Chapter 4: on contemplation

Currently I can't even imagine contemplating.  It is 5:40 am and my husband is trying to feed my crying baby.  Any minute now I am sure he is going to give up and try to give her to me, since I am awake and he still has sleeping to do.  He might not though.  We shall see.  On to contemplating

Perfect.  I think this first part is perfect for my mood right now, so I shall share it word-for-word: "Seeking the face of God in everything, everyone, everywhere, all the time, and seeing His hand in every happening--that is contemplation in the heart of the world."  

and the rest of it is summed up in her final lines: "To me, contemplation is not to be shut up in a dark place, but to allow Jesus to live His passion, love, and humility in us, praying with us, being with us, sanctifying through us."

As my baby's cries subside, and I finish this chapter, I reflect:

Contemplation, for me, has always meant something similar to the Quaker's open worship, or time of silence.  I am supposed to clear my mind and abide in Him or in His word.  I can't do it.  I might be able to some day, but for now, I am lucky if I can clear my mind for one minute.  SOMETHING always comes in and derails my contemplation.  However, I think I can get behind Mother Teresa's idea of contemplation.

To her, it sounds like, contemplation is found in action, in living in the world and finding that of God in it.  I can do that.  Some days I don't stop to reflect, but when I do, I am surrounded by God every day in : the students I teach, my endlessly supportive co-worker, parents who volunteer time and supplies without asking for anything in return, my husband who deals with a crying baby during his sleepy time while I am awake and getting ready for the day, family, and of course, the world outside, where currently flowers are blooming and trees are leafing out.

"but to allow Jesus to live His passion, love, and humility in us, praying with us, being with us, sanctifying through us"

I will say though, that while some days I feel equal to allowing Jesus to live his passion and love in me, other days I am more realistic.

I am a person who cares... a lot... about everything.  You know the saying "break my heart for what breaks yours"?  That is a frightening phrase for me, because there are thousands of things, more, that breaks God's heart, and each time I hear about one, if I let myself, I feel it.  It breaks me.  There is so much hurting in the world and I know it, and if I allow myself to let it all in, I feel it...All of it.  I am not sure if others out there understand what that actually means, but the result is, that I have to be picky about what I let in, because otherwise I would walk around crying ALL THE TIME, and I mean it.

So, allowing God to fully live out His passion and love in me is a scary prospect, and one I don't think I am quite ready for yet.  Maybe one day, after I figure out balance a little more, but until then, I pray God lives out SOME of his passion and love in me, and that I am able to see Him in this world in which we live.