yesterday (Gerber soothe) and she didn't want it, and she didn't even eat an ounce of it.  Afterwards she quickly fell asleep, and when I tried to feed her an hour and a half later, around lunch time, she threw up all over me.  She ate two smaller meals later in the afternoon just fine, but when I fed her before bed, she ate a lot and then threw it all up again, so I have only been letting her eat a little bit at a time all night.  She is probably super hungry now.  So, I am going to finish my breakfast, pack our bags and load them in the car, then go get her and try to not make her throw up again.

Also, time to find a different type of formula.

--Me

Chapter 6: on Sacrifice

Mother Teresa, here, is talking about how one of the foundations of Christianity is sacrifice.  First the Jewish people sacrificed animals to atone for their sins, then Jesus offered himself up as the final, living, sacrifice.  After that time, we must continue to give because love, as she said, must cost, must hurt, must empty ourselves of self in order to be real love.  She also says: "The words of Jesus, 'Love one another as I have loved you,' must be not only a light for us, but a flame that consumes the self in us."

I think I can say, with all honesty, that I don't think I have ever lived out the idea of sacrifice that she has (it must hurt--must empty us of self) until I became a parent.  I know, even to me this sounds cliche.  It may be, but it is also true.

I am tired...exhausted...frustrated...
and yet
I still get up every two to three hours to feed my baby.
I cry I am so tired
but I do it
and I only begrudge her a little...until I watch her sleepy face eat as her body curls up into a little ball on my lap, and I still cry from exhaustion, but also from love.

Man, and what strength of faith and character must Mother Teresa have had to go out of her way to serve as she did.  Because honestly, if she weren't so helpless, I think I would probably stay in bed and let V. fend for herself at this point.

That is all just to say that WILLING and JOYFUL sacrifice, I am still working on...

Another break

I have a good reason though...

Vivian got shots yesterday...4 of them.  She was screaming off and on during the night.  She is asleep now, but her normal feed time, based on when I last fed her, was 50 minutes ago.  She is sleeping longer just because she is cuddling with her Daddy right now, but she is going to wake up angry any minute and I don't want to be in the middle of something when I have to go get her.

However, you could pray for me, oh you multitude that read this.

I am exhausted.  Her daddy sprained his wrist and can't pick her up, so I am doing all the night feedings, plus she didn't want to sleep last night very much at all.

Pray that God gives me energy, and that tonight God gives me sleep.

--me

Chapter 5: on Generosity

To start out with, I think I will give an example of generosity I witnessed this last week.  My husband took all the feedings Friday night.  All of them.  All.

I got about 9 hours of sleep Friday night!  It was amazing!  I wasn't at all tired Saturday, and even though I ended up having to take all the night feedings Saturday night (because he sprained his wrist and can't pick up the baby now), I wasn't really tired on Sunday either!

That is generosity!

"There are many people who can do big things, but there are very few people who will do the small things."
This is about giving.  More than giving THINGS though, it is about giving care, love, time to others.   Again she talks about the horrible plight of feeling unloved and unwanted, and how it is those with a generous heart, that seek to heal the hurt in those who feel like the world has shunned and despised them.

Whenever I would ask my dad if I could do something or go somewhere, he would normally say yes as long as it didn't cost him much time or effort, but if I asked him to drive me somewhere, most of the time he would say no.  He would site his selfish nature and that would be that.

I think, though, that everyone has a selfish nature.  It comes from the years in our lives when we believed the world revolved around us.  That feeling, I believe, never quite goes away.  However, there are many who choose to fight the selfish nature inside themselves.  Those who, the minute they notice that nature rearing its head, immediately go out and do something unselfish in order to beat their selfishness into submission.

There are also those who are more subtle about it, of course...and probably those who have shunned selfishness for so long, that selflessness becomes second-nature.

All of this is to say that I know I am a selfish being, and it takes world to beat that selfishness into submission, and some times I don't even try, because it is too easy to be selfish, and I am tired.  However, most of the time I do try, in little ways, to give my time, my energy, my love to others, even when I feel like doing nothing more than crawling into bed with a book and not leaving for a week.

What small acts of selflessness do others do in order to beat back their selfish natures?

a short break

Today I simply reflect on God in my life.  I need a slight attitude adjustment.  I blame the exhaustion.

