Commitment

Ok, so this is funny.  This week's word is Commitment, and when I read it this is what it says:

"When we commit our lives to God, something happens deep within us.  Our priorities begin to change.  We begin to see the spiritual truth in everyday life..."

This sounds  a whole lot like my week of re-centering.

It is as if God wants me to keep doing it, or something (I say this, knowing that the book was written well before I began doing this, but also knowing that God knew I would be here one day... not that the whole book revolved around me when it was being written...Maybe God just brought me to this book because he knew I would need it at this time...???

Regardless... Here we go Commitment!

My week of re-centering

Wow, this week wasn't so bad.  I am a little tired since the monster slept so poorly last night, but on the whole, I feel a lot more balanced than normal.

That isn't to say that I don't have papers to grade, grades to enter, a house to clean, a dishwasher to fix, food to make, and a body that needs to lose weight before my knee breaks altogether (it has been hurting pretty regularly now).

Nope, I have stuff to do.

Stuff with deadlines...

Stuff that is WORK...

Stuff that is exhausting...

And not quite enough sleep... still...

But I feel ok about it.

What is different?  What have I done, or made a habit of doing in the last few days that I had been missing?

I stop and pray.

In the middle of the stuff and the demands and the deadlines, when something comes across my desk, my e-mail, my ears, I stop and pray.   Just a small prayer.  It only takes a few seconds... but I take the time, the energy, the focus, to stop.

It isn't easy though!  I have a line of students at my desk needing help, panicking because they need everything done and turned in within an hour.  Mrs. Davis pops her head in and says she needs to run one of the baby goats to the vet...it is wheezing and not doing well.  I have papers to grade and kids to help, and now two classrooms to supervise.  I pause and pray.  I pray for the goat, and the family that has been bottle feeding it every 2 hours around the clock for the last week.  Kids need my help.  The class in the other room gets louder, but I pause and pray.

And it made a difference, I think.  Now, of course, I am approaching this from a specific worldview, and not everyone who may come across and read this may be from this view.

It could be that I pause and center... a form of meditation...
It could be that I reclaim a tiny bit of myself within the madness...
I could be.....

I know... I know it could be... but my center IS God, or should be anyway.  And yes, I do reclaim a tiny bit of myself within the madness... the tiny bit of myself that is that of God within me, which I sometimes lose in the madness.

Whatever you would like to call it, when I find my center, even when everything else is rushing at breakneck speed around me, I find a tiny spot of quiet, and for a moment, that is where I live.  For now, it is enough.

Wow...and Wow

So, my week of balance (last week if anyone is keeping track... was NOT a week of balance...

Thus the NOT POSTING.

When I finally had time to post, it was 9:00, the baby was barely in bed, and I didn't want to do anything but vegg out on the couch...

On Saturday Jeremy was away all day hanging with the guys (Yeayy for guy's days out!) and I got to play with my baby all day.  On Sunday we had church, and then I worked all afternoon while Jeremy took the baby over to a friend's house so I could concentrate (because she is very distractingly adorable when she wants her momma!) and on Monday I had no school, but daycare was closed, so I had  the baby again (so cute!).  Anyway, crazyness!  It is the end of the quarter and kids are freaking out because they have all this missing work (that I have been telling them for a while that they need to get done, hello!) and the last day to turn in papers is tomorrow.

Jeremy did dishes last night
Jeremy took out the trash last night
Jessie did nothing... I'm not helpful
I run and run and run all day, fixing other people's problems, being blamed for kids not doing things when I tell them they need to, needing to solve conflicts that parents should be taking care of at home, and teaching kids when it is GOOD to tattle and when it is BAD to tattle.  I move move move all day long, and when I get home I am tired.

I have to talk myself into NOT being selfish (and often I lose).  I need to continue to work on balance, because if I can balance my life a little more, then maybe I won't be so ready to quit everything when I get home.

I am at school now, and my book is not here with me... but this is the point where I remember...

I remember what the week of balance was all about...

(you got to love how much I use ellipses!...)

It was about focusing on the important things... the center.

So I am going to Curves again (Yeayyy) two days a week, and they have just started this video thing during it, so you are on a machine for a bit, and then you switch to what is on the video, and currently it is a balance exercise (I just got this!  Thanks God! ...smart aleck!)  Anyway, when you do the balance exercises, you are supposed to pull in your stomach and focus on your center.  It is amazing how well it works to balance you!

And that is what the book was talking about!  Pulling everything in toward the center!  Balance!

So, what I really need is not more weeks to practice JUGGLING all the things I need to do... but I need to focus on the CENTER, and everything else will fall into place!

Balance

So, I was going to post this last night, but this weekend was busy.

First was Saturday, when I went to the mall and bought some much needed, and very comfortable shoes (and each pair is more than I have ever spent on shoes in my whole life, and probably more than 5 times more than I usually spend on shoes, but they were so comfortable my feet refused to settle for anything less...)  I got back later than I thought I would, and stayed up after bedtime making banana bread and scones (I can't remember the last time I baked, and it felt good!)

