I have too much to do. So I do nothing...
I have done some of it...
I pretty much finished putting our new TV stand/cabinety thing together.
I created e-mail addresses for students (whose parents have turned in their enrollment info)
I started figuring out Google Classrooms
I need to weed my garden and take care of zombie plums and pears
I need to write some more stuff for our accreditation stuff
I need to get my classroom ready for school starting on Wednesday
I need to make copies
I need to sleep
I need to stop feeling so weighed down with STUFF...
my heart feels heavy again...and I hate it.
I want to curl up in my bed and cry...but I don't...I work, I write, I drink coke and sing loudly to make myself believe I am ok--I cuddle my baby (who either pushes me away "come on Mom, you're smothering me!" or sucks on my nose*kisses*)
and then I pull out the computer
and I work some more...
Sunday, August 31, 2014
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
Update
Now this update might be cut off at any minute, because the baby is asleep, but I can't guarentee how long it will stay that way. I just thought you should know a couple things:
1. She had really bad diarrhea last week and an ensuing horrible diaper rash
2. diarrhea is really hard to spell, and what is up with the spelling of diapers!
3. Her diarreah (sp) is almost gone, and I am pretty sure the rash has cleared up, but we are still putting stuff on it anyway.
4. We put her to bed at 10:30 last night.
5. She woke me up at 5:45 this morning to feed her
6. I put her back down a few minutes before 7, and she is still asleep half an hour later
7. That means she slept for like 7 hours straight!!!!!
8. I can't think of anything else to say, but thought you all should know she is adorable. (If you look closely at her chin, you will smile)
1. She had really bad diarrhea last week and an ensuing horrible diaper rash
2. diarrhea is really hard to spell, and what is up with the spelling of diapers!
3. Her diarreah (sp) is almost gone, and I am pretty sure the rash has cleared up, but we are still putting stuff on it anyway.
4. We put her to bed at 10:30 last night.
5. She woke me up at 5:45 this morning to feed her
6. I put her back down a few minutes before 7, and she is still asleep half an hour later
7. That means she slept for like 7 hours straight!!!!!
8. I can't think of anything else to say, but thought you all should know she is adorable. (If you look closely at her chin, you will smile)
Friday, June 20, 2014
My confession
I have a confession. I am not positive I am using that word correctly though, and I know that somewhere out there, there might be some word police (you know who you are ;) and so you can change the word so "confession" to whatever the correct word is.
Anyway, I have a confession...it is not something that you hear adults say, really, and I have to admit that I am more than a little embarrassed by it, to say the least (which is why I call it a confession).
Yes, so my confession...Here it is...
I am afraid of the dark.
I am, or maybe, to be more accurate, I am afraid of that which may lurk in the dark.
As I child I made a game of it, created rules and defined what it was in the dark I was afraid of.
I created tiny gnomes in my mind, and maintained that they wanted to use me as a playground when I was asleep and they would get mad if I was awake when they wanted to play, so I had to lay super still until I fell asleep, so I could trick them.
This elaborate ploy didn't do all of what I wanted it to do, however, because I created something that I couldn't really be afraid of, but I neglected to create something benign for the fear that lived in my closet or the fear under my bed.
I used to leap from my light (by the door) to my bed, because I was certain SOMETHING was there, waiting for me. I remember getting in trouble many times for not turning out the light before going to bed, but it was such a long way from our closed bedroom door to the bed. I sometimes wouldn't dare traverse it in the dark.
When I went to college, I dared my fear, often going for walks on campus at night by myself. I would imagine what could be there, and trembled the whole way back to the dorms.
As I have gotten older, my fears have not subsided. I keep thinking that I would love the dark, if only I could be SURE I knew what was in it (and that it was safe). Living with roommates was wonderful for me, unless they were gone. In the dorms, you were never REALLY alone. Someone you knew was always just down the hall, etc. In an apartment, that might not be the case. I remember on several occasions hiding in my bedroom with all the lights in the house on, doors locked, listening to music, or watching a movie...anything to distract me from the knowledge that it was night, and I was alone in it.
