Authenticity

I know it is a little early for this, as it isn't the beginning of the week yet, but I thought that this would be a good one to get started with, and to spend a little more time on.

Authenticity: (Dictionary.com: not false or copied; genuine; real:)


(I saw this at Ephesus in Turkey...  I have a picture somewhere but I got this picture from https://www.flickr.com/photos/21977945@N02/3765914738/)

Man I wish I could just post the whole thing here, but here is a piece of it.  It talked about how Jesus, when referring to Nathaniel, spoke (John 1:47) "Here is truly an Israelite, in whom thee is nothing false."  and when Nathaniel asked how Jesus knew him, Jesus replied "I saw you while you were still under the fig tree, before Philip called you."  and this is what Stokes says:

"I saw you, Jesus' words imply, when you didn't know I was watching.  I saw you alone, with no one to impress, no image to maintain.  I saw the reality of your deepest soul.  You are who you claim to be."

In some ways I am who I claim to be.  In other ways I am not.

I am a mom
I am a teacher
I am an administrator
I am a counselor
I am a wife
I am a friend
I am a sister
I am a daughter
I am a co-worker
...and probably more

but more specifically:

I am a mom who doesn't spend enough time with her daughter, who gets super frustrated with a crying baby, and yet worries that there is no way in the world she could ever love another child as much as she loves her baby...so what kind of mom would that make her if she were to think of having another child???

I am a teacher who gets to school around 6:30 and leaves at 4 and still doesn't have time to plan or grade papers, and who falls so far short of being able to give a mere 14 students what they need.

I am an administrator who forgets to send out parent communications, forgets to plan parent meetings, forgets to meet with her co-worker, and falls short at getting All students up an running on Google Classrooms.

I am a counselor who attempts to counsel kids through things that she was never trained to counsel anyone through.  Who attempts to guide kids to a deeper understanding of God when I myself am not spending the time with God I should be...

I am a wife who fails miserably at speaking kindly to her husband.  Who gets frustrated and SHOWS IT rather than just asking nicely and reminding nicely because GOD FORBID he forget...because I NEVER forget right!!!? ??

I am a friend who is constantly asking and fails so many times to give.  Who wants others to listen, and fails to do the listening back.

I am a sister who barely speaks to her siblings.
I am a daughter who barely speaks to her parents
I am a co-worker who gets unreasonably frustrated when my co-worker is just as busy and feels just as trapped as I do.

But I am also Jessie.

I am Jessie

And I am not sure what that means... but what I want it to mean is...

I am a Teacher who doesn't give up, and continually strives to meet students needs
And
I am a Writer, who pours LIFE onto paper (or computer screens)
And
I am Karuk, who teaches my child about our family's history and culture
And
I am a Woman, who can be anything she wants to be
And
I am a Mother, who LOVES without failing
And
I am a Wife, who forgives, and understands, and is PATIENT :)

and maybe more... but at least that...

This is a little of what I hope to find in me this year.
Hello 2015.

So, it's been forever

Ok, not really forever, but months.  This is the first day of the new year.  1/1/15.  Last year (2014) was a year of challenge, change, and imbalance.  It was also the year my baby was born, which is part of the whole challenge, change and imbalance thing...  It was the year the school I helped start was recommended for Accreditation.  It was a year where I always felt NOT QUITE ENOUGH.  For anything.  Ever.

What happened to the faithful, planning, non-procrastinating, never-settling-for-second-best-ing, HAPPY, optimistic person I was?  Where have I gone?

I haven't been faithful with "Quite time" or "Devotions" or however you want to say "being purposeful about being close to God."

I haven't gotten hardly ANYTHING done in my yard, and the bulb planting season is WAYYY past.

My house is dirty... I actually rejoiced the day I had time to clean our three toilets (in December... and probably not since June before that...)

I have gained 30 ish pounds SINCE I GAVE BIRTH!  I can't even blame Vivian for them.  I gained next to nothing when I was pregnant with her!  I had to buy larger clothes so I don't look like I am a lumpy, disproportionate snowman-shaped person!  And I haven't had time to go work out for 2 months.  And (I have only gone, maybe 10 times since Vivian was born in February).

My students are behind where they should be in almost every subject, but I can't figure out how to speed them up without them missing something.  On top of that I just did 2 months worth of grading this last week, that is how long I have gone since grading their papers...

My baby, most days, only sees me for 4ish hours.  5 if you count the nap where she DOESN'T see me because she is ASLEEP.

