Just thinking

This is just me taking 10 minutes to get what I am thinking out into the open air.  I just have so many thoughts tumbling around in my head, sometimes it helps to get them out of there, and I am a faster typer than I am a hand-writer.

So Jeremy and I are contemplating putting down an offer on a house.  This house is gorgeous.  I mean, wow!  But, it is expensive.  I mean, all houses are expensive, and it isn't like, a million-dollar home or anything.  It is, however, on the outside range of what we were willing to pay (per month).  Now, this wouldn't be a big problem if Jeremy gets a better job, but when you are first hired on, your position is more tenuous than if you had been there for a while. He is nervous (I think) and that makes me nervous.

I have always been a "jump in with both feet" kind of girl.  I think things through, but when I have made a decision, I jump.  Jeremy and I had talked about our finances, and because I thought the thinking time was over, I saw something I REALLY liked, within our limitations, and I was ready to jump.

I am so grateful for Jeremy, who has the wisdom to take a second look at things, or sometimes a third or fourth look at things.  Honestly, sometimes when I jump, things turn out great, but sometimes, I end up frenching a gross stranger in a dingy bar in Anchorage.

Right now I am taking a second look at our decision.  We haven't put down the offer yet.  We were going to last night, but something came up with the listing and we couldn't.  That gave Jeremy the cool-down time to start thinking again, which got me thinking again.  At first I thought that if God wanted us there, He would open the door to us, and if He didn't, then the house would cease to be available.  Now I am thinking that it is possible that God placed that small obstacle in our path so that we would take a second look at the road ahead.

I am afraid that we SHOULDN'T get the house.  Because I WANT it.

Don't you hate it when wisdom and desires come in conflict.  Now I have to choose which one wins, and, sadly (for my heart) I am leaning towards wisdom...

My devotional today

So lately, I have been thinking about Dietrich Bonhoeffer.  If you don't know who he is, I am sure Wikipedia would be happy to tell you.  He was an amazing man, though, and honesty wrestled with some serious faith issues he came across.  Because of that honesty, and his leading to bravely face his confusion head-on, I greatly respect and admire him.  So, when I found this devotional (A 40 Day Journey with Dietrich Bonhoeffer)  I was excited.  I began reading somewhere in the middle, and I skipped around (missing days here and there).  Today, though, I decided to go back to the first day of the devotional.

It spoke to me.  It didn't give me ANY answers, but it spoke to me nonetheless, and I though I might share it with you.

Keep praying.

--Me

Pray for me

I am posting this here because I know only a select-few people read this, and I don't want anything too wide-spread, but I would like prayer.

As you know, my school, Open Bible, is merging next year with CS Lewis.

And I don't know what to do.

I signed a letter of intent already (although that is not a contract) and they have told me that I will probably be teaching 3rd grade next year.

I don't know what to do.

The thing is, there are lots of things:
1. My teaching partner is not moving with me--she is starting a new venture--a kind of homeschool extention program for parents who want a christian education for their kids, but can't afford a Christian school
2. I feel like I am being demoted.  I know I am not, quite, really... but after going from a 3rd-4th grade teacher who teaches music, is in charge of the Christmas Program and Spring Fling and is in charge of our school's proffessional development (along with teaching reading to the 5-6th grade), I really kind of feel demoted.  They didn't even ask me what I wanted to do.  I have my Reading Specialist endorsement, and they are planning on hiring a reading specialist, but they didn't even ask me if I wanted the position.  It kind of feels like they are just taking me because they have to.  That might not be the case but...
3. I feel like I am moving in this direction simply because I am in this river, and that is the direction the river is taking me.  I don't feel MOVED.
4.  I want a calling.  I want to move because I am being called to move, not just because I am following the path of least resistance.
5.  Inside of me, I want to be with my teaching partner, but I haven't heard the voice yet.  I haven't gotten the "all clear" from the man upstairs.

It is possible that the word from The Man is that I should just follow this river, and maybe I don't want to, and maybe that is where this uneasy feeling is coming from.  But maybe, there is something He is trying to say, one way or the other, that my mind is just to busy to hear.

So, can you pray?  All of whoever you are out there who is still reading this?  Can you pray that God actually gives me direction?  And can you pray that I hear it?  And if you feel like God is giving YOU an answer, please be faithful to talk to me about it.  I value you.

--Me

He is risen

For this post, I think I will just post the lyrics to one of my favorite Easter Hymns.   In Christ Alone

In Christ alone my hope is found, He is my light, my strength, my song; this Cornerstone, this solid Ground, firm through the fiercest drought and storm. What heights of love, what depths of peace, when fears are stilled, when strivings cease! My Comforter, my All in All, here in the love of Christ I stand. In Christ alone! who took on flesh Fulness of God in helpless babe! This gift of love and righteousness Scorned by the ones he came to save: Till on that cross as Jesus died, The wrath of God was satisfied - For every sin on Him was laid; Here in the death of Christ I live. There in the ground His body lay Light of the world by darkness slain: Then bursting forth in glorious Day Up from the grave he rose again! And as He stands in victory Sin's curse has lost its grip on me, For I am His and He is mine - Bought with the precious blood of Christ. No guilt in life, no fear in death, This is the power of Christ in me; From life's first cry to final breath. Jesus commands my destiny. No power of hell, no scheme of man, Can ever pluck me from His hand; Till He returns or calls me home, Here in the power of Christ I'll stand. lyrics from Apostle.com

Holy Week Day 6

Saturday, March 30th
– Day of Silence 

Jesus in the tomb

Read John 19:38-42

Spend some time imagining what it would be like to be different characters in 
the story. 