Since having a baby, my fears are even more acute. I keep having visions of someone breaking into my house in the night, while I am asleep, and taking my baby. Of course, the mere presence of my husband keeps me from worrying when he is there, but on the nights he is not, I am often paralyzed by fear. So much so, that when she and I go to bed, I put her in her room, turn my bedside lamp on, and stare down the hallway at her doorway, just to make sure nobody invades to take her away. Everytime I shut my eyes, I worry someone is there, just out of reach of the light, that I've missed something, and I open my eyes again. It takes me over an hour to fall asleep.
Today, though, I declaire war on my fear. I bought a thousand night lights. (ok, maybe only a pack of four) which I have placed throuought the upstairs to keep the night at bay when I am home alone with the baby. I am hoping that will help.
So there you have it. I am an adult, who fears the dark. Pathetic. I know, but it is my burden, and I will carry it as far as I must.
Every once in a while, though, when I can keep my brain from going there, things are fine. I hope to try to develop that ability more as well.
I am not quite sure how to end this post.
I was always better at beginnings than endings.
fin
Anyway, I have a confession...it is not something that you hear adults say, really, and I have to admit that I am more than a little embarrassed by it, to say the least (which is why I call it a confession).
Yes, so my confession...Here it is...
I am afraid of the dark.
I am, or maybe, to be more accurate, I am afraid of that which may lurk in the dark.
As I child I made a game of it, created rules and defined what it was in the dark I was afraid of.
I created tiny gnomes in my mind, and maintained that they wanted to use me as a playground when I was asleep and they would get mad if I was awake when they wanted to play, so I had to lay super still until I fell asleep, so I could trick them.
This elaborate ploy didn't do all of what I wanted it to do, however, because I created something that I couldn't really be afraid of, but I neglected to create something benign for the fear that lived in my closet or the fear under my bed.
I used to leap from my light (by the door) to my bed, because I was certain SOMETHING was there, waiting for me. I remember getting in trouble many times for not turning out the light before going to bed, but it was such a long way from our closed bedroom door to the bed. I sometimes wouldn't dare traverse it in the dark.
When I went to college, I dared my fear, often going for walks on campus at night by myself. I would imagine what could be there, and trembled the whole way back to the dorms.
As I have gotten older, my fears have not subsided. I keep thinking that I would love the dark, if only I could be SURE I knew what was in it (and that it was safe). Living with roommates was wonderful for me, unless they were gone. In the dorms, you were never REALLY alone. Someone you knew was always just down the hall, etc. In an apartment, that might not be the case. I remember on several occasions hiding in my bedroom with all the lights in the house on, doors locked, listening to music, or watching a movie...anything to distract me from the knowledge that it was night, and I was alone in it.
Since having a baby, my fears are even more acute. I keep having visions of someone breaking into my house in the night, while I am asleep, and taking my baby. Of course, the mere presence of my husband keeps me from worrying when he is there, but on the nights he is not, I am often paralyzed by fear. So much so, that when she and I go to bed, I put her in her room, turn my bedside lamp on, and stare down the hallway at her doorway, just to make sure nobody invades to take her away. Everytime I shut my eyes, I worry someone is there, just out of reach of the light, that I've missed something, and I open my eyes again. It takes me over an hour to fall asleep.
Today, though, I declaire war on my fear. I bought a thousand night lights. (ok, maybe only a pack of four) which I have placed throuought the upstairs to keep the night at bay when I am home alone with the baby. I am hoping that will help.
So there you have it. I am an adult, who fears the dark. Pathetic. I know, but it is my burden, and I will carry it as far as I must.
Every once in a while, though, when I can keep my brain from going there, things are fine. I hope to try to develop that ability more as well.
I am not quite sure how to end this post.
I was always better at beginnings than endings.
fin
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
My momma me
So, here I sit, computer in lap, newly changed shirt at 9:47 pm because cute baby puked all over the other one just minutes ago. Cute one is also outside with daddy at 9:47 because she screams bloody murder, until you walk her towards the front door. Then she turns to face it, quietly, anticipating OUTSIDE!