I get frustrated about NOT BEING ENOUGH, and I end up coming unglued at my amazing husband for the least little thing (like when he asks me what I was thinking about for dinner.  I mean really...how could he be so demanding like that right!! right...)

So this year is going to be different.  I am going to figure SOMETHING out... I am going to try to find the ME in the mess and be okay with whatever ME I find.  To do this, I have decided to try to be intentional about doing some sort of "thing with God, ish thing..." and since time is something I am a little short on, it needs to be something quick.  Since I would like to be challenged, or have something to focus on or work toward, I don't want some touchy "God loves you" "Forgive yourself"  "God is all you need" sort of something.  I know all of those things...I don't feel them right now, but I know them, and I know that eventually God is going to come out with his "Listen to Me" Hammer and break down all the walls I have been building to try to keep everything balanced, but until then, I shall soldier on.

Since I can't find something that screams "This is what God wants you to study this year!"  I have gone back to an old favorite.  It is called Simple Words of Wisdom: 52 Virtues for Every Woman by Penelope J. Stokes.  I don't think the virtues themselves are gender specific, but the way it is written, the audience is definitely for women, mostly women with a spouse and children.  I haven't read it since I had Vivian, so maybe I will get something else for it.

If anyone can think of a study-ish-thingie that fits my requirements, by all means suggest away, but as it says I have only one follower, I am doubtful I am going to get much of a response in that vein.

Anyway, my goal is to write at least once a week about the virtue of the week, and how the last week's virtue went.  I know that I don't get many comments on here, but if you ever see me looking at thinks a little weirdly, or can think of different perspectives to give me, please don't be a stranger.  I am looking for the Me that I have lost, and it is very probable, that I can find parts of it in all of you. (sappy, I know, but that is also me :)

Too much stuff to do

I have too much to do.  So I do nothing...

I have done some of it...

I pretty much finished putting our new TV stand/cabinety thing together.
I created e-mail addresses for students (whose parents have turned in their enrollment info)
I started figuring out Google Classrooms

I need to weed my garden and take care of zombie plums and pears
I need to write some more stuff for our accreditation stuff
I need to get my classroom ready for school starting on Wednesday
I need to make copies
I need to sleep
I need to stop feeling so weighed down with STUFF...

my heart feels heavy again...and I hate it.

I want to curl up in my bed and cry...but I don't...I work, I write, I drink coke and sing loudly to make myself believe I am ok--I cuddle my baby (who either pushes me away "come on Mom, you're smothering me!" or sucks on my nose*kisses*)

and then I pull out the computer
and I work some more...

Update

Now this update might be cut off at any minute, because the baby is asleep, but I can't guarentee how long it will stay that way.  I just thought you should know a couple things:

1. She had really bad diarrhea last week and an ensuing horrible diaper rash
2. diarrhea is really hard to spell, and what is up with the spelling of diapers!
3. Her diarreah (sp) is almost gone, and I am pretty sure the rash has cleared up, but we are still putting stuff on it anyway.
4. We put her to bed at 10:30 last night.
5. She woke me up at 5:45 this morning to feed her
6. I put her back down a few minutes before 7, and she is still asleep half an hour later
7.  That means she slept for like 7 hours straight!!!!!
8. I can't think of anything else to say, but thought you all should know she is adorable. (If you look closely at her chin, you will smile)

My confession

I have a confession.  I am not positive I am using that word correctly though, and I know that somewhere out there, there might be some word police (you know who you are ;) and so you can change the word so "confession" to whatever the correct word is.

Anyway, I have a confession...it is not something that you hear adults say, really, and I have to admit that I am more than a little embarrassed by it, to say the least (which is why I call it a confession).

Yes, so my confession...Here it is...

I am afraid of the dark.

I am, or maybe, to be more accurate, I am afraid of that which may lurk in the dark.

As I child I made a game of it, created rules and defined what it was in the dark I was afraid of.

I created tiny gnomes in my mind, and maintained that they wanted to use me as a playground when I was asleep and they would get mad if I was awake when they wanted to play, so I had to lay super still until I fell asleep, so I could trick them.

This elaborate ploy didn't do all of what I wanted it to do, however, because I created something that I couldn't really be afraid of, but I neglected to create something benign for the fear that lived in my closet or the fear under my bed.

I used to leap from my light (by the door) to my bed, because I was certain SOMETHING was there, waiting for me.  I remember getting in trouble many times for not turning out the light before going to bed, but it was such a long way from our closed bedroom door to the bed.  I sometimes wouldn't dare traverse it in the dark.