Yesterday after I got to school, V. threw up on me, then my co-worker called to say she was running late, and then when I texted my husband to see if he could bring me something on his way to work, he let me know he wasn't feeling good (he stayed up late playing games with his friends) and he was staying home and sleeping, but that he could bring me what I needed.  He brought it, and then proceeded to sleep until 1 in the afternoon.

Do I ever get that luxury?

No.

I guess more than anything, I feel jealous.  I can't sleep in because V. needs to be fed and I haven't had time to pump so I have very little milk on hand and it is possible that the formula is what is making her vomit... so it has to be me.  I am so very tired.

Also, tomorrow is fuschia Saturday at Fred Meyer, and I am not sure if I can go, or where I would put a fuschia if I went, or if I knew where I wanted it, when I would have time to put it there.

TIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

So, if anyone reads this, pray for me
pray for my attitude
that my eyes open and I am filled with renewed life that comes only from HIM

Chapter 4: on contemplation

Currently I can't even imagine contemplating.  It is 5:40 am and my husband is trying to feed my crying baby.  Any minute now I am sure he is going to give up and try to give her to me, since I am awake and he still has sleeping to do.  He might not though.  We shall see.  On to contemplating

Perfect.  I think this first part is perfect for my mood right now, so I shall share it word-for-word: "Seeking the face of God in everything, everyone, everywhere, all the time, and seeing His hand in every happening--that is contemplation in the heart of the world."  

and the rest of it is summed up in her final lines: "To me, contemplation is not to be shut up in a dark place, but to allow Jesus to live His passion, love, and humility in us, praying with us, being with us, sanctifying through us."

As my baby's cries subside, and I finish this chapter, I reflect:

Contemplation, for me, has always meant something similar to the Quaker's open worship, or time of silence.  I am supposed to clear my mind and abide in Him or in His word.  I can't do it.  I might be able to some day, but for now, I am lucky if I can clear my mind for one minute.  SOMETHING always comes in and derails my contemplation.  However, I think I can get behind Mother Teresa's idea of contemplation.

To her, it sounds like, contemplation is found in action, in living in the world and finding that of God in it.  I can do that.  Some days I don't stop to reflect, but when I do, I am surrounded by God every day in : the students I teach, my endlessly supportive co-worker, parents who volunteer time and supplies without asking for anything in return, my husband who deals with a crying baby during his sleepy time while I am awake and getting ready for the day, family, and of course, the world outside, where currently flowers are blooming and trees are leafing out.

"but to allow Jesus to live His passion, love, and humility in us, praying with us, being with us, sanctifying through us"

I will say though, that while some days I feel equal to allowing Jesus to live his passion and love in me, other days I am more realistic.

I am a person who cares... a lot... about everything.  You know the saying "break my heart for what breaks yours"?  That is a frightening phrase for me, because there are thousands of things, more, that breaks God's heart, and each time I hear about one, if I let myself, I feel it.  It breaks me.  There is so much hurting in the world and I know it, and if I allow myself to let it all in, I feel it...All of it.  I am not sure if others out there understand what that actually means, but the result is, that I have to be picky about what I let in, because otherwise I would walk around crying ALL THE TIME, and I mean it.

So, allowing God to fully live out His passion and love in me is a scary prospect, and one I don't think I am quite ready for yet.  Maybe one day, after I figure out balance a little more, but until then, I pray God lives out SOME of his passion and love in me, and that I am able to see Him in this world in which we live.

Chapter 3: on Joy

"The joy of the Lord is our Strength"

She says joy is a natural outcome of a life spent in loving others.  That from love, joy flows.

She says joy is the "token of the generous personality" and that he or she is like the sun in his/her community.

She also says that true love is love that causes us pain, yet brings joy.


I think I can say that I have always been a generally happy person, but I have not always been a joyful person.  Happiness is contingent upon our feelings and emotions, and although I can often talk myself into being happy about something, it is different than joy.

Joy is eternal and doesn't change with the circumstances.  Joy can exist even when we are at our lowest, I believe, because it springs from faith.  If I believe with all of me that this will pass and that God will bring me out of this in victory, then even when I am broken, I can cling to joy, and it will buoy me up.

That being said, I do think that there are times when I have joy, and times when I don't.  (I know, I said it was eternal...)  I think I have joy more than I used to, and I lay the reasoning for that on an increase of faith.  When I am at a low point, I often remember that He pulled me out of the last one, and the one before that, and therefore I know He will do the same for this one.  The main thing that gets in my way tends to be my impatience.  "Ok God, I know you will pull me through this.  Can't you do it now?"

I guess that is my next big hurdle.