What would it be like to be Jesus, lying dead in a tomb for 3 days? 
There are a couple of different takes on this.  Some people say that Jesus (himself, not his body) was elsewhere--In Hell, stealing the keys to Death, Guiding the God-fearing people who died before he did out of Hell and into the Light... And some people just think he was dead, gone.  This last one doesn't make sense to me, because I believe that everyone has an eternal soul.  Where was his?  Was he a ghost, haunting his body and tomb?  I don't know.  I kind of like the story of the Harrowing of Hell, but I like it more as a story, and less as theology.  I just don't think my God would allow people to be sent to Hell, just because they weren't born at the right time.  It just doesn't make sense to me, personally.  I know that some people believe it though, and that's fine.

What about the people who buried him? 
Nicodemus and Joseph of Arimathea.  Wow.  These two were both following Jesus in secret before his death.  They were afraid (like so many others...like us).  But then, something happened.  Something so drastic that they went before the governor to ask for Jesus' body, and then took it (in public--don't think that there weren't still people around)  and went to bury it.  Something happened inside them when Christ died.  Their fear wasn't the biggest thing in their lives anymore.  Something else had taken its place.  Sadly, it was a little late (not too late, because they still had an important role to play).

I guess, regardless of how late you enter the game, God can use you.  But just think about what God can do with you, if you enter the game before the last few minutes?  Anything!

What about the disciples who are waiting and wondering if he is going to come back to life?
Man!  Over and over I am reminded about fear in this story.  Fear.  It is understandable.  I mean, the one they have been following for 3 years is dead.  Dead.  They gave up everything to follow him, and now he is gone.  Not just gone, but taken and killed by their leaders.  What if they were next?  What if they decide that killing Jesus wasn't enough.  They want to believe, but fear gets in the way of belief.

I can't help but think about Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.  Indie had to walk across an invisible bridge in order to get to the Holy Grail.  Honestly, that part freaks me out every time (even though it is remarkably cheesy).  I am afraid of heights, and honestly, I don't know if I could do it.  Even if it was a glass bridge that I could see, I don't think I could do it.  Maybe if I crawled, very slowly, across... but probably not...  Faith that is bigger than Fear... that is hard to find, hard to muster, hard....  And sadly, the disciples couldn't find it. Do I blame them.  No.  Not at all.  But just like before, maybe there was more God could have done with them if they were ready to move right away.  Maybe...

But despite their fear, God still had a plan, and nothing gets in the way of God's plan.

I believe.

Try to cut out extra noise today. Avoid watching TV, listening to music, being on 
the Internet. Just go about your activities slowly and quietly.

I have failed at this already, and if you are reading this on Saturday, the 30th of March, 2013, so did you... :)

Holy Week part 5

Friday, March 29th
– Good Friday 

Jesus’ Death

Read John 18:1-19:37
Some parts that stuck out to me:

7 The Jews replied, “We have a law. That law says he must die. He claimed to be the Son of God.”

⁸ When Pilate heard that, he was even more afraid. ⁹ He went back inside the palace. “Where do you come from?” he asked Jesus.

But Jesus did not answer him.

¹⁰ “Do you refuse to speak to me?” Pilate said. “Don’t you understand? I have the power to set you free or to nail you to a cross.”

¹¹ Jesus answered, “You were given power from heaven. If you weren’t, you would have no power over me. So the one who handed me over to you is guilty of a greater sin.”

Pilate is scared.  This man has claimed to be the son of God.  The minute he hears that claim, he goes back to Jesus and demands to know where he comes from.  He saw something in Jesus.  He caught a glimpse of the divine  and he didn't know what to do about it.  I pray that when I catch such a glimpse, I also receive the wisdom to know what to do about it...

19 Pilate had a notice prepared. It was fastened to the cross. It read, jesus of nazareth, the king of the jews. ²⁰ Many of the Jews read the sign. The place where Jesus was crucified was near the city. The sign was written in the Aramaic, Latin and Greek languages.

²¹ The chief priests of the Jews argued with Pilate. They said, “Do not write ‘The King of the Jews.’ Write that this man claimed to be king of the Jews.”

²² Pilate answered, “I have written what I have written.”