When I went to college, I dared my fear, often going for walks on campus at night by myself.  I would imagine what could be there, and trembled the whole way back to the dorms.

As I have gotten older, my fears have not subsided.  I keep thinking that I would love the dark, if only I could be SURE I knew what was in it (and that it was safe).  Living with roommates was wonderful for me, unless they were gone.  In the dorms, you were never REALLY alone.  Someone you knew was always just down the hall, etc.  In an apartment, that might not be the case.  I remember on several occasions hiding in my bedroom with all the lights in the house on, doors locked, listening to music, or watching a movie...anything to distract me from the knowledge that it was night, and I was alone in it.

Since having a baby, my fears are even more acute.  I keep having visions of someone breaking into my house in the night, while I am asleep, and taking my baby.  Of course, the mere presence of my husband keeps me from worrying when he is there, but on the nights he is not, I am often paralyzed by fear.  So much so, that when she and I go to bed, I put her in her room, turn my bedside lamp on, and stare down the hallway at her doorway, just to make sure nobody invades to take her away.  Everytime I shut my eyes, I worry someone is there, just out of reach of the light, that I've missed something, and I open my eyes again.  It takes me over an hour to fall asleep.

Today, though, I declaire war on my fear.  I bought a thousand night lights. (ok, maybe only a pack of four) which I have placed throuought the upstairs to keep the night at  bay when I am home alone with the baby.  I am hoping that will help.

So there you have it.  I am an adult, who fears the dark.  Pathetic.  I know, but it is my burden, and I will carry it as far as I must.

Every once in a while, though, when I can keep my brain from going there, things are fine.  I hope to try to develop that ability more as well.

I am not quite sure how to end this post.

I was always better at beginnings than endings.

fin

My momma me

So, here I sit, computer in lap, newly changed shirt at 9:47 pm because cute baby puked all over the other one just minutes ago.  Cute one is also outside with daddy at 9:47 because she screams bloody murder, until you walk her towards the front door.  Then she turns to face it, quietly, anticipating OUTSIDE!

I haven't written for a while.  First, it was because I didn't have the time.  Then, because I still didn't have the time.

You see, first we had to close down school.

Then we went on our last school field trip (to Newport, baby came, cried the whole way there...2 hours)

Then school was out, and I am lucky to get time to do house things, let alone fun other things.  You see, she wakes us up at 7 am in the morning.  "Good morning Momma!  FEED ME!"  (translation approximated)  So I feed her then play with her until around 9 am, when she gets angry, so I wrap my baby burrito, and send her to bed.  I can normally get about an hour of sleep out of her on that one, sometimes more, so I pump, then I shower and put day-time clothes on.  If I still have time, I may eat, or do dishes or some laundry (so much laundry to do!)  Then she sweetly tells me "FEED ME!" and I do, then play for a time that totals about 2 awake hours.  Then she naps anywhere from 10 minutes to an hour, so I can't do anything that I need momentum to work on, because who knows when I will be called away.  The day proceeds in a similar manner 2 hours awake, ? time asleep... anytime we get in the car, she wails until we get out.  But, when she is happy, she is ADORABLE!!!!

Anyway, that is my excuse for not writing.  I have the cutest distraction ever.

So, I will see if I can post more later.  Until then though, here are some pictures to tide you over, oh my adoring fans!

back for today

I've realized that when I make excuses--saying I don't have time, or am too tired to spend time with God like I know I should, nothing earth-shattering happens.  It's not as if I get struck by lightning or caught in an earthquake.  However, things slowly get harder and harder and more overwhelming, which things do anyway, right?  We always have that ebb and flow of hard times and easy times.  The thing is, though, that when the overwhelming times come, and I don't have that time set aside for God, things hit me harder and I have a hard time keeping my sunny perspective and my can-do attitude.  I get bogged down with stuff, and things.  I get tired--not just regular, I'm not sleeping much, tired, but really, truly, bone-deep tired.

So this is my acknowledgement that I realize that I haven't "had time" for HIM recently, and that I am tired, pessimistic, and grumpy.  I am tired of being grumpy.  I am tired of complaining.

So, what am I going to do about it?  I am going to write this post.

I am going to talk to Him as I get ready in the morning
I am going to talk to Him as I get ready for bed
I am going to call on him today, tomorrow, and during this camping trip, for help, for perspective, for sleep as I try camping with 27 kids, 23 adults, and one 4-month old.

Be with me, as I try to be with You.  Not just to make things easier for me (although, selfishly, I know that is a lot of it right now) but also to make things nicer for my husband and students, as I cannot be happy-me, when I am without YOU.