a little about me.

So, I have a confession, and I only feel ready to share it here because I believe God spoke to it last night.

First off, I need to say that now that I am a parent, I have very strong opinions about what I don't want to be.  I have had quite a few example of abuse, and I don't want my child to fear me.  That being said, I haven't been getting much sleep lately, and my beautiful, wonderful daughter has been taking a lot out of me.  So much so that there have been times I have been so frustrated that I have involuntarily imagined doing things about it.  Yesterday I saw myself hitting her in my mind's eye.  I was feeding her at the time, and she was pulling at me, and crying, and I was frustrated.  I have a lot of work to do for school, and around the house, and she is taking up SO MUCH TIME...and I know that is the nature of children, but yesterday...I don't know what it was, considering yesterday wasn't even the worst day this week...but it has been a very hard week for me.

So, I am feeding her, and she is hurting me, and in my mind I see myself hitting her.  My two-month-old baby.  Who does that?  Who even thinks about hurting a little thing that wouldn't even be able to understand WHY.  And I was afraid.  Because I have been in the shoes of that child, and I DO NOT want her to go through that.  And I cried out to God.  

I snuggled that baby close to my and I cried out.  I told God to take it out of me...the anger, the...everything icky that would cause me to even entertain the thought of hurting my baby.  I cried and held her close to me.

And I felt some relief

And then, last night, she slept.

I mean, she slept for 7 hours straight.

I got up twice to check on her and make sure she wasn't dead, because she NEVER sleeps that long, and recently she has only been sleeping for an hour or two at a time.

She slept, and I slept too.  I only slept for about 5 hours, since that is what my body is used to getting now...but that is 5 consecutive hours of sleep.  She woke up around 4 to eat, and then I put her back down at 4:30 and I got another 1/2 hour of sleep on top of that!

THANK YOU GOD!

I believe that my past will not go away, ever, but I also believe that God has risen me up beyond my past, and will continue to lift me beyond it.  With Him on my side, I will overcome, and I will not continue this cycle.

It ends here.