Then Sunday was church, and then the usual crowd came over and I didn't get started on my school work until 5.  Also, it is very difficult to concentrate on grading papers when there is an adorable baby at you knee demanding to be picked up.  So I got most of that done after V. went to bed, which was close to 9.  At 10 I was finally finished, and I could have written here (let's be authentic shall we) but I was tired and just wanted to watch the last half of Avengers, lie on the couch, and make a candy cane so pokey it could stab someone (or at least my tongue).

So, this seems like the perfect time to talk about balance.  And maybe being authentic about balance in my life...

My coworker is amazing.  She comes to school every Monday detailing the long list of huge things she has accomplished during the weekend.  She gets up early, is active all day with 4-H shows, and her farm, and her schoolwork, etc. and goes to bed at 1 or later each day.  This repeats during the school week as well, where she is always shuttling kids to and from something (not during teaching hours) and rarely does she talk about having down time.  Each day she comes in, talking about how busy her night is, and to hear her tell it (and I believe her) she only gets about 4 hours of sleep each night and no just sit down and relax time between.

I find myself constantly making excuses for myself.  I tell her I didn't have time to finish grading papers, because I was so busy, when the reality was that at 9:00 I got so tired and bored that I watched tv for 45 minutes to decompress, then I went to bed around 10.  It feels like I am cheating if I tell her that I got 6 hours of sleep.  I compare myself to her all the time, and always feel like I come up short.  She is Super Girl and I am an extra.

But that is not the reality.  The reality is that I need to lead a life of Balance.  Not Balance for her, but Balance for me.  I need about 1/2 and hour to an hour of NO WORK time before bed, or I won't sleep.  And I need sleep.  I know what I need, and I endeavor to give those things to myself, but I also need to be authentic about it as well.  I can't feel afraid to tell the truth.

We have one and a half weeks until report cards.  That means that students will be turning in a crazy amount of work this week.  God help me keep these things in balance: Work, Family, Friends, and Me, so I can effectively do your work in all aspects of my life.

Authenticity--Summing it up

First of all, to sum up my week of authenticity, I posted these AUTHENTIC pictures of my living room and kitchen on facebook:

All in all, I have learned a lot about choosing to be absolutely honest with God and being politely honest with others (not just polite) and I have found that it takes a lot of anger away when I am honest and don't have to HIDE (or try to hide) how I feel about things.  I feel a lot lighter writing this, now, than I felt last week.  I also found myself talking to God again, about random things during the day, and I think I forgot I wasn't doing that.  Bringing God into the little moment, just to comment to Him about things, or to ask rhetorical questions, brings Him into the forefront of my mind, which, in itself, calms and centers me.  I missed that, and didn't realize it.  

So, thank you Authenticity!  I hope to continue thinking about you and apply what I learned from you as I enter into this next week.  

Hello Balance!

Authenticity--In a rush

I am at school, and in about 8 minutes students will come in all excited and happy to see each other.  Others will come in dragging and tired.  Some will come, coffee in hand (Jr High and older only) claiming they are still asleep, and some will proudly claim they have been up since 4am playing games on their X-Box.

For a while, kids can't help but be authentic.  I always know where I stand with my (almost) one year old daughter.  Her 11 months of life are enough for her to know EXACTLY how she wants things to go.  If she is well-rested and her tummy is full, for the most part she can roll with it if things don't go her way.  However, when she is tired, or hungry, or her gums ache, she WILL let me know.

There is a sort of refreshing peace that comes when you don't have to guess how the people around you are taking what you are saying or doing.  (Although I feel anything but peaceful when she is wailing...).  When the people around you are authentic and tell you how the REALLY feel...hopefully kindly, then you are free to take people at their word and not second guess them.

I decided early in my marriage that I could either worry myself to death trying to figure out what my husband meant when he said he was "fine" with going to Shari's, or  I could take him at his word, and that "fine" means ok, and that he really meant it.  Sometimes I still get hung up on what "fine" means (does that mean you want to go, or that you would rather go somewhere else but you are "fine" with going if that is what I want to do...) but that sort of thinking DOES drive me crazy.

Maybe, during my week of Authenticity, I should assume authenticity in others.  If I take people at their word, and not worry myself to death trying to figure out what they are REALLY trying to say, then maybe I will find some small measure of peace...

I wonder if that could be dangerous though.  Should I always be authentic, but question the motives of those around me?  That way I am not surprised or taken unawares when something goes bad...

Hmm... It is 8:03 now, and kids are piling in....I'm out of time...

But what do you think?

Authenticity and feeling fine

I thought I would post a quick update: I feel ok.

Yesterday was a GOOD day.

I got up at 5am and fed my baby.

I ate breakfast, packed my lunch, and posted my lament.

I went to school, and was reminded of how very far behind we are on almost everything.

I told my teaching partner how I feel totally ineffective.

I taught, and gave corrections, and gave lists of missing work and reminded kids we have 2 1/2 weeks until the end of the quarter.

I don't think I did anything different

but I was different.

I saw joy, I saw promise, I saw a glimmer of where we could go...

I came home exhausted, with a voice that was almost gone, and a cranky baby.

I had work to do, and a nap to give, and stuff to put away.

But something was different.

Not a lot different, but a little...

and yesterday, it was enough.