Authenticity and Lament

So our church service yesterday was about Lament, which I was totally blowing off at the time because, hello, cute baby crawling all over me!  However, in the middle of our singing, one of the worship team leaders said something that caught my attention.  We were singing happy, worshipful songs, and after one such song he stopped us and started saying something about Lament (which again, cute baby!) but then he said one word that shouted "pay attention" to me.

Authentic

And I thought, wow, coincidence.  However, I heard.  He was talking about how being authentic means sharing your fear, anger, sadness, frustration, and being honest with yourself and God about those feelings.  I thought, "Oh, yeah, I've done that!"  I had shared them with God and my blog, so I'm good, right!

But the word kept coming up.

Authentic

Authenticity...

And so my attention was continually drawn, but I still wasn't convinced, until my pastor started speaking.  It was toward the end of the sermon, when she was trying to convince us to do this Lament excercise, where they had given everyone a handout with a short answer sort of questionnaire designed to have us write our own Lament.   I wasn't going to do it.  I thought...blah, blah, feel goodie (or sad..whatever) activity...blah blah... Until she spoke these words.  They are a paraphrase, but I wrote them down because they gave me a reason to write:

Please be Authentic, at least with God.  Tell Him how you really feel.  Peace begins with us, and if we aren't authentic--honest about our places of fear, anger, mistrust...if we don't take those to God, the seeds will stay with us, and will be sown wherever we go.  That fear, anger, and mistrust will spread...

The directions for the Lament include a step 6, which says "Curse On Enemies--(in lines 3-7 express your true desires, even if they are ugly; hold nothing back.  Communicate your real emotions to God."

So here it is, my lament:

God, Help Me!

I feel tired/overwhelmed/ineffective/critical/negative.

I feel this way because YOU are giving me too much to do, with not enough time, not enough help, not enough sleep.  I bring my frustrations to you, and instead of going out of me and to you, they sit in me and create a well of negativity, each new event growing on the other as the well of grows deeper and deeper.

I have 4 full grade levels to teach on my own, plus at least 4 other classes with 3rd-12 grades.  I am in charge of technology and parent communication at my school.  We have plays, accreditation, field trips, continuing education and more.  In addition I have home life, with my husband and baby.  Much of the home time is filled with planning and grading.  I am not able to fill ANY of my roles effectively.  I am tired, and pick at the least little frustration and each little frustration adds to the growing well of dimness inside of me and calls for more criticism and negativity.

I know you are a God of love and faithfulness, and I remember when you answered my prayers about Vivian.  I remember when you brought me to this school, and you brought me my husband.  When my family was far away, you created a new family for me out of people I love, who love me.  I know you have a plan, and that Your was are not my ways.  I know you are the God of peace and that eventually I will find rest.