A wonderful mother

I have a friend.  She is a momma of 2 wonderful girls (who are sometimes not wonderful:).  And I am pregnant.  In about 5 months, I am going to be a momma too.  You would think that, in talking to my friend, I feel relief, peace, joy.  When I tell her my fears, you would think, since she has been there, and is there now, that she would have words of wisdom to ease (not erase) those fears.  She does.  She has those words, somewhere, but those aren't the words she gives me.

When I re-live my childhood, remembering that we learn parenting from our parents...When I reflect on my own impatient, selfish nature, knowing that those aren't the best traits when you have someone small depending on you...She gives me words.  But those words don't comfort me.  They don't relieve me.

I think they would, if the words she gave acknowledged my faults and my foibles.  I think they would if they allowed me to be ME in the midst of being MOM.  But they don't.

Her words tell me that I will be a wonderful mother.  They tell me I will be patient and kind.  They tell me that I will set healthy boundaries without pushing my children too far.  They tell me that once I hold that child in my arms, my inherent selfishness will be washed away for love of that child.  They tell me a lot of wonderful things.  Hopeful things.

But they don't ease me.  They are not what I need.

I need someone to tell me that I am going to mess up, but that it is ok.
I need someone to tell me that I WILL lose my patience and yell, but that my child will forgive me if I do.
I need someone to tell me that I will CONSTANTLY war within myself (and with my husband) about where REASONABLE boundaries are.
I need someone to tell me that I will have moments of selfishness, but also moments of reckless abandon.
And through it all
through all of my failures
and my successes
my mistakes
and good decisions
I will be
a wonderful mother.

Something I wrote last week:

Experiencing Creation

I call him Monster.

My Monster.

He may not be a he.

He may be a she, but I won’t know for a few more weeks.

Monster,

the weird alien growing inside me

Just a few months ago there was nothing;

now there is something

Someone….

            Someone IN there

Someone with tiny nails on tiny fingers

            on tiny hands

Someone whose three inch body looks more and more

like a SOMEONE each day

and less like a monster

Someone is there

            That Someone…

Sometimes I feel sick-ish

as if the monster is unhappy

but sometimes that monster is appeased

when I sing

And sometimes, when I ache, or feel gross

I call

“Monster, stop that!”

and my little three inch monster

never listens.

            Stubborn, like dad…

I call him Monster,

and I joke

            and there are even moments I forget

there is SOMEONE in there.

 Yesterday…

            Yesterday…

                        Yesterday the doctor

put a cold metal wand on my greased belly

and said “Listen.”

            And I listened

                        And Somewhere underneath

my beating heart

            Someone’s heart pounded

like a racehorse

            Fierce

                        ALIVE

Somewhere beneath my beating heart

Someone’s heart answered

            And I listened.

A letter to my Monster

Dear Monster,
I listened to you today.  I heard your tiny heart beating fast and steady like you were running a race.  I listened.  You were amazing.  Just you.  All you had to do was BE, and I loved you.  I had already loved you, but darling, that love is surprising, because it just keeps getting bigger, and my heart feels like it will burst from the pressure, but it never does.  I am so proud of you and your little heart.  My little Monster.  Our little Monster.  Even though you may never read these words, they are out there, broken into tiny ones and zeros and floating through tubes and channels the likes of which I will never understand.  Just BE, my darling, I will listen.

Love
Your Momma

Quick update

I feel gross.
Not revolting
Just generally icky.

If you don't want to know more, then stop reading here, because what follows is a pouting session:

ARRRGGGG I just want to feel normal-ish.  I know, it wasn't long ago when I was wondering if I was normal, since I didn't really FEEL pregnant.  Foolish me.  FOOLISH FOOLISH ME!
I feel gross.

I wake up and I feel fine, but the minute I start moving around, the monster demands to be fed.  It can't even wait until I am out of the shower either.  If I wait too long before feeding time, it makes my tummy feel so bad I feel like puking... which isn't very smart of it, considering that when I feel like puking, I just want to lay down and in no way feel like putting something INSIDE my stomach/the angry volcano.

Also, if I eat an ENTIRE bagel, apparently that is TOO MUCH food all at once, and it gets angry AGAIN!  Then for an hour or so I feel entirely disgusting, which is worse than icky but not as bad as revolting.    Then, an hour after that I am suddenly STARVING again.

For two days, about a week ago, I felt sick absolutely all day, and I haven't felt that way again (thank goodness).  Now just about every other hour I feel fine, and the rest of the time I feel gross.  I have not thrown up or anything, but sometimes I wish I would just vomit and get it over with.

I had an interesting conversation with my man the other day about vomit... speaking of... it turns out that there are people who would rather feel absolutely revolting for days rather than vomit and get it all over with.  Like, he hates throwing up so much that if he had the choice of throwing up and feeling better, or feeling horrible for days and not throwing up,  he would rather feel HORRIBLE for days.  I didn't even know that people like that existed.  I would much rather throw up and get it over with...