Why?  Why did he have it written?  Why did he not change it?  Why did he have it written in three different languages?  In the other books (Matthew-Luke) I somehow assumed it was written as a mockery, like the crown of thorns and the purple robe that they taunted him with.  But this is different.  This was ordered by Pilate, the man who was scared, the man who caught a glimpse of the divine.  He refused to change it.  The sign was supposed to be what he was guilty of.  It should have said "blasphemy"  or "false prophet" or any number of other things... but it didn't.  Maybe it was his last attempt to say something about the Truth he saw... Pilate wasn't quite sure what to do with this man, but maybe, just maybe, he believed Jesus was who he said he was, and just didn't have the guts to do anything about it.  



Have someone read the story slowly out loud, while everyone else listens with paper and markers or pencils. Draw the story as you listen, or write down words or phrases that stand out to you. Afterwards, talk about them together.

OOOh, I kinda did that already, just by myself.

Queries:
What feelings arise in you as you listen to this story?
I think this story really humanizes Pilate.  I don't think he is necessarily a great guy, or is misunderstood or anything, but he seems more human.  He was a leader, but with any leader, you can only lead if people are willing to follow.  If all the students in my classroom just decided they didn't want to do anything, there is nothing I could do to force them to learn.  Pilate was facing a crazy mob about to riot.  He did what he had to do in order to keep the peace... in order to stay in charge.  I can see God knowing that about him.  I can see God knowing that Pilate would believe.  If there was no mob, if it was only the religious leaders and they had no backing from the people, I think Pilate would probably have let Jesus go, but that wasn't the way the story was supposed to end.  God used his knowledge of Pilate to direct the story.  Wow, it occurs to me that this is how stories are written.  You develop characters, and quite often the characters drive the story.  God knows the characters of this story intimately.  He KNOWS them, and so knows what to do to make the story play out the way it needs to.

I don't know about you, but this give me such HOPE.  God knows the characters in MY/YOUR/OUR story so intimately, that he knows just what to do to make our stories play out the way he wants them to.  He has a perfect plan for our lives, and knows just how to make that plan a reality.

Can you imagine yourself as a participant in this story? Which character(s) do 
you identify with the most?

I probably identify with Peter the most.  I believe, and I trust, but sometimes my fear is so close, I can't see the big God behind it.

me fear GOD

Holy Week Part 4

Thursday, March 28th
– Last Supper 

Jesus eats with his disciples 
Ok, this one seems difficult to do with my many readers, because, 1) I don't have many readers and 2) We will have to wash each other's feet virtually... which means--we can't really... but we could imagine!

Read John 13:1-17 & Mark 14:12-26

Jesus eats with the disciples one last time before his death. He takes the time 
to wash their feet, and offer them the cup and bread.

Try washing each other’s feet. What does it feel like to wash someone’s feet? 
I am probably totally sacrilegious here, but I think it would be totally weird.  Let me try to explain some.  Weird is such an un-specific word.  Have you ever laid on the floor on your back while someone stood over you looking down on you?  You are in a very vulnerable place.  You are ON THE FLOOR, and their feet are RIGHT THERE, ready to squish you perhaps...You are placing yourself in a place of subservience to the other person.  You are, in effect, placing them above you.  And then, even beyond that, you are then WASHING THEIR DIRTY STINKING FEET!  I am reminded of a line from The Beautician and the Beast here: "I've given pedicures to women who wore plastic shoes in summer... what could be a tougher gig than that?"

Don't get me wrong, I am not one of those people who think that feet are inherently gross, but I do believe they could be (STINKY!) and I do think that when you add the "being on the floor with someone over you" piece with the "washing stinking feet"  bit, I think you get more than just two.  When you add together "elevating OTHER more than Self" and "serve others even when it is stinky" I think it becomes more than just weird.  It might just become divine. 
To have yours washed?
For some the first part may be the hardest, and for others, it would be this part.  I have no doubt that Peter would have washed Jesus' feet in a heartbeat, but to have his washed, by Jesus, was just a little too far out of his comfort zone.  Why?  Pride quite often makes us MORE than willing to have this done.  Pride quite often brings us to the place where we feel we DESERVE it.  Yes, you should wash my feet.  I wonder if people who feel uncomfortable being the washee, and the people who feel uncomfortable being the washer, might have more in common than they think.

Having your feet washed...having someone kneel in front of you, hold your dirty stinking feet in their hand, and wash away the dirt, the sweat, the stink...it puts us in a vulnerable place.  It means we are allowing that we don't have all the answers, and that maybe, just maybe, they might be able to wash a little of the grime away.  It gives the other power over our grossness, our stink.  And although it doesn't feel that way to the washer, it really does to the washee.

This act of foot washing is amazing!  It places both participants in a similar state of understanding.  We understand that although I think I could do this alone, life is so much more full, when we allow OTHERS in, to help us clear out the gunk, and to help clear out their gunk.  Our lives were meant to be lived in service to one another, and it is in this action, that Christ encouraged us to do, that helps make this truth evident.

Just some of my thoughts....
any others?

Prepare a simple meal of bread and juice. Try reading the story while you eat, 
and offering a few moments of silent remembrance.

Queries:
Why did Jesus wash the disciples feet?

Why is the last supper so special?