Chapter 2: On Silence

"In the silence of the heart, God speaks."

She says: In order to make inner silence possible, practice silence of the eyes, ears, tongue, mind, and heart.


Eyes: by seeking the beauty of God everywhere  and close them to all that is sinful
Ears: by listening to the voice of God and the cry of the poor, and close them to gossip and uncharitable words.
Tongue: praising God and speaking life-giving Truth, and refrain from self-defense and words that cause turmoil and pain
Mind: Opening to God in prayer and contemplation, and closing it to untruths, destructive thoughts and suspicions of others.
Heart: Loving God with all our Heart, Soul, Mind, Strength and loving others as God loves, while avoiding selfishness, hatred and greed

Finding silence is hard for me, and by hard, I mean near to impossible.  I have a baby.

She is adorable, 2 months old and full of joy (and yelling).  I have very few moments of peace.  When she is asleep, there are things I need to get done (it just happens when you have a house, and run a school).  When she is awake there are things I need to get done, but she is more important, so many things don't get done, or get done late.  That's ok and normal (although most days it frustrates me to no end).  She is supposed to take priority, and she does, but silence... who has the time?

I guess, for me, I tend to go and go and go until I can go no further without the silence, and it is those moments when I am at my wits-end and the baby is crying and I have thousands of things to do that I hold her tight, and cry and my mind, so full, suddenly dumps everything and I become empty, holding her, rocking her, crying, I become empty, and it is in those moments there is room in me, for God to fill me.

Would that I could find a way to bring myself to the silence some other way.  It would be ever so much more pleasant.  I try, but even now, when she is asleep with Daddy and I am having my quiet time, my mind cannot still.  I am thinking about what to type, that I need to pump before I wake her up, that I need to load the car before I get her so I am not loading the car while she is angry in the car seat, that when I get to school I need to enter grades (if she will let me) before the kids come....  

So, until then, until I find a way to empty purposefully, I suppose this is how I find silence...and I suppose that is enough for now.

In the Heart of the World

I am trying to spend some time with God each day.  I picked up a book at Goodwill that may help me in my endeavor.  it is Mother Teresa, In the Heart of the World.  I can't find my journal, where I normally write my reflections, so I am going to write here.  

Man, one chapter is full of so much...  The first chapter was on compassion.  It is broken into four sections.l   Smile, suffering, actions, and love.  

Smile is about spreading the love of and peace of God through smiles.  She says to smile five times a day at people we don't feel like smiling at to sow the peace of God.  

Suffering is about how so many people are suffering, and suffering from hunger, and homelessness, but that the worst suffering is the suffering of the unwanted.  That people are suffering from loneliness because the world runs at such a fast pace that their are people who can't keep up, who fall down and get left behind.  These are the people we must love.  She says we have to have the courage to accept people as they are, even when they can't keep up, because "the life-giving sap that flows from the vine to each of the branches is the same."  

Actions is about loving people through our actions.  It sites the story in the Bible where Jesus feeds the multitude with the fish and the loaves.  She talks about how God filled their physical needs before he tried teaching them and filling their spiritual needs.  He cared about both, not just about preaching to people.  

The final section is one sentence long: "In loving one another through our works, we bring an increase of grace and a growth in divine love."

I think this chapter spoke to me in a couple of ways:

1. I already smile at people a lot, and often I smile at people I don't feel like smiling at, but I could do that more.  Sometimes I get frustrated at people, but often it is when I am in a hurry and forget that other people have places to be and things to do as well.  Most of the time my uncharitable thoughts stem from a selfish impatience with others.  I can work on that...

2. Some people are lonely.  MT says that she believes that the greatest suffering is loneliness, feeling unloved and just having no one.  Sometimes I feel lonely, but there is a difference.  Some people are really, truly, alone, and if I know that, if I believe it, that changes my lonely, but it also spurs me, in my own ministry, to teach kids to embrace those who have no one else.  To teach kids to love those who are different and don't have the same things in common with them.  I need to teach these kids how to truly love.

3. Sometimes it is hard for me when people talk about their ministries, because it often makes me feel like I am not doing anything with my life to serve God.  I don't go to soup kitchens or give out blankets to the homeless, I don't go to other countries, and I don't give to tons of charities.  I am a teacher, and sometimes I feel like my occupation just isn't enough. But, then I remember that my act of service doesn't HAVE to look like everyone else's, it just has to be service, and that is enough for God

and in the end, it is what He thinks that matters.