I haven't written for a while. First, it was because I didn't have the time. Then, because I still didn't have the time.
You see, first we had to close down school.
Then we went on our last school field trip (to Newport, baby came, cried the whole way there...2 hours)
Then school was out, and I am lucky to get time to do house things, let alone fun other things. You see, she wakes us up at 7 am in the morning. "Good morning Momma! FEED ME!" (translation approximated) So I feed her then play with her until around 9 am, when she gets angry, so I wrap my baby burrito, and send her to bed. I can normally get about an hour of sleep out of her on that one, sometimes more, so I pump, then I shower and put day-time clothes on. If I still have time, I may eat, or do dishes or some laundry (so much laundry to do!) Then she sweetly tells me "FEED ME!" and I do, then play for a time that totals about 2 awake hours. Then she naps anywhere from 10 minutes to an hour, so I can't do anything that I need momentum to work on, because who knows when I will be called away. The day proceeds in a similar manner 2 hours awake, ? time asleep... anytime we get in the car, she wails until we get out. But, when she is happy, she is ADORABLE!!!!
Anyway, that is my excuse for not writing. I have the cutest distraction ever.
So, I will see if I can post more later. Until then though, here are some pictures to tide you over, oh my adoring fans!
I haven't written for a while. First, it was because I didn't have the time. Then, because I still didn't have the time.
You see, first we had to close down school.
Then we went on our last school field trip (to Newport, baby came, cried the whole way there...2 hours)
Then school was out, and I am lucky to get time to do house things, let alone fun other things. You see, she wakes us up at 7 am in the morning. "Good morning Momma! FEED ME!" (translation approximated) So I feed her then play with her until around 9 am, when she gets angry, so I wrap my baby burrito, and send her to bed. I can normally get about an hour of sleep out of her on that one, sometimes more, so I pump, then I shower and put day-time clothes on. If I still have time, I may eat, or do dishes or some laundry (so much laundry to do!) Then she sweetly tells me "FEED ME!" and I do, then play for a time that totals about 2 awake hours. Then she naps anywhere from 10 minutes to an hour, so I can't do anything that I need momentum to work on, because who knows when I will be called away. The day proceeds in a similar manner 2 hours awake, ? time asleep... anytime we get in the car, she wails until we get out. But, when she is happy, she is ADORABLE!!!!
Anyway, that is my excuse for not writing. I have the cutest distraction ever.
So, I will see if I can post more later. Until then though, here are some pictures to tide you over, oh my adoring fans!
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
back for today
I've realized that when I make excuses--saying I don't have time, or am too tired to spend time with God like I know I should, nothing earth-shattering happens. It's not as if I get struck by lightning or caught in an earthquake. However, things slowly get harder and harder and more overwhelming, which things do anyway, right? We always have that ebb and flow of hard times and easy times. The thing is, though, that when the overwhelming times come, and I don't have that time set aside for God, things hit me harder and I have a hard time keeping my sunny perspective and my can-do attitude. I get bogged down with stuff, and things. I get tired--not just regular, I'm not sleeping much, tired, but really, truly, bone-deep tired.
So this is my acknowledgement that I realize that I haven't "had time" for HIM recently, and that I am tired, pessimistic, and grumpy. I am tired of being grumpy. I am tired of complaining.
So, what am I going to do about it? I am going to write this post.
I am going to talk to Him as I get ready in the morning
I am going to talk to Him as I get ready for bed
I am going to call on him today, tomorrow, and during this camping trip, for help, for perspective, for sleep as I try camping with 27 kids, 23 adults, and one 4-month old.
Be with me, as I try to be with You. Not just to make things easier for me (although, selfishly, I know that is a lot of it right now) but also to make things nicer for my husband and students, as I cannot be happy-me, when I am without YOU.
So this is my acknowledgement that I realize that I haven't "had time" for HIM recently, and that I am tired, pessimistic, and grumpy. I am tired of being grumpy. I am tired of complaining.
So, what am I going to do about it? I am going to write this post.
