Ok, not really forever, but months. This is the first day of the new year. 1/1/15. Last year (2014) was a year of challenge, change, and imbalance. It was also the year my baby was born, which is part of the whole challenge, change and imbalance thing... It was the year the school I helped start was recommended for Accreditation. It was a year where I always felt NOT QUITE ENOUGH. For anything. Ever.
What happened to the faithful, planning, non-procrastinating, never-settling-for-second-best-ing, HAPPY, optimistic person I was? Where have I gone?
I haven't been faithful with "Quite time" or "Devotions" or however you want to say "being purposeful about being close to God."
I haven't gotten hardly ANYTHING done in my yard, and the bulb planting season is WAYYY past.
My house is dirty... I actually rejoiced the day I had time to clean our three toilets (in December... and probably not since June before that...)
I have gained 30 ish pounds SINCE I GAVE BIRTH! I can't even blame Vivian for them. I gained next to nothing when I was pregnant with her! I had to buy larger clothes so I don't look like I am a lumpy, disproportionate snowman-shaped person! And I haven't had time to go work out for 2 months. And (I have only gone, maybe 10 times since Vivian was born in February).
My students are behind where they should be in almost every subject, but I can't figure out how to speed them up without them missing something. On top of that I just did 2 months worth of grading this last week, that is how long I have gone since grading their papers...
My baby, most days, only sees me for 4ish hours. 5 if you count the nap where she DOESN'T see me because she is ASLEEP.
I get frustrated about NOT BEING ENOUGH, and I end up coming unglued at my amazing husband for the least little thing (like when he asks me what I was thinking about for dinner. I mean really...how could he be so demanding like that right!! right...)
So this year is going to be different. I am going to figure SOMETHING out... I am going to try to find the ME in the mess and be okay with whatever ME I find. To do this, I have decided to try to be intentional about doing some sort of "thing with God, ish thing..." and since time is something I am a little short on, it needs to be something quick. Since I would like to be challenged, or have something to focus on or work toward, I don't want some touchy "God loves you" "Forgive yourself" "God is all you need" sort of something. I know all of those things...I don't feel them right now, but I know them, and I know that eventually God is going to come out with his "Listen to Me" Hammer and break down all the walls I have been building to try to keep everything balanced, but until then, I shall soldier on.
Since I can't find something that screams "This is what God wants you to study this year!" I have gone back to an old favorite. It is called Simple Words of Wisdom: 52 Virtues for Every Woman by Penelope J. Stokes. I don't think the virtues themselves are gender specific, but the way it is written, the audience is definitely for women, mostly women with a spouse and children. I haven't read it since I had Vivian, so maybe I will get something else for it.
If anyone can think of a study-ish-thingie that fits my requirements, by all means suggest away, but as it says I have only one follower, I am doubtful I am going to get much of a response in that vein.
Anyway, my goal is to write at least once a week about the virtue of the week, and how the last week's virtue went. I know that I don't get many comments on here, but if you ever see me looking at thinks a little weirdly, or can think of different perspectives to give me, please don't be a stranger. I am looking for the Me that I have lost, and it is very probable, that I can find parts of it in all of you. (sappy, I know, but that is also me :)
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