Any way.  I feel gross.  And I have packing to do.  and shopping, and.......  I just want to curl up in a little gross ball and tell the world to go away...

They say it gets better.

We shall see :)

A (somewhat) long time coming

For posterity (if this lasts that long) I am going to write some stuff here so I remember (and just in case future mothers want to know)

1. I am pregnant.  It took about 11 months of trying, but what actually worked was ...hmm, I did write it down, but then I remembered some of the people who might read this blog.. so I erased it.  .I didn't think Jeremy would like me saying this to the internet, so if you REALLY want to know (and don't just want to embarrass my husband) just ask me.

If you actually want to know more, keep reading.  If not, you should stop here....

Ok, you asked for it

2. First sign: Implantation spotting.  Two or three tiny drops of blood between periods.  I thought it was weird, but I had been hyper-sensitive about everything, so I decided to ignore it.

3. Second sign: weird aches.  my lower, front side, left or right but not both at the same time.  Not sharp pain, and not quite like cramps.  It was weird.

4. Third sign: Smell sensitivity.  I got into someone's car and smelled an overwhelming scent of peanut butter...it made me want to puke (but I didn't).  No one else smelled peanut butter.

5. I was about to take off on a 4 day field trip and I get car sick (really bad).  I had found some motion sickness medicine that worked really well for me, but I wanted to be 100% sure I wasn't pregnant before I took it.  The night before the trip, I took a pregnancy test.  It was positive.  I didn't believe it.  The next morning I took 2 more.  (one the same brand, then I thought I should try a different brand).  They both said positive.

6. I didn't get sick any of the 4 days we were on the trip, and we drove a lot.  This is a miracle!  Also, I was supposed to get my period during this trip, and had been praying that it came before or after... I guess God decided on after... much after.

7.  When I got back from my trip, I took the last pregnancy test (since they had come in sets of two, and if I was pregnant, I doubt it would last the years it would take for another one) and it was positive.

8.  I have noticed getting tired more easily, just a little though.  Also, hot flashes.  I felt a little icky in my stomach today around 4pm.  Teeth sensitivity.  That was one I didn't expect.  Also, the hot flashes were surprising.  No breast tenderness though.  And I don't have to pee any MORE often than normal... (yet, thank goodness...)

Any questions?  Post them in the comments.

Just thinking

This is just me taking 10 minutes to get what I am thinking out into the open air.  I just have so many thoughts tumbling around in my head, sometimes it helps to get them out of there, and I am a faster typer than I am a hand-writer.

So Jeremy and I are contemplating putting down an offer on a house.  This house is gorgeous.  I mean, wow!  But, it is expensive.  I mean, all houses are expensive, and it isn't like, a million-dollar home or anything.  It is, however, on the outside range of what we were willing to pay (per month).  Now, this wouldn't be a big problem if Jeremy gets a better job, but when you are first hired on, your position is more tenuous than if you had been there for a while. He is nervous (I think) and that makes me nervous.

I have always been a "jump in with both feet" kind of girl.  I think things through, but when I have made a decision, I jump.  Jeremy and I had talked about our finances, and because I thought the thinking time was over, I saw something I REALLY liked, within our limitations, and I was ready to jump.

I am so grateful for Jeremy, who has the wisdom to take a second look at things, or sometimes a third or fourth look at things.  Honestly, sometimes when I jump, things turn out great, but sometimes, I end up frenching a gross stranger in a dingy bar in Anchorage.

Right now I am taking a second look at our decision.  We haven't put down the offer yet.  We were going to last night, but something came up with the listing and we couldn't.  That gave Jeremy the cool-down time to start thinking again, which got me thinking again.  At first I thought that if God wanted us there, He would open the door to us, and if He didn't, then the house would cease to be available.  Now I am thinking that it is possible that God placed that small obstacle in our path so that we would take a second look at the road ahead.

I am afraid that we SHOULDN'T get the house.  Because I WANT it.

Don't you hate it when wisdom and desires come in conflict.  Now I have to choose which one wins, and, sadly (for my heart) I am leaning towards wisdom...

My devotional today

So lately, I have been thinking about Dietrich Bonhoeffer.  If you don't know who he is, I am sure Wikipedia would be happy to tell you.  He was an amazing man, though, and honesty wrestled with some serious faith issues he came across.  Because of that honesty, and his leading to bravely face his confusion head-on, I greatly respect and admire him.  So, when I found this devotional (A 40 Day Journey with Dietrich Bonhoeffer)  I was excited.  I began reading somewhere in the middle, and I skipped around (missing days here and there).  Today, though, I decided to go back to the first day of the devotional.

It spoke to me.  It didn't give me ANY answers, but it spoke to me nonetheless, and I though I might share it with you.

Keep praying.

--Me