I am going to talk to Him as I get ready in the morning
I am going to talk to Him as I get ready for bed
I am going to call on him today, tomorrow, and during this camping trip, for help, for perspective, for sleep as I try camping with 27 kids, 23 adults, and one 4-month old.
Be with me, as I try to be with You. Not just to make things easier for me (although, selfishly, I know that is a lot of it right now) but also to make things nicer for my husband and students, as I cannot be happy-me, when I am without YOU.
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
The great gift of love
Speaking about giving out of little, and how those who are poor are so willing to give.
I do know it is always so easy for me to make excuses, give reasons why I can't give--be it time, or money, or whatever. It always takes me a moment or two to remember that I have so much. I wonder why, those of us who have much (less than others of course) think we have nothing we can give?
Another thing I do, I might have mentioned before, is I throw money at the problem. It is so much easier to give money and let someone else do the actual work. I know they do need the money, but they probably need hands as well. Not that I have any plans to change that in the near future...I am still trying to figure out when I can sleep and maybe start working out again, because I stay healthier when I work out...
Maybe I will put that on my long list of things to do during my relaxing summer break.
PS a shout out to my man, who took all the night feedings Monday night because I was sick, and did all the night things but one last night.
Also, Pray I can beat this illness--whatever it is--it is weird, with headaches, stomach cramps, achiness, chills, sweats, and sore throat.
I do know it is always so easy for me to make excuses, give reasons why I can't give--be it time, or money, or whatever. It always takes me a moment or two to remember that I have so much. I wonder why, those of us who have much (less than others of course) think we have nothing we can give?
Another thing I do, I might have mentioned before, is I throw money at the problem. It is so much easier to give money and let someone else do the actual work. I know they do need the money, but they probably need hands as well. Not that I have any plans to change that in the near future...I am still trying to figure out when I can sleep and maybe start working out again, because I stay healthier when I work out...
Maybe I will put that on my long list of things to do during my relaxing summer break.
PS a shout out to my man, who took all the night feedings Monday night because I was sick, and did all the night things but one last night.
Also, Pray I can beat this illness--whatever it is--it is weird, with headaches, stomach cramps, achiness, chills, sweats, and sore throat.
Monday, May 19, 2014
Nothing Profound
Yeah, I am being a slacker and not doing my MT stuff today. Maybe tomorrow. Today I am unloading...getting stuff down so I can look at them outside myself and maybe get some perspective.
My next three weeks:
Wednesday meet with parents about accreditation info
Thursday meet with parents about next year's tuition
Friday meet with prospective part-time teacher for next year
Saturday shopping for our field trip
Monday meet with coworker about field trip and accreditation
Tuesday get cavity filled
Thursday more tuition meetings
Friday see Maleficent
Saturday Sister's graduation
Tuesday Career Fair
Wednesday last day of school, field day
Thursday-Saturday field trip Camping at Oregon coast for at least 50 people
I guess my biggest concern is the camping trip. I am going with Jeremy and the baby, but we won't have any way to easily heat milk for her, so I am going to be doing ALL the feedings, plus I am supposed to be running the field trip. I don't function well on little sleep, and now instead of just my kids knowing it, all their parents will know it too...
Well, I guess we shall see...but I have to go now...my baby wants her breakfast...
My next three weeks:
Wednesday meet with parents about accreditation info
Thursday meet with parents about next year's tuition
Friday meet with prospective part-time teacher for next year
Saturday shopping for our field trip
Monday meet with coworker about field trip and accreditation
Tuesday get cavity filled
Thursday more tuition meetings
Friday see Maleficent
Saturday Sister's graduation
Tuesday Career Fair
Wednesday last day of school, field day
Thursday-Saturday field trip Camping at Oregon coast for at least 50 people
I guess my biggest concern is the camping trip. I am going with Jeremy and the baby, but we won't have any way to easily heat milk for her, so I am going to be doing ALL the feedings, plus I am supposed to be running the field trip. I don't function well on little sleep, and now instead of just my kids knowing it, all their parents will know it too...
Well, I guess we shall see...but I have to go now...my baby wants her breakfast...
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